Learn About Sexuality

Women fake orgasm to reassure men’s sexual ego

It is women who are judged to be frigid or dysfunctional because they do not respond to intercourse in the way that men do. The male responses of arousal and orgasm are critical to intercourse. Women’s are not. But women’s willingness to provide positive erotic or affectionate feedback is critical to men’s emotional happiness. So most women fake or say nothing.

Magazine articles often talk about women who fake orgasm. Men are offended by the idea of a woman’s deceit. There is an implication that she has not been brave enough to tell him what stimulation she needed for orgasm or that he has been insensitive. The percentages quoted (not from any reputable research) are incredibly high: from 50-80% of women. Just because a woman doesn’t fake, it doesn’t mean she has an orgasm. The 20-50% of women who don’t fake may well just decide not to bother with making all that noise.

Some women accept the fragility of the male ego. They realise that a man’s sexual performance is vital to his emotional well-being. If a woman wants to give her lover the satisfaction of apparently bringing her to orgasm through thrusting, then she is obliged to fake. The belief that all women orgasm puts pressure on women not to appear frigid.

When a woman says that sex does not excite her a man takes this as a personal rejection. Rather than feel any empathy with her situation, he is primarily focused on his sexual need. Instead of accepting that women experience sex differently to men, he assumes that it is his fault that his woman does not enjoy sex as he assumes she should.

Men appear to have an almost infantile need to believe in their fantasies about women. Heterosexual woman, who love men, haven’t got the heart to disillusion them. But even if they try to suggest that sex doesn’t provide women with the same pleasure, men just don’t get it. They can go their whole lives long and still believe (in spite of all the contrary evidence) that the women in their lives wanted sex just as much as they did (every time).

The fact that every animal in nature mates by the male mounting the female does not persuade him. The fact that women have to be paid to have sex does not persuade him. The fact that women want a relationship, probably a legal one, to offer sex over the longer term does not persuade him. He needs to believe that a woman wants sex as much as he does so that he can be reassured of an on-going and regular sexual outlet.

The end result is that men pass their feeling of inadequacy over to women. Rather than face their own fears they pass on the negative connotations of sexual inadequacy to women. So in addition to the natural disadvantages of sex that are attributed to women (abortion, prostitution and illegitimate children), women are also labelled ‘frigid’ if they do not fake orgasm.

Once more men escape any sexual responsibility and make women (who have abortions, who are prostitutes and who have a child from an illicit affair) pay for the social embarrassment. Men insist on their own self-enforced ignorance because they refuse to believe the evidence in front of their own eyes. Then they wonder why women are wary of sex.

A woman naturally thinks that a man should understand her situation. Why should he expect her to fake orgasm or show enthusiasm for sex when she doesn’t feel it? But such thinking is irrelevant. A man must feel that a woman wants sex with him otherwise it’s a turn-off for him. Women conclude that sex is not erotic at all. It’s merely crude and disgusting. They blame a partner for not making sex more romantic.

Women are most amenable to intercourse during the early romantic weeks of a passionate love affair. With a long-term lover, sex becomes routine and expected. A woman is typically indifferent to intercourse under these circumstances. Men think of sex in erotic terms so they are oblivious to women’s desire for romantic sex. Early in a relationship a man’s passion makes a woman feel adored. She doesn’t have to make any effort. The man drives all the action. A younger man’s ease of arousal and his satisfaction with short and immediate intercourse makes sex bearable for a woman.

Later on a man takes longer and may want to enjoy more explicit pleasuring. But a woman is unresponsive so having someone stimulate her private parts doesn’t feel sexy. She feels like a piece of meat and not necessarily attractive at all. A woman’s attitude towards sex depends on her feelings for the man. At times even the idea of sexual activity is repulsive to a woman.

Unfortunately, this is men’s biological programming just as much as women are programmed to want a family. We need to make the most of enjoying all aspects of our sexuality and just accept that men and women enjoy different aspects to different degrees. One goes with the other. Women only have families as long as men obtain what they need emotionally from the adult relationship.

She knows how personally you are going to take it when she can’t orgasm, and it makes her dread having sex because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings and then feel even more inadequate. (Sophie Martin 2013)

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