A man is cautious in the beginning because he recognises that a woman is reticent. Romance is associated with the period of time before a couple marries. During this period each person is still investing in the other. But then over time and with the security of marriage, they may take each other for granted. Men become self-absorbed in their own importance both socially and sexually. They disrespect women and then wonder why women don’t want to have sex with them.
Women think of sex most typically in romantic scenarios and in terms of a man’s sexual passion. But not in the explicit genital terms that men do. Women don’t appreciate what a man is thinking in order to be aroused. Women are only aware of what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a man’s sex drive. A man’s desire is communicated in his obvious sense of purpose and in the firmness of his kiss and his touch on her body. His desire to possess her and penetrate her is evident.
Especially at the beginning of a sexual relationship, a woman can take a pleasure in her man’s erection and the fact that he wants intercourse with her. She can enjoy giving him pleasure and engaging in loving and affectionate foreplay. Intercourse itself is an opportunity for kissing and caressing. She may be motivated to engage on explicit genital stimulation.
A woman feels ‘sexy’ when she knows that she is attractive to men. When a man admires her she feels more amenable to sex because it feels more appropriate. Marriage and motherhood do not cause women to feel sexy because the romantic drivers are missing. A woman feels exhausted, unappreciated and unattractive.
A woman doesn’t need sex as a man does. So if she doesn’t want a family and she doesn’t want money, many women choose to live alone rather than take on the overhead of keeping a man happy. Men’s interest in every minute detail of sexual activity can be nauseating. When sex becomes expected or mundane, resentment and boredom can set in.
Some women enhance their own (and a lover’s) apparent sexual prowess by faking orgasm to meet expectations from pornography. Other men complain that their partners make no effort to make sex exciting for them. They never articulate why a woman should do this. The expectation comes from pornography and male fantasies.
A man expects a woman to appreciate lovemaking. The male role in intercourse is self-evidently key. A woman doesn’t need to do much during sex. Women just have to lie there. But this is only true in the beginning of a sexual relationship. Over time men come to expect a woman to provide him with turn-ons including an apparent response to intercourse.
Yet men do not provide any of these (or other) turn-ons for women. They do not dress in a certain way nor do they behave in an enticing manner. Men stimulate women because it assists with their own arousal. They also enjoy sex chat, again because it causes them to become aroused. Sex is a selfish enjoyment for men. But they do not provide women with turn-ons because it is not evident what those turn-ons would be. Women do not respond to the same arousal mechanisms that arouse men. That if very evident from the disgust or indifference that women express over male turn-ons.
Most women realise that men appreciate them presenting themselves in a ‘sexy’ manner. Men have more difficulty understanding that women want them to behave in a certain way to satisfy their needs. Men’s needs are more obvious but also men are more focused on getting what they want. Men lack women’s ability to empathise and also women’s willingness to cooperate with a partner. Men say they want to please a lover but it is clear that they mean through sex. It doesn’t seem to strike them as a strange coincidence that sex is exactly what they themselves are looking for.
Male lovemaking needs to involve making a woman feel appreciated. A man needs to show his gratitude for her contribution even if it’s only being willing to allow him to penetrate her body and thrust until he ejaculates.
Men need to make themselves more socially amenable and to take a share of the investment in a couple’s sex life if they are to interest a woman in having sex with them. Considering their interest, men don’t make much effort to bring variety to sex. Their sexual needs are very basic.
Women want to be able to admire and respect a man. He needs to be assertive but not arrogant, well-presented but not vain, charming but not obsequious. He needs to demonstrate a personal interest in a woman and actively engage on her concerns and interests. He needs to enjoy her company and spending time with her on non-sexual activities.
What women want in a sexual relationship: (1) More spontaneity: all too often the sexual pattern is routine, preordained, expected. (2) More passion – and less urgency to have intercourse quickly. (3) Their man to have less preoccupation with his own penis. (Derek Llewellyn-Jones 1980)