Women feel guilty because they think it’s their fault that they cannot orgasm with a lover. They don’t realise that every woman is the same. It’s only men who think that women should orgasm when men do.
No one can seriously believe that painful intercourse is orgasmic. Yet it is implied that vaginismus is a dysfunction because a woman cannot ‘enjoy’ intercourse. Vaginismus is a reproductive issue because intercourse leads to pregnancy.
The sexual issue arises because of a man’s desire for penetrative sex. Because of their emotional need for sex, a man feels rejected when a woman cannot provide intercourse even if she has good reason.
A woman’s dilemma is her instinct to care about her partner. Women accept painful sex because it is implicit that it is unfair to deprive a male lover of his sexual outlet. A woman also assumes that it is her personal failing that she does not naturally enjoy sex as a man does. Even during pregnancy or after childbirth it is difficult to persuade a lover than penetrative sex is not always comfortable.
A man’s sex drive is an emotional drive that relies on obtaining a lover’s consent to be penetrated. If a woman says she doesn’t want sex all a man hears is that she doesn’t love him. In this sense, a man equates sex with love. So consent within a loving relationship has little meaning to men. A man assumes that if a woman loves him that she will always be amenable to sex. Yet ironically men cannot be persuaded to engage in sex unless they are aroused and have an erection.
The vast majority of female sexual dysfunctions are defined according to this male point of view. In men’s eyes, a woman’s sexual role is to provide intercourse for a man. If she cannot or will not do this then (unless she is a lesbian) there must self-evidently something wrong with her.
The idea that a heterosexual couple engages in any sexual activity that does not culminate in intercourse is unthinkable for most people. Women are not generally motivated to offer sexual pleasuring for a man. But if they do then inevitably a man becomes increasingly focused on wanting intercourse. This is not his fault. It is simply Nature that ensures that men want intercourse above (or in addition to) all other activity.
Men are not motivated to offer pleasuring that does not involve penetrative sex. They may be satisfied with being masturbated by a lover or receiving oral sex (fellatio). Women however are not typically motivated to offer these more explicit forms of genital stimulation. Intercourse is a much easier activity for women because they do not need to make much effort.
If intercourse is uncomfortable there are other options. Oral sex or mutual masturbation are both possibilities. Otherwise a woman can offer her partner non-penetrative (outercourse) sex depending on what arouses him.
A man can masturbate himself (depending on a woman’s generosity, she could offer to suck him off or masturbate him) while she displays herself provocatively or allowing him to masturbate by riding between her breasts (if large enough!) or her buttocks.
Kinsey found that 10% of his sample of women were ‘anorgasmic’: they had never experienced orgasm. He also concluded that 30% of his sample of women were essentially unresponsive: they hardly ever had an orgasm.
Women who masturbate to orgasm are called ‘pre-orgasmic’ as a way of describing the problem that they do not orgasm through intercourse. It is assumed that other women orgasm through intercourse but this is only due to their ignorance of what an orgasm is. No woman can orgasm easily with a lover and certainly not through intercourse.
The suggestion is that women orgasm with a lover because they are sexually uninhibited. But women who masturbate to orgasm clearly enjoy eroticism because they use fantasies. No one who indulges in fantasies can be ‘inhibited’. What is not appreciated is that women who orgasm with a lover cannot account for their arousal. They assume that they are aroused by the same stimuli that arouse men but this is clearly not the case.
Most women assume that they orgasm with a lover because they are told that they are supposed to. They equate the emotional and sensual aspects of intercourse with what others call orgasm. This is why women are so uncertain about orgasm with a lover and why very few women will ever comment on sex and orgasm.
One of the diagnostic criteria for FSD (female sexual dysfunction) is feeling distressed. But what causes the distress? Is it the condition itself, or is it what you think is expected of you and in turn, what you start expecting of yourself? (Andrea Burri 2011)