Learn About Sexuality

The erotic pleasure a man enjoys from sex

Sexual activity, nudity and genital stimulation have a special significance. Because no matter how promiscuous we are, we don’t share this degree of intimacy with most people we meet. We interact with each other on a non-sexual level most of the time. Physical intimacy has a much greater emotional significance for men because their arousal generally depends on another person. A young man has little awareness of his lover’s response. His own performance and his enjoyment of intercourse fully occupy his mind. But over time the novelty wears off a little. A man starts to appreciate a lover who shows some appreciation of sex and eroticism.

Some people are more emotionally needy than others. Some are concerned about impressing others. Some people are introverted while others are extrovert. Some like superficial relationships. Some people want deep and meaningful relationships. So it’s difficult to generalise. Having said that we can say that a sexual relationship is much more important to men because sexual activity with a lover is a vital expression of their masculinity. Men’s desire for sex is driven as much by emotional factors as by physical. A man’s sexual satisfaction comes from off-loading his semen. But he is also looking for emotional acceptance from a lover. Intercourse is most enjoyable when it feels like a mutual exchange.

Men escape social responsibility and sexual accountability much more easily than women typically can. This is another reason why men can approach sex from the point of view of their own immediate pleasure. Women need to be educated to think of the consequences of sexual activity. Men are much less receptive to such education because of their sex drive. Men can feel ashamed of their sexual urges because of the disgust women often express over sexual phenomena.

There is nothing wrong with men’s sexual instincts. It’s just that women never experience arousal so they don’t understand the attraction of sexual activity. Men are looking for emotional reassurance and sexual acceptance. They want a lover to appreciate their arousal and their ability to perform. Both social and sexual interaction rely on the active interest of the participants. Women who make no effort to hide their indifference to intercourse were called ‘frigid’ in the past. This term holds such derision that women avoid it at all costs. Initially (when she is a virgin) a woman lies inert during intercourse expecting something to magically happen. When it doesn’t she has a choice to continue to be indifferent or to make an effort to simulate some kind of enthusiasm. The problem is that if she lies inert, her partner eventually realises that his love-making is not arousing her. He starts to lose confidence, asking her how he can please her. A man concludes that if a woman doesn’t like sex it means that she doesn’t love him.

We say that a woman is a good lover if she takes an active role in responding as a lover by providing erotic feedback in the form of encouraging noises, verbal sex-talk and by co-operating with intercourse and thereby assisting with penile stimulation. Men’s sex drive causes them to focus on penetrative sex rather than mutual masturbation. Women tend to be reluctant to offer a lover explicit genital stimulation by hand. They are also reluctant to be stimulated themselves because clitoral stimulation by a lover often feels uncomfortable.

A man hopes for a lover who has some appreciation of sexual pleasuring techniques and eroticism, is willing to explore a variety of approaches to enjoying sexual pleasuring with a lover and who understands a man’s desire to live out his fantasies. Occasionally a man hopes a woman will share his enjoyment of eroticism by watching porn movies together, by indulging in sex play that is more adventurous than intercourse, by exploring the use of sex toys or different sensations and by having sex in different places or in different positions.

Men say they want to know how to be a good lover but all their assumptions rest on the fact that a woman can orgasm with a lover. If men want women to stop faking orgasm, then it’s very simple. Men just have to give up on their fantasy that their lovemaking causes female orgasm. It is men who cause women to fake. Women learn that if a man cannot find sexual release via intercourse and the sense that he has satisfied his partner, then his whole world falls apart. So women feel obliged to go along with a man’s fantasies.

Men are not truly interested in female orgasm. They want a woman to provide the turn-ons they need to enjoy sex. This involves making a man feel appreciated sexually and providing some of the erotic feedback he hopes for. Many women never understand how to do this. It’s not all about faking orgasm. Women can do nothing about being unresponsive but this does not mean they cannot ‘respond’ as a lover. A woman can respond affectionately and erotically to intercourse. It’s about being loving and open-minded.

Lower level males … are often highly promiscuous … and there are many who have no interest in having intercourse with the same girls more than once. … here their behaviour is most different from the behaviour of the college-bred males. (Alfred Kinsey 1948)

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