Men usually make the first move in dating scenarios, which puts a woman in the position of turning down the men she is not attracted to. Men get used to having to pursue a woman. Men also accept that women often give little positive encouragement, which they attribute to shyness or modesty. This is often true but these qualities are a result of being unresponsive.
Men reject the idea that women engage in sex to keep them happy as an insult. The idea that they are dependent on women for sexual relief is insupportable because it threatens men’s ego. The proposal that women should be capable of orgasm with a lover makes sex a more socially acceptable activity. The concept of female orgasm is used by men to insist that sexual activity (intercourse in particular) involves mutual pleasuring.
Men’s foremost concern is their own sexual opportunities. They don’t want anyone saying that women get less from sex in case it puts women off sex. The idea that a woman orgasms every time, allows men to assume a woman wants intercourse whenever they do. Men don’t think about female orgasm in logical terms. Female orgasm represents their chance of getting sex.
Men cannot understand why a woman does not want sex when her role is so trivial compared to his own. Men create the contradiction over women’s sexual amenability. They don’t respect a woman who ‘spreads her legs’ and offers sex too easily. Yet at the same time they are frustrated when they don’t get the sex they want. Intercourse provides men with the turn-on of penetration and the sexual acceptance they need to feel emotionally fulfilled. Intercourse is a demonstration of male potency (to impregnate).
Men are obsessed with their penis and a belief that it can provide women with amazing pleasure. Women say nothing. It’s a waste of time telling men how women feel because men simply don’t understand. Men imply that women are helpless recipients of their benevolence. In reality sex involves women making effort for men’s sake. Women have to participate in activity that does nothing for them and try to appear enthusiastic. Men do not understand the emotional factors that cause women to be amenable to intercourse. Men rarely acknowledge women’s contribution.
Although men may admire a woman who presents herself attractively, they rarely acknowledge the conscious effort she makes to play along with male fantasies and to respond lovingly and erotically to intercourse. A man sees his own role as core to intercourse. He assumes that a woman obtains an equal pleasure from intercourse or if not, that she should. Women cannot help being unaroused any more than men can help being regularly aroused.
A woman’s cooperation with intercourse can be much more constructive than mere ‘passivity’. She may contribute to male gratification by offering additional stimulation or turn-ons such as implying a response. These behaviours benefit women because men tend to be generous to women who please them sexually. A woman accepts the risks of intercourse to give pleasure to a man she loves or to incentivise him to pay the bills.
Men insist that women have sex for their own orgasm as if they are part of something erotic. Women translate this into ‘dirty’, which makes them feel ashamed of their sexual role. Research indicates that women are often willing to have sex just to please men. There is a sense that women subjugate themselves to men. Men are just as motivated to please women by subsidising a woman’s lifestyle. A woman invests in sex for her partner’s sake. She sees this as a demonstration of her platonic caring love.
A man’s view of relationships is short term (from one erection to the next). If he has an erection he thinks about a partner. If not, he goes about his own business. A woman loves all the time. Women’s instincts are to nurture because they care for children on a daily basis. If a man ignores her need for affection and companionship this is evidence he doesn’t care. Each instance is evidence and it accumulates over time. Men assume that women cannot forgive and that they harbouring grievances. But a woman interprets a man’s neglect of her as on-going proof that he is not devoted to her.
Even very pleasant men have a way of asserting their will and they often expect a woman to agree with them. Many women simply can’t be bothered to fight all the time. But men need to be aware that such behaviour makes it very unlikely that the relationship will ever be communicative. The best sex is enjoyed over the longer term by developing honest and open communication. This can only be done if both partners have some flexibility in attitude and willingness to accept a lover’s point of view.
Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men. (Joseph Conrad 1913)