Learn About Sexuality

Intercourse & orgasm

My work makes clear HOW and WHEN women orgasm. In this You-tube video I provide 10 facts explaining why intercourse has nothing to do with female orgasm.

If any of us receive a sex education (which most of us do not), the explanations given rarely go further than the basic ‘facts of life’. We are told about intercourse and the mechanics of reproduction. If we are really lucky we are told about contraception and sexual disease. But who talks explicitly about orgasm? Most people blush or giggle nervously whenever sex or orgasm are mentioned. Sex is presented as a mutual pleasure. Orgasm is implicit. Of course men think orgasm is so obvious that no one needs to talk about explicit psychological and physical stimuli. It is simply assumed that women orgasm as a result of the same sexual scenarios as men do. But when you look at those sexual activities: masturbation, oral sex and intercourse, the stimulation involved for men is very similar. But each activity provides women with quite different stimulation.

The very first time I had sex I knew that something was up. I thought I knew what I could expect to happen. But I felt absolutely zip, zero, nothing. I almost couldn’t believe it. I had already been masturbating myself to orgasm for a year by that time. The two experiences had nothing in common. But over the following months and years, intercourse continued to be non-erotic. I felt like a prostitute acting out a mechanical part: just stimulating a man until he ejaculated. I concluded the whole thing was a hoax. I wasn’t the first woman to be disappointed by the reality of sex. But because of the society I lived in, the fabrication continued. The images and accounts of easily orgasmic women, which were so compelling. The sexual references made by egotistical adults in everyday life.

I continued to doubt the bravado but I didn’t have time to figure it all out. I wasn’t embarrassed in the sense that, if I was dysfunctional in some way, I wanted to understand what was wrong so that I could put it right. But I found the therapists I talked to extremely vague. They didn’t have any logical explanations. It was all non-specific waffle. So finally, when I did get time, I decided to ask women I knew about these orgasms they are supposed to have. Very few were willing to comment. But their idea of orgasm had nothing to do with enjoying eroticism or fantasy. They described their love for their partner. They talked of emotional feelings and lovemaking. They thought that orgasms ‘just happen’. But this is easy. Anyone can say they orgasm. Women never say how they achieve the arousal that leads to orgasm.

People ask me why I started writing about sexuality. Ever since I was a teenager I was curious about sex. I thought everyone was just as interested in understanding their sexuality. Obviously not! What really motivated me was the huge discrepancy between my experience and the way women’s sexuality was promoted in society. I couldn’t find any reference to women having the same experience that I had had. Except Shere Hite of course!

The political bias in the media portrayals and the official view of female sexuality was clear because the experiences that were promoted were those that were acceptable to men. I could understand men’s bias but I couldn’t understand why women were so shocked and embarrassed by any mention of sex. I asked women about masturbation. Most were embarrassed and disgusted by the idea. They were equally shocked (even confused) by the idea of fantasies. Women suggested that the social activity of lovemaking was far superior to the solitary activity of masturbating alone. I slowly realised that we were talking about completely different experiences.

I have been horrified by the inconsistencies in the orgasm advice provided to women today. One expert says one thing and another the opposite. Over time I have gradually assumed a position of authority on the subject because frankly I have never met anyone else who can talk about the topic in the explicit and objective way that I think is necessary. I am driven by a desire to correct the sexual ignorance that I have had to face, which has made finding answers much more embarrassing than it needed to be. It should be a basic right that everyone has access to unbiased sex information that attempts to explain sexuality in a logical way. Naturally anyone who wants to ignore such information is free to do so.

None of this would have been possible without the previous research work of Alfred Kinsey and Shere Hite. Their work is excluded from sex education today because so few people can relate to their findings. But nothing has replaced the wealth of statistics and conclusions from Kinsey’s work in particular. This is a loss that my work attempts to put right.

A young man once said that he was apprehensive about reading my book. He admitted that he didn’t want to have his fantasies dashed. Pornography acts as an emotional security blanket reassuring men that women are always amenable to intercourse so that their sexual outlet is practically guaranteed. But trying to brainwash women into believing that sex is good for them or that women can enjoy the same pleasure from sex that men do, does not lead to more sex for men. Kinsey proved this. He found that couples have intercourse with frequencies that vary according to the man’s sex drive. The woman has nothing to do with it. Women who think they orgasm with a lover are no more sexually willing than any other woman.

Women can use sex to get what they want. Men cannot, as sex is what they want. (BBC blog 2003)