For men, penetrative sex is more rewarding than masturbation alone. So it’s difficult for men to accept that the female experience is the reverse. Men assume that the act of penetration is core to becoming sexually aroused. They fail to appreciate that intercourse is only arousing from the male perspective. Intercourse in the context of a relationship is not erotic for a woman. There is no taboo, suspense or sexual tension.
Men’s drive to penetrate inherently involves another person. But women do not have this hormonal drive that men have. So women have not evolved the ability to be aroused by a man’s body because their orgasm does not contribute to the reproductive process. There is no reason why female orgasm should occur during sexual activity with a lover. The circumstances in which women orgasm are much more limited than they are for men. But women are more self-sufficient than men because they do not need a lover.
A woman must be single to discover orgasm. While she is a virgin, a woman can imagine what she might enjoy with a lover. Once a woman has a relationship with a man, his need for intercourse dominates. This is how Nature intends it to be. Female orgasm is merely a private pleasure for a woman to enjoy alone. Sexual activity is intended to focus on male orgasm.
Because of the male experience, it is incorrectly assumed that women should orgasm more easily with a lover than when alone. Masturbation provides women with the opportunity to enjoy orgasm without exposing themselves to the life-threatening risks of pregnancy and childbirth.
Heterosexuals had never heard of the clitoris until it was publicised by Kinsey and Hite. But their work was rejected by society. Even today the clitoris is associated with lesbian lovemaking. We can conclude that clitoral stimulation does not cause female orgasm with a lover. Presumably women do not masturbate themselves either during sex or alone. Otherwise women would tell men how they achieve orgasm. Unless that is, we prefer to believe that women are too timid to discuss such things with a lover.
When a man reaches down between his legs, there’s something to grab onto. When a woman does the same there’s nothing. Well maybe a blip. That’s all she has to work with. It’s amazing that she manages anything.
A woman cannot obtain the stimulation she needs for orgasm except by lying on her front and pushing down on her vulva, simultaneously clenching her buttocks. This is impossible to achieve while engaging in any form of sexual activity with a lover. More importantly a woman is not aroused with a lover and is unable to use the fantasies she needs for orgasm.
A woman does not orgasm spontaneously. It is more about immersing herself in a fantasy that provides the arousal she needs for orgasm. The use of fantasy is vital in providing psychological arousal. Stimulation of the internal clitoral organ, although required, is almost secondary. If a woman cannot come up with a suitable fantasy that causes her to become aroused, she can stimulate her clitoris as much as she likes but nothing will happen.
The sociable nature of sexual activity with a lover impedes a woman generating her own arousal. A woman needs to be alone, in an environment devoid of distractions. Women’s use of fantasy is like meditation and a mental block-out is incompatible with lovemaking. Women’s use of fantasy does not work with a lover, so they cannot orgasm with a lover regardless of who provides the stimulation. This is why a woman has no incentive to stimulate herself with a lover. To achieve orgasm a woman needs to focus on eroticism but she needs more focus than a man needs because men are much more easily aroused.
A woman cannot stimulate herself to orgasm with a lover because of the impossibility of becoming aroused when someone else is present. This is how women’s sexual psychology works. Women’s fantasies involve fictional men. As soon as a woman imagines a man she knows, the realities of how she sees him as a social (rather than erotic) person take over. Women’s sexual psychology does not involve visualising everyday opportunities for intercourse. A woman’s erotic fantasies involve putting herself psychologically in the position of the male penetrator, which is incompatible with reality where she is a receiver of intercourse.
Another important reason why women fake their orgasm is the fear of upsetting their partner. Many men anxiously insist that the woman must have satisfaction. (Rachel Swift 1993)