A contributing factor to the longevity of heterosexual relationships is that some men (perhaps the majority) look for an emotional connection. They are tempted by attractive women because of their automatic arousal. But they never seriously consider a casual liaison. This is partly due to sexual timidity but also to a desire for acceptance. The negativity surrounding sex in society causes many men to be cautious about approaching women. There is the fear of rejection but also the fear of being treated with disgust.
So many women are highly vocal in condemning men’s sexuality as crude, obscene and disgusting. Women never experience this kind of negativity from men. Men value the fact that a lover doesn’t react in this way. Women may be passive and silent but at least a female lover is not abusive. Men equate this loving or passive behaviour as sexual acceptance and derive a considerable emotional reassurance from it. Being accepted sexually allows men to feel that their sexuality is a positive aspect of who they are as men.
If a strange man makes a sexual advance, a woman had no interest. But once she has accepted a man as her lover, she accepts that he needs regular intercourse. So she accepts the need for sexual activity because she loves him or because she knows it’s expected. A woman reacts very little when her lover reveals his erect penis. She doesn’t scream but neither does she express pleasure on seeing his erection. Women think genitals are ugly, even those of a lover. But they know men are offended if they say so. This is another reason for women’s sexual passivity and silence on sexual topics. They passively acquiesce to men’s desire rather than proactively invite it. This makes a strong contrast between pornography and women in real life.
Men don’t want women to see their flaccid (non-erect) penis because it is usually quite small. Men may be embarrassed if their arousal is apparent where it is not appreciated. A woman may laugh out of nervous embarrassment. Most men want to know that their erection will be appreciated before they display it. Women are offended if a man other than a lover displays his erection. Women learn that a man with an erection wants penetrative sex so women interpret genital display as a threat.
A woman cannot understand the male satisfaction in displaying the erect penis. Neither can a woman understand the pleasure to be obtained from ejaculating into another person’s body. Women have no comparable experience. Male territorial instincts mean that spraying semen and urine can be satisfying or just fun. Women are not aroused by physical phenomena such as body fluids. They are usually revolted by such things.
When aroused, men experience rigidity of the sex organ (the penis). But this increased blood flow, although concentrated in the genitals can also affect the sensitivity of other parts of the body (called tumescence). So when sexually aroused, a man may enjoy being stroked and sucked on almost any part of his body for example, the nipples, the toes and the testicles.
If a man loses his erection, a woman can ask him to lie on top. She can feel around his penis and testicles. Once his penis hardens slightly, she can hold it firmly in her hand and use a gentle pumping action to increase his erection. When a man masturbates, he uses a firm stimulation technique. When a woman first masturbates a man, she may be surprised by just how vigorously she can stimulate his penis with her hand. A responsive woman’s masturbation technique is firm but more diffuse, slower and much gentler.
Men are disappointed when women don’t offer oral sex. Men don’t appreciate that women consider genitals to be smelly and ugly rather than arousing. No woman wants to touch a penis let alone put one in her mouth. If a woman offers fellatio, a man must ensure his penis is scrupulously clean before putting it in her mouth. Fellatio involves a woman putting her nose close to a penis and pubic hair, both of which can be pungent and offensive to women. Only some women offer fellatio either for love or for money.
Many women refuse to offer fellatio. They cannot understand what it means to a man because they don’t obtain the same pleasure from being the receiver of oral stimulation. A woman may be more amenable to fellatio if a man agrees to stop before he ejaculates. Some men are very reluctant to do this. Men particularly want to ejaculate into a body orifice. If they cannot ejaculate into a woman’s mouth, then they may not see the point of fellatio.
A woman has a reaction ranging from mild to extreme disgust at the idea of putting a penis in her mouth. Some women put this instinctive aversion aside to please their lover. This depends on their generosity and the state of the relationship; not responsiveness. We do not consume our own secretions. Nor do we consume someone else’s. The idea of semen being ejaculated into her mouth is enough to make most women want to vomit.
If she is willing, a woman should offer fellatio whenever she feels she can. If a woman doesn’t like the taste of semen she may want to offer her partner fellatio just as a warm-up. A shared bath is a good venue for fellatio (starting with lathering his penis). There are various gels on the market that can be applied to the body (including the genitals) and then licked off.
This greater inclination of the human male towards oral activity is duplicated among other species of mammals. (Alfred Kinsey 1953)