Single men have to chat up every woman they go to bed with. For some men, the excitement of the chase and the novelty of a new partner, make the hard work worthwhile. Having gone to the trouble to persuade a woman to have intercourse with him, some men do not want to start the process all over again with another woman. A man needs a regular sexual outlet and this is obtained most easily by engaging in a relationship with one woman.
Men are aroused by women’s bodies and obtain their greatest satisfaction from ejaculating into a vagina. But they don’t thank a woman for giving them an orgasm. A man usually obtains his own stimulation through thrusting. In his eyes, a man makes his own orgasm. For much the same reasons, women never boast about their lover’s orgasms. Male orgasm tends to occur reliably but a man’s implicit or explicit gratitude may cause a woman to feel loved.
Heterosexual men are confused by references to the clitoris. Their sex drive (to engage in penetrative sex) focuses them on the vagina. Why does a woman have sex with a man if she wants clitoral stimulation? She can get that by herself or with another woman. A man assumes that a woman is focused on the same act that he is. He overlooks the fact that a woman only needs to be amenable to intercourse rather being driven to obtain it.
Women’s behaviour of claiming to orgasm with a lover is just another way that women avoid engaging proactively on the eroticism that men enjoy. A man never challenges because he has what he wants: a woman’s implicit consent. Men don’t appreciate how easily they can be exploited women telling them what they want to hear. Who is exploiting who? It probably depends on how clever you are about getting more than you are giving.
Men assume that a woman enjoys sex unless her behaviour indicates otherwise. As long as a woman does nothing to challenge a man’s belief in her supposed sexual pleasure (orgasm during intercourse or other activity with him) he feels reassured. The fact that she never talks about sexual pleasure and that she never initiates sexual contact, does not concern him. This is an emotional belief that does not stand up to scientific questioning.
Given the background of the anti-social pursuits of others of their sex (rape, sexual harassment, etc.), men equate talk of female orgasm to a green light. When a woman says that she has an orgasm a man accepts her account no matter how unconvincing it may be. Even so there are complicated conditions that don’t apply when men want sex. A woman needs to feel loved and respected. She wants the right to rescind her consent at any time.
Consent is not a natural concept for many men. They only see their side of sexual attraction. As long as they are aroused by a woman, they can guarantee their ability to stimulate her through intercourse and thus (in their eyes) provide women with sensational pleasure. Just as a man doesn’t want to miss the opportunity a hard-on provides so he assumes a woman would not want to miss the opportunity provided by his erection. That opportunity is intercourse. He is oblivious to any reproductive risks or social issues.
The most basic consent a husband has from his wife allows him to take the initiative and make all the effort involved in penetrating her and thrusting until he ejaculates. Many wives offer nothing more than making themselves available. Prostitutes offer intercourse by default but for a higher price may also provide fellatio. If a man is rich, he may maintain a mistress in addition to his own family, who may engage more explicitly on a man’s specific sexual needs and fantasies. Some societies or religions allow a man to have more than one wife, which increases his chances of finding a more proactive lover.
Anyone, who is willing to acknowledge men and women’s mismatched sex drives, tends to focus on ideas for increasing women’s enthusiasm for intercourse. No one ever suggests that men might try to lower their sex drive. Men think that their regular arousal is always a positive asset (in case a sexual opportunity arises). Yet men’s response to images of apparently amenable and partially clothed women leads to significant frustration.
Most people never comment on sexual issues. Those who do (a tiny minority) have political motivations and they are rarely interested in facts and logic. Men insist that women love sex as much as they do. In order to attract men, women suggest they are always sexually willing. Most of the silent majority ignores this bravado but many others feel they have missed something. They have the impression that others have better experiences.
Men masturbate when they are alone but they are much less interested in masturbation with a lover. Manual stimulation of the penis tends to be a transitory activity with a lover that does not proceed as far as orgasm. A man’s prime focus with a lover is to capitalise on the opportunity for penetration (vaginal, anal or oral). Given their high arousal, men always focus on the penis. By contrast women focus more on their whole body with a lover. Women, including lesbians, enjoy more sensual and emotional pleasures with a lover because of their lack of arousal. This contributes to the confusion over the anatomy involved in achieving female orgasm. Men assume women are focused on achieving orgasm with a lover as they are.
Rather than having sex, many women simply want to LOOK like they are having sex. (Bella Ellwood-Clayton 2013)