The idea that a heterosexual couple engages in any sexual activity that does not culminate in intercourse is unthinkable for most people. Men focus on intercourse because of their sex drive. Nature that ensures that most men want intercourse above all other activity because it leads to reproduction.
The vast majority of female sexual dysfunctions are defined according to this male point of view. In men’s eyes, a woman’s sexual role is to provide intercourse for a man. If she cannot or will not do this then men assume that there is self-evidently something wrong with her or she is a lesbian.
Men assume that it is women’s function to be penetrated by a man. Men are made to penetrate. Women are made to be penetrated. If a man enjoys being the penetrator then a woman should enjoy being penetrated just as much. Unfortunately, these conclusions do not follow. The carnivore preys on the herbivore because otherwise it will die of hunger. Even if it is the herbivore’s lot in life to be eaten by the carnivore, the victim does not actively seek out the situation. Women may want a family but they do not want to oblige men with intercourse nearly as often as men would like.
Male sex drive naturally causes men to focus on the female anatomy involved in intercourse. In the most basic terms, a man views a woman as an orifice to be penetrated and a place to deposit semen. So, to a man, it makes no sense for a woman to orgasm at any other time. What would be the point (from a man’s perspective)? The point is that female orgasm is for a woman’s pleasure. A woman can orgasm alone when she can focus on her own arousal rather than assisting with a man’s need for his release.
Vaginismus is a reproductive issue because intercourse leads to pregnancy. The sexual issue arises because of a man’s sex drive. This male need means a man feels rejected when a woman cannot provide him an opportunity for intercourse even if she has good reason. A man assumes that if a woman loves him that she will always be amenable to sex. So consent within a loving relationship has little meaning to men. Yet ironically men cannot be persuaded to engage in sex unless they are aroused and have an erection.
Women accept intercourse because it involves little female engagement. Men may be satisfied with being masturbated by a lover or receiving oral sex (fellatio). Women however are not typically motivated to offer these more explicit forms of genital stimulation. Ultimately though men are looking for sexual release through intercourse. This is the biological drive.
Women accept painful sex because it is often implied that a woman is being selfish if she deprives a male lover of his sexual outlet. A woman assumes that it is her personal failing that she does not enjoy sex as a man does. Even during pregnancy or after childbirth it is difficult to persuade a lover than penetrative sex may be uncomfortable or even painful for a woman.
Sex experts advise young women to masturbate, so they know that female masturbation is not a natural phenomenon (like male masturbation). But no one ever considers that perhaps this behaviour (of not masturbating) is normal for women. Noticeably advice is always given on the basis of theory rather than personal experience. They know that sexual pleasure is more obscure for women otherwise they would not need to give the advice. No one tells boys to enjoy sex. There is no ‘should’ about sexual pleasure.
Women feel guilty because they think it’s their fault that they cannot orgasm with a lover. They don’t realise that every woman is the same. No one can explain why one woman can apparently experience what others cannot. Women are simply told that orgasm is natural. This is rather like telling a blind man that he should be able to see. It doesn’t help him to be told what might be possible for other people. Fantasies about female orgasm intimidate women into silence by implying inadequacy.
Women who masturbate to orgasm are called ‘pre-orgasmic’. Rather than celebrate the fact that they experience orgasm, the implication is that they are inadequate because they should be able to orgasm through intercourse. Men’s sex drive makes intercourse an obligatory activity for heterosexuals.
Regardless of the research findings, men insist that women should orgasm from vaginal stimulation. Most women assume that they orgasm during intercourse. Women who claim to orgasm with a lover mistake sensual pleasures for orgasm because they have never had one.
One of the diagnostic criteria for FSD (female sexual dysfunction) is feeling distressed. But what causes the distress? Is it the condition itself, or is it what you think is expected of you and in turn, what you start expecting of yourself? (Andrea Burri 2011)