Kinsey found that only 50% of the men in his sample were exclusively heterosexual. Many men (46%) were attracted towards other men even if only as a one-off experience. Around 10% of men at some time in their lives have predominantly homosexual relationships for a period of a few years. Highly sexed and uneducated men are more likely to engage in gay sex.
Many heterosexual men feel no animosity towards gay men. Kinsey noted that the men who were most bitterly opposed to gays often belonged to the social class with the highest occurrence of homosexual behaviour. A man who is bisexual has a choice. He can suppress his homosexual urges (no doubt believing such feelings are shameful) because he is also aroused by women. He may conclude that every man should be able to do the same. But around 4% of men are exclusively gay. They are only aroused by men.
Some people assume that people choose to be gay as a kind of lifestyle choice. It is ridiculous to suggest that men have made themselves victims of bigotry and persecution throughout history merely on a whim. It’s understandable that women might think this way but men fully understand the strength of male sex drive that cannot be repressed. Homophobia is largely down a certain kind of heterosexual man, who disrespects men (and women) for being a receiver of penetrative sex. This is one of the greatest crimes against humanity that has been perpetrated in the name of beliefs about the sanctity of vaginal intercourse. Women may use their family goals to justify sex but men’s sexual needs involve more than creating a new life.
Young men (regardless of orientation) have disadvantages when it comes to being a good lover. They can only enjoy a few minutes of thrusting activity (through intercourse) before they are obliged to ejaculate. Young men ejaculate quickly due to a youthful responsiveness and inexperience. Experience helps with lead-ins and reduces awkwardness with a new lover. Experience teaches us how to generate a comfortable atmosphere for enjoying sexual pleasure. We learn how we can suggest sexual activity and vary the pace. We learn what we enjoy ourselves and what a lover may enjoy.
Men’s physical gratification is based on sexual pleasure rather than the emotional rewards women enjoy by pleasing a lover. Young men, both gay and straight, are inclined to focus sexual encounters on penetration and thrusting to ejaculation. They approach sex with an ego that means the sexual attributes of a sexual partner are a trophy to be boasted of. They are easily flattered when someone agrees to have sex with them. A man’s desperation to find a partner may lead him to accept a low quality of sexual experience.
Many young men (regardless of orientation) start out by looking for quantity over quality of interaction. They measure their relationships in terms of a lover’s sexual attributes and see no value in knowing them as a person. Even if gay men theoretically agree to open relationships, they are notoriously jealous. If a man wants an open relationship it is often a sign that he is just notching up lovers. If a man stops allowing lust to cloud his judgement, he may make different sexual decisions. Loving, passionate sex can be much more fulfilling than a one-night stand with someone who has no technique.
Having sex with someone tells you little about the person. It is a good idea for anyone to get to know a person before getting involved sexually. Taking time to choose a partner who is a good match (of personality, values and interests) and investing in that relationship, can make male homosexual experiences much more rewarding. This doesn’t necessarily mean being a couple for life but just building a relationship of substance that lasts for years rather than months. The quality of sex can be vastly improved by having sex with someone who is a decent and likeable person. Good sex involves finding a partner who you can experiment with, explore and discover what you like. The quality of sex is more pleasurable with emotional intimacy.
Casual sex, even with protection, is always a risk. Being the penetrator may seem straightforward but we are not talking here about jamming a rod into a hole. A penetrator needs to use some sensitivity and respond to feedback. Verbal communication is often necessary. The person being penetrated can cooperate and give feedback to accommodate the penetrator’s thrusting action and make it more erotic and sexually rewarding. This co-operation verges on consent and often represents the line between pain and pleasure.
A gay man must always protect himself, including using condoms and lubrication. Many of the tissues involved in penetrative gay sex are sensitive and tear easily. The golden rule of sex is: if it hurts, then stop doing it. If something does not feel good, it should not be done. Sex is about pleasure, both what we give and what we receive from a lover. There are many ways to give and receive sexual pleasure. No one should ever feel pressured to engage in penetrative sex especially if both lovers are not enthusiastic. Sex between men need not always include penetration. Fellatio is often a more reliable way to give and receive pleasure without any risk of injuring anyone.
Gay men are often highly promiscuous. Research indicates that a high proportion of gay men have sex with many different men and 22 per cent have had more than ten partners. Men do not have the limitation that women (regardless of orientation) have of needing an emotional relationship to feel good about offering sex to a partner. Research indicates that only 29 per cent of lesbian women have sex with more than two partners and only 4 per cent who have had more than ten partners. Lesbians are rarely promiscuous.
Many of the (homosexual) males had been highly promiscuous, sometimes finding scores or hundreds of sexual partners. (Alfred Kinsey)