It’s not uncommon for a man to have a problem with erections from time to time. But erectile dysfunction (ED) that happens routinely is not normal and should be treated. ED is defined as difficulty getting or keeping an erection that’s firm enough for intercourse. ED is the most common sexual problem that men report to a doctor. Only a quarter of men are impotent by the age of 70. A man still wants to engage in intercourse even when he is impotent.
Here are some ideas to think about:
- Is your lover open-minded? Do you discuss new approaches to sexual pleasuring? Try a change of venue or different positions.
- Try asking your partner what she would like. How much time do you invest in pleasuring her before having intercourse?
- Have you talked about bringing some variety to your sex life? Sex toys, porn movies etc. all help.
- What do you do to show that you appreciate your partner? Do you spend companionable time with your partner?
ED can happen when testosterone levels fall, blood flow to the penis is limited or nerves are harmed. It can also be an early warning of a more serious illness like hardening or blocked arteries, heart disease, high blood pressure or diabetes. Men should avoid being overweight and aim for low cholesterol and low blood pressure. They should also do regular exercise, avoid excessive stress, alcohol and smoking. Anything a man can do to ease tension and feel emotionally stable is likely to help his sexual performance.
Erectile dysfunction becomes more common as men age. But it is not necessarily a normal part of aging. There are treatments, which include consulting a specialist who uses a vacuum pump or obtaining one of your own. The pump creates an artificial erection by causing blood to flow into the corpora cavernosa within the shaft of the penis. Another approach is to ask a lover to provide erotic turn-ons to assist with male arousal. By massaging, kissing and fingering his partner, a man may increase his own arousal. A sensual whole body focus also makes his lover feel appreciated.
Premature ejaculation is the most common sexual problem for men. The objective of a mating act is for the male to deposit his semen in the female’s vagina. From a reproductive perspective, the quicker the better.
Men are often aroused throughout the day. When they have an opportunity for sex with a partner their challenge is to slow down so that they don’t ejaculate spontaneously. Some men ejaculate before any foreplay. Others lose control when inserting their penis, while some ejaculate immediately after penetration. Occasionally losing control of ejaculation is normal. Premature ejaculation is only a problem if it happens frequently. Most men sometimes reach orgasm sooner than they’d like. It is common for a man to ejaculate quickly the first time he has sex or if he hasn’t ejaculated for a long time. The occasional loss of control doesn’t mean that the man has a sexual problem.
Premature ejaculation can be an issue for a number of reasons. Firstly, men want to enjoy the pleasurable sensations of thrusting for as long as possible. Secondly, a woman may want lovemaking (where a man provides sensual stimulation, upper body kissing and caressing) to continue for longer. But men only engage in upper body lovemaking for as long as they have an erection. Some women mistakenly assume that they might have an orgasm if intercourse continued for longer. Any sense of inadequacy would be easily be overcome if a man was prepared to stimulate a woman orally or manually.
The belief, that intercourse can cause female orgasm, is false and puts the responsibility for female orgasm onto men. Men are not responsible for providing the correct stimulation. Women are quite capable of providing their own stimulation. A woman isn’t aroused in the way that a man is. She has no sense of frustration if nothing happens. The pressure comes from a man wanting to enjoy his own performance and enjoy emotional acceptance.
Men’s insecurities are that intercourse is a simple act but they’re not sure what is expected of them. Surely all they have to do is what comes naturally? All the discussion about female orgasm seems to imply that this is not good enough. So what else do they need to do to keep women happy in bed? It’s implied that men need to learn special thrusting techniques to help a woman achieve orgasm. A man is also under pressure to delay his ejaculation forever, which is impossible. Men are responsive. Women are not. Women can engage in all forms of sexual activity with a lover almost indefinitely.
If men just wanted sex then they could pay a prostitute. It would be much cheaper. Men seek out relationships with women to feel loved and appreciated. Prostitutes and one-night stands do not provide this emotional reward. Neither can a woman be forced to provide it. It arises naturally. Of course men think it should arise by them providing amazing sex. But if a man is constantly hassling his partner for sex, then clearly a woman does not want sex in the way men do. A man has to provide some of the things that a woman wants. He has to behave in a way that makes her want to please him. Men seem to struggle with the fact that women feel loved (not through sex but) when a man is a charming companion and interested in their concerns. By obsessing about providing a lover with imagined sexual pleasure (that is not sought by women), men effectively ignore women’s emotional needs.
Premature ejaculation is the great male fear. The trouble is that coming too soon is a fact of life. (Antony Mason)
Excerpt from Learn About Sexuality (ISBN 978-0956-894748)