Learn About Sexuality

Only some men are motivated to offer foreplay

Alfred Kinsey was an empirical scientist. He liked facts and figures. He categorised people according to their educational level. Kinsey pointed out that sex manuals are often written by middle class educated people who don’t appreciate that their education affects their view of sexuality.

He found that more educated men tend to appreciate eroticism: visual or imagined representations of nudity or sexual activity. Less educated men apparently are much more inclined to insist on the real thing. They are not necessarily interested (or aroused by) messing about on the side. They want to get straight to intercourse and have done with it. The quicker the better.

Kinsey concluded that the effect was probably more about a person’s creative imagination. The more educated may have more imagination but not always. So there’s a degree of correlation. Instead of referring to educational level, we could talk of men with imagination or men with little imagination (the majority). More educated men like to begin their lovemaking with a little foreplay.

This was not originally intended to be for the benefit of the woman at all. Men enjoy groping and fondling women because it assists with their own arousal. The word ‘foreplay’ was given to this activity once the clitoris was discovered to have a role in female orgasm. The assumption became that women could be aroused by physical stimulation of the various body parts that men might be motivated explore.

The clitoris was simply added to the list of body parts but not many men got the message because of the obscurity of the clitoris and the lack of awareness of the clitoris among heterosexual women. Naturally no one wondered why women would not do this for themselves. If women were aroused they would be motivated to stimulate themselves. Foreplay does not assist with female arousal but it does bring some variety into sex, which gets very boring for women if it always focuses on intercourse.

It is natural that men initiate intercourse because a man must have an erection before intercourse is possible. Ejaculation returns a man to a state where he is effectively non-sexual. He is not interested in further sexual activity of any kind even if it focuses on his lover’s arousal. If a man cannot achieve an erection (older men and men with a low sex drive) he has little interest in sex. This is natural because men engage in sexual activity in order to enjoy their own arousal cycle. In this way men’s sexuality is selfish. They don’t feel ‘sexy’ unless they have an erection but, when they do, they are focused on their own arousal and sex drive.

This is also another way of explaining why women don’t have a sex drive. You can’t have a drive that you are not able to satisfy. An individual only evolves a drive because they can satisfy it without relying on the cooperation of another person. A woman may be able to force a man into intercourse if he is particularly feeble but a woman cannot rape a man. No matter how much a woman may want to engage in sexual activity, if a man is unwilling there is little she can do about it.

Penetration makes sex erotic and taboo. But intercourse is conceptually arousing from the point of view of the giver. Any mating act is a conquest. But it is a male conquest. The female is conquered. If a woman is always sexually willing, then there is no conquest. Men enjoy intercourse for the turn-on of penetration. This is the dilemma for women in finding sexual situations erotic. The eroticism is fundamentally from the perspective of the male. As a receiver it is difficult to appreciate why a man finds such mundane action (penis thrusting into a vagina) so fascinating.

Penetrative sex involves a penis penetrating another person (vagina or rectum) and thrusting until ejaculation. Only the giver (not the receiver) has an orgasm from intercourse. Sexual activity need not equate to intercourse but when it does then it needs to come with respect and consent.

The range of emotions a woman feels from intercourse therefore vary considerably more than for a man. Depending on the circumstances, intercourse can be described as ‘lovemaking’ or ‘rape’. The explanation for why intercourse can be so different for a woman, is that the nature of the act depends on the behaviour and attitude of the man. The penis is not damaged when a man penetrates. The erect penis is very solid and is not easily harmed by the orifices it is penetrating. But also the penetrator is in control of his own simulation. Even when the person receiving intercourse is aroused the soft tissues of the vagina or rectum may be damaged.

A significant biological disadvantage of intercourse for a woman, it the possibility of being impregnated. Her increased vulnerability and desire to protect a child mean that she wants to know that she will have a mate to help her raise the child. Having a mate involves sexual loyalty. A man will not be loyal unless a woman offers regular sex.

What men are socialized to do sexually to satisfy his partners – obviously — isn’t working for millions of women. To make matters worse, many men’s egos refuse to learn and be open to new ideas. (Trina Read 2014)

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