Home Social aspects of sexuality Sexual pleasuring Only some men are motivated to offer foreplay

Only some men are motivated to offer foreplay

There must inevitably be some men who are content with the frequency and quality of sex that their female partners provide. This may be because they are less responsive than the average male so they can better accommodate women’s lesser sexual interest. But it is also equally certain that many men are quite oblivious to any of the obvious feedback that women provide. In other words they expect less than other men. Kinsey noted that the majority of men do not need an apparently engaged partner. The sexual act itself provides their full satisfaction. This is natural. Intercourse is a biological male urge. Peripheral eroticism is due to the fertile imagination of a few men.

Both the clitoris and the so-called G-spot were discovered by researchers. It’s important to ask why this was. If these mechanisms are as effective as they are claimed to be, why did couples not discover them in millennia of lovemaking? Researchers concluded that the clitoris is key to female orgasm but this has never been unanimously confirmed by heterosexual couples.
Men have always enjoyed groping women’s bodies but women complain about this male behaviour. If women were aroused, they might enjoy such activity. The fact that they do not is evidence that men do this for their own enjoyment rather than for a woman’s pleasure. Women have never groped men’s bodies in a similar way or even stimulated their own with a lover.

A man’s sex drive causes him to focus on stimulating the vagina. In reality, given it is a cavity, little of the vagina is stimulated. Typically only the vaginal entrance and the external labia have any contact with a man’s body. Female orgasm is a comparatively recent discovery that has simply been assumed to occur as a result of the stimulation men are naturally motivated to provide. Petting was a product of some men being aroused by and so motivated to explore a woman’s body as a precursor to engaging in intercourse. With the discovery of the clitoris, the traditional proactive male role of stimulating a woman through intercourse was expanded to include a responsibility for providing the clitoral stimulation a woman was assumed to need to orgasm.

This is the origin of the popular belief that it is the man’s role to supposedly give a woman an orgasm. Women’s sexual passivity and men’s inclination to be sexually proactive (because men are aroused with a lover and the prospect of penetration) made it a natural assumption. But foreplay makes no sense because of the array of female body parts involved. Orgasm is achieved by applying consistent stimulation (specifically rhythmic massaging of the sex organ) up until orgasm. Someone who is erotically aroused is motivated to supply this stimulation themselves. They do not wait for a lover to supply it.

Almost all men masturbate alone at least for some period of their lives. But many women never masturbate. So it is unlikely that they will do so with a lover (apart from providing a turn-on). Some men stimulate a lover’s clitoral glans by hand. But if a woman was aroused, she would be motivated to do this herself. The fact that a lover provides the stimulation is an indication that such stimulation is more important to a man than it is to a woman.

If a woman can stimulate herself to orgasm by using clitoral stimulation, why she would do this with a lover? She can stimulate herself at any time. A key issue is understanding how female arousal is achieved. If women were aroused with a lover (by genitals and sexual opportunities), then they would be similarly aroused by portrayals of the same situations in pornography. Pornography would not be censored in every society in the world as it is.

There are two key reasons why a man might want to vary his lovemaking techniques. The first is to increase his own arousal. But Kinsey concluded that the majority of men are not aroused by such activity. The second reason is to provide women with some variety and some sensual pleasures, given intercourse is almost totally lacking in physical sensation and erotic excitement. But there is no natural or instinctive reason why men should do this. The only instinctive behaviour involves men providing the mating act. This is why so many men assume that women should be satisfied, both emotionally and sexually, by intercourse. They assume erroneously that intercourse provides women with the same erotic pleasure that men enjoy.

Manual stimulation of the phallus is a prerequisite for masturbation alone. But the prime reason that men engage in sexual activity with a lover is to enjoy the pleasures of intercourse. Manual stimulation can be used with a lover. A man may stimulate his penis manually in order to obtain an erection. A man may enjoy a lover masturbating him because the idea of someone else providing stimulation arouses him more than self-stimulation. Women touch a lover to demonstrate affection. They want a lover to touch them to know that they are attractive and that a lover wants to enjoy their body. Most women only allow someone they love and trust to touch their genitals. Foreplay does not assist with female arousal but it does bring some variety into a sexual relationship, which becomes incredibly boring for women if it always focuses on intercourse. The pleasure is not so great that a woman insists on it. A woman waits for a man to offer. If she feels in the mood for some sensual pleasuring, she allows him to stroke and massage her body.

The sexual techniques which marriage councils and marriage manuals recommend are designed to foster the sort of intellectual eroticism which the upper level esteems. It depends on prolonged pre-coital play, a considerable variety in techniques, a maximum of stimulation before coital union, some delay after effecting such union, and, finally, orgasm which is simultaneous for the male and the female. (Alfred Kinsey)

Excerpt from Learn About Sexuality (ISBN 978-0956-894748)