Most people base their beliefs about how women are assumed to enjoy sexual pleasure (usually equated with orgasm) on what they see in pornography or read in erotic literature without accounting for the fact that these are fictional sources intended to cause arousal. Even sex educators promote sex as if it is always easily pleasurable for women. Yet men and women continue to ask about how a woman can orgasm with a lover.
Orgasm advice today revolves around making either the woman or the man feel sexually inadequate. It is implied that men do not know how to stimulate a woman correctly. Surely a woman could stimulate herself with a lover or show him how to do it? Why is it the man’s responsibility? It’s as if women are simply puppets and men pull the strings. Lovemaking is based foremost on intercourse, which is a mating act. It is ridiculous to suggest that a man cannot mate correctly. As long as he can ejaculate into a vagina he has succeeded. Telling a man that he is also supposed to thereby cause a woman to orgasm makes him feel inadequate when it doesn’t happen. This is why women fake. Women have much less sexual ego, faking is easy and keeps men’s ego intact. The idea that women (but not men) need a lover with specialised skills to ‘make them orgasm’ is a fallacy. We make ourselves orgasm. It is what happens in our minds that causes us to orgasm. Physical stimulation (regardless of who provides it) is a secondary issue that becomes apparent once a person is aroused.
Girls are advised to be daring and self-confident. This sends contradictory messages to girls. Are they supposed to be sexually willing or should they hope for a relationship? Some girls feel pressured by the implication that they are supposed to enjoy sexual activity. They are bullied into providing fellatio and engaging in anal sex, for example. Society sends out positive messages for girls to be wives and mothers compared with the negative connotations of being mistresses and prostitutes. Women are not rewarded for being ‘sexual’. Some experts suggest that a woman who acknowledges a lack of orgasm with a lover, should find another man. It’s as if we are saying to girls that they should approach life as an endless quest for a man who can ‘make them orgasm’. Does no one care about the risks of pregnancy, sexual disease and emotional upset that go with promiscuity?
Men have extra-marital affairs, maintain a mistress or visit prostitutes. So women who are wives and mothers, are in direct competition with these ‘sexual’ women who divert their men’s earnings away from the family. So when it is suggested that young women should be encouraged to enjoy sexual pleasure, the idea is strongly opposed by many mothers, even with reliable contraception. More importantly, experience means that mothers know that women do not obtain the same pleasure from sex that men do. They object to their daughters being led into the socially tainted world of ‘sexual pleasure’ that involves women being paid to pleasure men.
Women, who are advising others, know that sexual pleasure is not spontaneous. Otherwise they would not be advising younger women to enjoy it. Young women are told that they should be less intent on pleasing men. Just exactly what does everyone think women have been doing since the dawn of time? If sexual pleasure was automatic for women it would happen. No one tells boys to enjoy sex. Some women eulogise about the clitoris but they are never explicit. If girls were aroused, as easily as boys are, they would know how to stimulate their clitoris to achieve orgasm.
Many women, of any generation, have a low expectation for their sex life. They assume that the sensations of intercourse must equate to orgasm. They feel justified in lecturing other women on how orgasm should be easy for them. There is little acknowledgement that women experience sex differently to men. Women’s sexual ego is all about claiming to orgasm or to enjoy sexual pleasure. The truth is that it is all bravado and intimidation. Given orgasm obviously doesn’t occur naturally, they are not forthcoming with explicit details. Nor can they explain why one woman can apparently experience what others cannot. There is no ‘should’ about sexual pleasure.
Even when it comes to women’s own experiences, we continue to accept that men know better than women. Such is the nature of heterosexual society. By siding with the male view, so-called feminists are themselves just trying to keep men happy as much as any other woman. There is clearly a difference in the responsiveness of the sexes. No one ever asks about male orgasm. Telling women that they should be able to do something that they are clearly incapable of (and many women know that they are incapable of) does nothing to improve women’s self-confidence. Confidence comes from having knowledge of the facts; not from putting on a show of false bravado. We can each, regardless of personality, gender or orientation, make our own conscious decisions about how we want to behave in any situation. But our responsiveness is determined by our sex. Female orgasm is a woman’s private pleasure.
And yet, too many folks choke on the fact of innate gender differences in libido. Feminists equate a lower sex drive with inferiority. Feminism equates a vigorous libido with a healthy, even dominant ego. (Joan Sewell 2010)