The issue of female orgasm with a lover is at the core of sexual politics. Men want to feel valued as lovers. Women want to keep men happy in bed so they get other things in exchange like love, support & companionship. But we cannot effectively protect young people, especially girls, when we cannot be honest about what they can expect from their sexual experiences.
Sex, like politics and religion, is hugely political. Discussions involve personal opinions rather than facts. These opinions are aimed at persuading other people to behave in certain ways. They try to manipulate and exploit. Women feel especially vulnerable because of the unrealistic beliefs about their sexuality. But even men tire eventually of the constant selling of sex.
Politics is about two sides wanting different things. Humans can be very devious about getting what they want. Some of this behaviour is conscious and some of it is instinctive. Our first instinct is our own survival. So we look after our own selfish interests first. Exceptions are a man’s drive to protect a mate and a woman’s drive to protect her children. The reproductive drive overrides our selfish survival instinct.
We teach children that they should aspire to be honest and morale. But the adult world is a jungle. Men and women both lie, swindle and cheat. But men kill, rob and rape much more commonly and violently than women ever do. This is why the prison population is largely male. Women are less openly aggressive but they’re not saints either.
However, we suggest that when it comes to sex, men and women never embellish, exaggerate or fabricate stories. Because what have they to gain? Sex is after all an objective, non-egotistical and non-emotional experience! We paint a rosy picture of relationships where men and women have the same social goals (family and companionship) and the same emotional needs (romantic love and erotic sex).
Sexual politics is created by men’s desire for intercourse. Men will not accept what women say about sex unless it accords with their own view. Specifically, they want to hear that a woman wants intercourse as much as they do. Men are not attracted to every woman. They are specifically attracted to women who are amenable to intercourse. Of course men are confident that their view of sex will prevail. Women are too timid and embarrassed even to offer their own view of sex. Men’s view of sex is so much more politically convincing. Men heavily promote their own view because it is vitally important to them.
Women are ashamed to admit that they engage in sex at all. Women feel embarrassed that they trade sex for the things that they want. But also what can possibly compete with the needs of reproduction, male sex drive and women’s desire to be attractive to men? Men feel ashamed of how men can use women’s bodies for sex. They look at women and imagine the things they think women are capable of (such as orgasm). What woman is going to be brave or stupid enough to say: “Sorry guys but you are delusional. Women are just not responsive in the way that they think they should be!”
There is tremendous defensiveness surrounding heterosexuals ever admitting what we gain from the other sex. Women’s financial dependence on men is taboo because of the custom of women trading sex for money. Men try to get as much sex out of women as they can without giving anything in return. Women try to get as much money out of men as they can without giving too much sex in return. Most men do not exploit women sexually but they don’t want to say anything to foul up their chances of having sex with the woman they love. Most women do not exploit men. But they don’t want to say anything for fear of offending the man they love. So we have silence.
Men are afraid that negative connotations will ‘put women off sex’. But if we never discuss the negatives then we are not presenting an honest picture of sex. Everything in life is a balance. There are winners and losers. The carnivore eats to live but its prey has to die. That is how Nature works. There is a sense of power that comes from killing. The same is true of sex. But the power is felt by the victor or the male in sex. A woman (as the receiver of intercourse) is the ‘victim’ (except in her fantasies).
We never admit that sex brings issues. There is no alternative view. Sex is not always wonderful for everyone every time. The mantra ‘every normal adult should enjoy sex’ inherently pressures women into saying that sex is just as wonderful for them as it is for men. The very existence of the ‘sex positive’ initiative, indicates that there are negative aspects to sex. What are these? Why do they arise? And what can be done to address them (rather than ignore them)? No one ever says anything because there’s too much to lose. And nothing to gain except truth, honesty and justice. But who care about those, right? We tell children they should, perhaps in the hope that human nature will one day miraculously change.
Thus, we have two problems: First, the male version of sex drive is what women are unjustly measured by. Second, women are trying too hard to please men who need more realistic expectations of women’s sexuality. (Joan Sewell 2010)