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Misunderstandings over how orgasm is achieved

The issue of female orgasm with a lover is at the core of sexual politics. Men want to feel valued as lovers. Women want to keep men happy in bed so they get other things in exchange such as love, support and companionship.

The confusion over female orgasm is down to two main factors. Firstly, women’s lack of responsiveness means that they have no understanding of what is involved in orgasm. They can happily fabricate stories or embellish their experiences because they are ignorant of what an orgasm is. Their motives for talking about orgasm revolve around reassuring themselves (that they are sexually normal as defined by men), reassuring their partner (that they are sexually willing) or simply making money by being popular. They have no interest in a scientific understanding of true female responsiveness.

The second factor in the confusion over female orgasm, is men’s desire to define female orgasm to suit their own purposes. Men know exactly how orgasm is achieved. Yet they accept a definition of female orgasm that is inconsistent with their own experience. Even men cannot achieve orgasm in the ways they propose that women should. For example, men suggest that women can orgasm within random time constraints set by their lover’s responses (of erection and ejaculation). They believe in such impossible feats despite the contrary evidence of women’s behaviours. For example, men are motivated to obtain the stimulation they need. Men discontinue sexual activity as soon as they orgasm. Women do not behave in the same way as men do because they are not aroused and do not orgasm with a lover.

Men enjoy the pleasures of being the penetrator, including:

  • obtaining release from sexual frustration;
  • enjoying the pleasures of psychological domination; and
  • the territorial pleasures of ejaculating.

Female orgasm is assumed to equate to the pleasure of male orgasm plus all these combined pleasures of a penetrator. If so, how is rape ever supposed to be a problem? It is implied that a man’s attitude (abusive versus loving) transforms intercourse from a pleasurable act into violation. Our response to stimulation does not vary according to the attitude of the person supplying it. No wonder men are confused and sexual assault thrives! For a man, it is almost guaranteed that intercourse ends with his orgasm. So men naturally have difficulty accepting that women do not orgasm from the same activity.

Women often describe relationship factors when referring to their arousal. Such feelings to not lead to orgasm. Many women only ever have romantic fantasies, which involve the idea of intercourse but without any close-up genital activity of penetrative sex. A responsive woman achieves orgasm by consciously focus her mind on the explicit detail of penetrative sex. Some women say they stop having orgasms. But no one forgets how to orgasm. Women mistake romantic factors early in relationships for orgasm. Our ability to orgasm does not disappear overnight. Responsiveness slowly ebbs away over years. So when men suffer erectile disfunction this is quite a different phenomenon that is not related to their natural responsiveness.

When aroused a man may exude clear liquid (commonly referred to as pre-cum) from the end of his penis. Tumescence and lubrication of the genitals are a result of the mind and body preparing for sexual activity. A man’s erection is evidence of his mental arousal. A woman’s body also prepares for intercourse by producing vaginal lubrication. The function of vaginal lubrication is to facilitate intercourse and reproduction. Vaginal lubrication is produced quite independently of a woman’s mental arousal, which is evidenced (as men’s arousal is) by tumescence of the sex organ (phallus).

Anyone who writes a book or produces a movie can portray women’s sexuality in any way they choose especially if it entertains an audience. These sources of erotic fiction have wide reaching impact on general beliefs because they are presented so convincingly. We will never stop men from producing their artistic interpretations of female sexuality. But by providing universal sex education we can help an audience apply some common sense in assessing the fantasy and reality components of what they read and watch.

Our society’s portrayal of sex suits those who are looking for emotional reassurance that they can easily please a lover. To some women, the idea that they are supposed to be capable of something that men find so appealing, helps to make them more attractive to men. The suggestion that they can please men so easily validates them or makes them feel good about themselves. But porn consists of male turn-ons produced for men by men. It has nothing to do with how a woman achieves orgasm for herself. It is very easy for any woman, who wants to reassure her lover, to fake an orgasm.

The only reason men care about female orgasm is because they attribute a woman’s orgasm to their own sexual prowess. Men interpret claims of female orgasm as evidence of women’s enjoyment of intercourse. Some men proudly supply accounts of the orgasms they believe their partners have as a result of the stimulation they provide. Orgasm is a selfish pleasure we enjoy because we are aroused in our own mind as a result of specific erotic stimuli that are personal to us. The stimulation is supplied or obtained instinctively.

The majority of women worldwide do not have orgasms during intercourse: as a matter of fact, female sexual dysfunctions are popular because they are based on something that does not exist, i.e. the vaginal orgasm. (Vincenzo & Giulia Puppo)

Excerpt from Learn About Sexuality (ISBN 978-0956-894748)