Kinsey found that only 50% of the men in his sample were exclusively heterosexual. Many men (46%) were attracted towards other men even if only as a one-off experience. Around 10% of men at some time in their lives have predominantly homosexual relationships for a period of a few years. Many heterosexual men feel no animosity towards gay men. Kinsey noted that the men who were most bitterly opposed to gays often belonged to the social class with the highest occurrence of homosexual behaviour. A man who is bisexual has a choice. He can suppress his homosexual urges (no doubt believing such feelings are shameful) because he is also aroused by women. He may conclude that every man should be able to do the same. But around 4% of men are exclusively gay. They are only aroused by men.
Some people insist that people choose to be gay as a kind of lifestyle choice. It’s understandable that women might think this way because they do not have a sex drive as men have. But men fully understand the strength of male sex drive that cannot be repressed by any punishment. It is ridiculous to suggest that men have made themselves victims of bigotry and persecution throughout history merely on a whim. This is one of the greatest crimes against humanity that has been perpetrated in the name of religious beliefs about the sanctity of vaginal intercourse. Women may use their family goals to justify sex but men’s sexual needs have little to do with creating a new life.
Sexual pleasure is based on a man’s own physical gratification rather than the emotional rewards women enjoy by pleasing a lover. Young men, both gay and straight, are inclined to focus on penetration and ejaculation as the goal of an encounter. They approach sex with an ego that means the sexual attributes of a sexual partner are a trophy to be boasted of. They are easily flattered that someone agrees to have sex with them. A man’s desperation to find a partner may lead him to accept sexual activity of any description.
Young men (regardless of orientation) have disadvantages when it comes to being a good lover. They cannot maintain an erection for long enough to enjoy more than a few minutes of giving and receiving pleasure. They ejaculate quickly due to youth and inexperience. Experience helps with lead-ins and reduces the awkwardness of being with a new lover. Experience helps us relax and generate a comfortable atmosphere for enjoying sexual pleasure. It teaches how we can suggest sexual activity and vary the pace. It teaches us what we enjoy ourselves and also what a lover may enjoy.
Young men look for quantity over quality of interaction. They measure their relationships in terms of a lover’s sexual attributes and see no value in knowing them as a person. Many men (regardless of orientation) start out by choosing a partner on the basis of sexual chemistry. Having sex with someone tells you little about the person. If a man stops allowing lust to cloud his judgement, he may make different sexual decisions. It’s a good idea to get to know someone before getting involved sexually.
Good sex involves finding a partner who you can experiment with, explore and discover what you like. Taking time to choose a partner who is a good match (of personality, values and interests) and investing in that relationship, can make male homosexual experiences much more rewarding. Good sex is ultimately a matter of intimacy and pleasure. The quality of sex can be vastly improved by having sex with someone who is a decent and likeable person. Loving, passionate sex can be much more fulfilling than a one-night stand with a guy who may be very enthusiastic but who is no good at it.
Even if gay men theoretically agree to open relationships, they are notoriously jealous. Open relationships smack of a selfish desire to notch up lovers and have a fallback. If a guy is unwilling to commit, let that be a deal breaker. This doesn’t necessarily mean being a couple for life but just building a relationship of substance that lasts for years rather than months.
Casual sex, even with protection, is always a risk. Being the penetrator may seem straightforward but we are not talking here about jamming a rod into a hole. A penetrator needs to use some sensitivity and respond to feedback. Verbal communication is often necessary. The person being penetrated can cooperate and give feedback to accommodate the penetrator’s thrusting action and make it more erotic and sexually rewarding. This co-operation verges on consent and represents the line between pain and pleasure.
A gay man must always protect himself, including using condoms and lubrication. Many of the tissues involved in penetrative gay sex are sensitive and easy to tear. If something does not feel good, it should not be done. Sex is about pleasure, both given and received. If something hurts, then stop. There are many ways to give and receive sexual pleasure. No one should ever feel pressured to engage in penetrative sex especially if both lovers do not want it. Sex between men need not always include penetration.
Gay men are often promiscuous. Research indicates that a high proportion of gay men have sex with many different men and 22 per cent have had more than ten partners. This contrasts with only 29 per cent of lesbian women who have sex with more than two partners and only 4 per cent who have had more than ten partners. Lesbians are rarely promiscuous.
Many of the (homosexual) males had been highly promiscuous, sometimes finding scores or hundreds of sexual partners. (Kinsey 1953)