Because of the male experience, it is incorrectly assumed that women should orgasm more easily with a lover than when alone. Masturbation provides women with the opportunity to enjoy orgasm without exposing themselves to the life-threatening risks of pregnancy and childbirth.
The fact that women orgasm most easily by masturbating alone is counterintuitive because it is not the male experience. Men assume that orgasm with a lover should be much more rewarding than orgasm achieved alone because they are aroused by genitals and sexual activity. Women are not aroused by either.
Men may enjoy watching sexual activity (even stimulation of their own penis during masturbation) but women do not. A woman closes her eyes during masturbation to focus on fantasy and during sex she also prefers subdued lighting to blot out the everyday world so that she can fully absorb herself in enjoying her physical arousal.
Men’s sex drive to penetrate inherently involves another person. But women do not have this same hormonal drive that men have. So their arousal does not stem from another person. There is no reason why female orgasm should occur during sexual activity with a lover. The circumstances in which women achieve orgasm are much more restricted than they tend to be for a man.
The sociable nature of sexual activity with a lover impedes a woman generating her own arousal. This has nothing to do with inhibition, personal embarrassment or the desire to put a man’s needs first. A woman must be alone, in an environment devoid of distractions. Women’s use of fantasy is like meditation and a mental block-out is incompatible with lovemaking.
Intercourse in the context of a relationship is not erotic for a woman. There is no taboo, suspense or sexual tension. Women’s fantasies involve fictional men. As soon as a woman imagines a man she knows in real life, the realities of how she sees him as a social (rather than erotic) person take over.
Women’s minds and bodies are not as flexible as men’s are in the way that they respond to stimuli. Women only orgasm in specific circumstances. Female masturbation is a private and personal affair that relies solely on a woman’s own responsiveness (orgasmic ability). This is, in part, what makes female masturbation so taboo.
Women’s use of mental turn-ons does not involve visualising everyday opportunities for intercourse. A woman needs to use fantasy to be able to appreciate the eroticism of sex from a male perspective. Women’s erotic fantasies involve seeing sexual scenarios from the man’s point of view. This is why women cannot use their fantasies during sexual activity with a lover. There is no overlap between the two experiences. Sexual activity with a lover is purely social and emotional.
To achieve orgasm a woman needs to focus on eroticism and to stimulate her clitoris continuously until she reaches orgasm. She cannot do this with a lover because she needs more focus than a man needs. Women’s use of fantasy does not work with a lover, so they cannot orgasm with a lover regardless of who provides the stimulation. This is why a woman has no incentive to stimulate herself with a lover.
A woman cannot obtain the stimulation she needs for orgasm except by lying on her front and pushing down on her vulva, simultaneously clenching her buttocks. This is impossible to achieve while engaging in any form of sexual activity with a lover. If a man knows that a woman masturbates, he should respect her enjoyment of this solitary pleasure. Appreciating that she enjoys orgasm in this way is a way of compensating her for the many times during sex that the man is the only one having an orgasm.
Women get used to men dominating. They have more faith in a man’s conclusions than they do in a woman’s. Even if the subject is female orgasm. There is nothing to be gained by promoting the truth. The idea that a woman enjoys orgasm alone benefits no one. The idea that woman can ‘respond’ in a way that is highly attractive to men (and boosts women’s ego) has much more value.
This outlook is unlikely to change especially among the least educated levels of society. Most women are unresponsive so they have nothing to gain by supporting the case for the clitoris. Why should they support something they don’t experience? They might as well keep quiet or agree with men that the vagina is how women experience orgasm.
Sexual double standards that favour pleasuring men continue to prevail. But I also believe women often think they are having an orgasm when in fact they are not. (Nicole Prause 2014)