The vast majority of heterosexual activity is based on intercourse that ends with male ejaculation. There are two distinct roles in penetrative sex: the penetrator is a man who penetrates (with an erect penis). Then there’s the person being penetrated (the receiver). The receiver can be either male or female. Homosexual men engage in anal intercourse. Penetrative sex relies on the sex drive of the penetrator and the amenability of the receiver.
In other species of animals, mating only occurs when the female is ‘on heat’ (in oestrus) because this is when she can be impregnated. Cows mount other cows. The cows that are mounted are in estrus. The ones that do the mounting are not in estrus. Estrus causes females to be more docile and more amenable to being mounted. Women do not have oestrus. Their willingness to offer intercourse is a conscious behaviour. Specifically, women’s amenability to intercourse has nothing to do with responsiveness.
A woman’s willingness to offer sexual pleasuring depends on:
- Her personality and the extent of her personal generosity;
- The quality of the wider relationship or other rewards that she obtains from the relationship; and
- Her level of sexual knowledge such as learning about the techniques prostitutes use in erotic fiction.
Anyone who offers penetrative sex to a lover is not aiming for their own orgasm. They are offering that opportunity to a lover. The receiver enjoys giving pleasure, of being the object of a lover’s sex drive and the sensations of being penetrated (even though such sensations do not lead to orgasm).
The receiver of intercourse does not orgasm from the stimulation involved in penetration (of the vagina or the anus) by itself. The penis or clitoris of the receiver must always be stimulated for them to orgasm. If the penetrator uses a dildo, then the penetrator doesn’t orgasm either. Orgasm always involves a highly specific massaging of the sex organ together with a tensing of the pelvic muscles to thrust forward. Female arousal involves tumescence of the clitoral organ, which has nothing to do with intercourse.
Anyone who has an orifice (anus/vagina) can engage in penetrative sex as a receiver (of an erect penis). An orifice is always available by definition. Its availability has nothing to do with a person’s state of arousal. The vagina can typically be penetrated quite easily by an erect penis even if a woman is unwilling. The same is not true for a man as the penetrator. It is much more difficult (in practical terms it is impossible) to force a man into having intercourse against his will or when he is not erect. The male can dominate the female but it is rarely even possible the other way around.
A woman can never experience intercourse as a man experiences it. Women have neither the pleasure of penetrating nor of ejaculating. The experience of being penetrated and receiving a man’s ejaculate does not equate to the male experience of penetrative sex. A man has a prostate gland that may cause orgasm when stimulated through anal intercourse. So even being a receiver of anal sex is not identical for men and women.
A woman is not only indifferent to but also revolted by the idea of physical intimacy with someone she is not attracted to. Even kissing is unpleasant if a woman feels no emotional connection. A woman is not aroused with a lover so her sexual amenability depends on emotional factors.
Men ensure that they get the stimulation and turn-ons (by stimulating a lover’s anatomy) that they need for their sexual release. This is one reason why women are less enthusiastic about casual sex than men are. Women behave passively in sexual situations and have much less control than men have. Some men have highly unusual or deviant sexual behaviours. A few men are violent towards women and cause them physical harm.
Women carry weapons in case they are attacked. Sexual assault is common and even men can be propositioned by gay men. But a man can usually hope to fight off an attack if necessary. Only a man could believe that women orgasm from sexual activity they try to avoid at all costs. Rape and harassment are common because women reject men’s sexual advances.
If you are a man whose partner is less interested in sex than you, start paying attention to your friendship. Many women are wired this way—they can’t get turned on unless they feel close to you. (Michele Weiner-Davis 2010)