Men’s sex drive motivates them to obtain sexual release through intercourse. Women don’t have an erect sex organ that they can use to penetrate a partner. So we assume that women obtain their sexual release through being penetrated. A sex drive is always to penetrate. The motivation to penetrate comes from the mind of a man who has an erection.
Men think about sex much more frequently and explicitly than women do for hormonal reasons. There are many triggers for male arousal in the course of the day: from women in the street to advertising billboards for women’s underwear. Men are aroused by kissing and caressing a lover.
When women grow fat, ugly or old, some men are no longer attracted to their wives. Other men find that their wife’s lack of enthusiasm for sex becomes a turn-off. Other men are aroused (biologically) regardless of the attractiveness or enthusiasm of their partner. This response is undoubtedly linked to expectations. Any man who watches porn will have high expectations that cannot necessarily be met by reality without paying.
The idea that a man has an orgasm with his head full of non-sexual thoughts (such as his current work schedule or a recent sporting event) is unthinkable. Of course his mind is fully occupied by the sights, sounds and sensations of sexual activity with a lover. During masturbation his mind is focused on a fantasy or visual stimulus such as pornography. A man is motivated to masturbate because of the sexual thoughts he enjoys. Women are typically unaware that orgasm involves a mental focus on eroticism.
A man is aroused when he wants to engage in penetrative sex, which is when he has an erection. So men assume that if a woman is willing to engage in intercourse she must be equally aroused. Women don’t have erections. Having an orifice to offer a lover has nothing to do with arousal. Anyone can provide a mouth, a vagina (women only) or an anus for a male partner to penetrate. These orifices are not sex organs. No matter what kind of stimulation or for how long it is applied, the receiver will not orgasm.
A man gets an erection (or not) so male arousal is very evident. Women do not experience arousal (during masturbation alone) as a distinct state of excitement (as men do) that leads inevitably to orgasm. Female arousal is a mental state that directly precedes orgasm and so is of short duration. Women have to make conscious effort to become aroused by using fantasies that have nothing to do with their real-life sexual experiences.
As we know from the male experience, there is no point in trying to achieve orgasm with an unaroused sex organ. The stimulation that leads to orgasm involves massaging the blood flow (specifically the corpora cavernosa) within the tumescent sex organ. Tumescence is achieved when the brain focuses on some aspect of eroticism. Women can only achieve such a state when they concentrate intensely on a fantasy during masturbation alone.
Orgasm is a response of the nervous system, which means the brain controls it. The brain focuses on some aspect of explicit eroticism, which causes an increased blood flow in the sex organ (penis or clitoris). A man is easily aroused by many stimuli, especially with a lover. For a woman, the reverse is true. The reality of sexual activity actually works against her ability to enjoy eroticism. Women enjoy abstract concepts associated with penetrative sex rather than images of genitals and penetration. A woman needs to keep her eyes closed, even when alone, to be able to focus properly on the fantasy in her mind. With a lover, there is no chance of her obtaining the necessary focus. But also a male lover is unlikely to be willing to give her the time to achieve her orgasm before he wants to thrust to his own.
A man wants intercourse regardless of how a woman feels. So women look for information to help them understand how they could enjoy an act men insist on. This is not about a desire to enjoy sexual pleasure or a need to have an orgasm, this is about women’s role in providing male gratification.
It is not possible for two people to orgasm as the exact same moment. So we always orgasm alone. But men need to ideally ejaculate into a lover’s body so their orgasm is typically observed. Whereas a woman experiences orgasm when alone. So orgasm is a selfish pleasure we enjoy alone. But male orgasm is an experience a man expects his partner to enjoy sharing. A woman may be pleased that a man has been able to use her body to obtain his sexual release but she is not aroused by his ejaculation in the way that a male lover might be. Sexual phenomena are much more vital to men than they ever are to a woman. Women enjoy eroticism through a more subtle mechanism that involves focusing on concepts rather than physical reality.
Similar situations are recognized in anger, in fear, and in epilepsy – all of which are physiologically related to sexual response. (Alfred Kinsey 1953)