Prostitutes must have more sexual experience than even the most promiscuous of men. But a prostitute is never called a great lover. Men attribute all the skill and the effort of intercourse to themselves rather than to a woman. Men assume that women are merely the ungrateful recipients of the amazing sexual pleasure that men work so hard to deliver. Men’s arousal and their sex drive causes them to focus on their own performance.
Men are convinced that they provide women with amazing pleasure. Women say nothing. It’s a waste of time telling men how women feel because men simply don’t understand. In reality, sex involves women making effort for men’s sake. Even if a woman does not have the emotional rewards from the relationship that she wants (based on affectionate companionship). A woman is told that she should enjoy sex. Women are told that it is their duty to provide a man with the emotional reassurance he needs. But this duty can never be acknowledged because a man is offended.
The key problem with men thinking women obtain a similar pleasure from sex is that they fail to engage on the romantic factors that women need in order to feel amenable to intercourse. Men think that they can behave however they want. A man insults, disrespects and angers a woman and then he is surprised when she refuses to offer him intercourse. Sex is a male pleasure. A woman offers her body to a man because she loves him. A man prefers to avoid the need to show any gratitude for a woman’s contribution to his emotional happiness. This is the authority of male sexual arrogance.
For a woman, any sexual activity with a lover (especially penetrative sex) is the most intimate act anyone can engage in. She feels vulnerable and it takes a great deal of trust. Offering her body to a lover slightly humiliating for a woman (and incredibly boring) because of her full consciousness of her situation (without erotic arousal). Sex for a woman is an invasion of privacy, messy, slightly disgusting, tedious, uncomfortable, embarrassing and mortifying. This is the power of a woman’s love that enables a woman to overcome these instinctive feelings. Men seem to think that no matter how they behave that a woman should always offer sex, as if it’s male right. A woman doesn’t feel loved by this scenario. She feels used for male pleasure.
Even very pleasant men have a way of asserting their will and they often expect a woman to agree with them. Many women simply can’t be bothered to fight all the time. But men need to be aware that such behaviour makes it very unlikely that the relationship will ever be communicative. The best sex is enjoyed over the longer term by developing honest and open communication. This can only be done if both partners have some flexibility in attitude and some willingness to accept a lover’s point of view.
A woman’s cooperation with intercourse can be much more constructive than mere passivity. She may contribute to male gratification by offering additional stimulation or turn-ons such as implying a response. These behaviours benefit women because men tend to be generous to women who please them sexually. A woman accepts the risks of intercourse to give pleasure to a man she loves or to incentivise him to pay the family bills.
Although men may admire a woman who presents herself attractively, they rarely acknowledge the conscious effort she makes to play along with male fantasies and to respond lovingly and erotically to intercourse. A man sees his own role as core to intercourse. He assumes that a woman obtains an equal pleasure from intercourse or if not, that she should. Women cannot help being unaroused any more than men can help being regularly aroused.
Men travel away from home for weeks at a time without complaining about the lack of sex. It is only when they have a partner available that men expect sex on a regular basis. Many women feel pressure to keep those they love happy. Men don’t feel the same kind of emotional pressure. Men may be devoted at the start of a relationship. But the novelty wears off. Women continue to offer sex but they often accept that a man gives little back in terms of affection or meaningful companionship. Men think of sex as a right. The message for women is: don’t be so soft. Expect more from a man.
If a woman wants children, it obviously makes sense to have the support of the father. But even without children, a woman wants to enjoy the companionship of a man who is an interesting companion and who cares about her. Having a relationship with a man involves offering regular intercourse. A man will not be loyal without regular sex. This is still true today and explains why women feel obliged to provide the sex men need.
Men subsidise a woman’s lifestyle in return for obtaining regular intercourse. Most men are happy to do this, seeing their ability to provide for a woman and a family as key to their own sexuality. This male earning ability gives men control in relationships. But men’s need for regular intercourse also gives women control. So these two factors involve a balance or a compromise to ensure that a couple enjoys a rewarding relationship.
Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men. (Joseph Conrad 1913)