In the early days of a relationship, a couple may explore different approaches to pleasuring. Given women’s sexual passivity, it is typically the man who takes the sexual initiative. A man has the motivation to explore a lover’s body because he is aroused by doing so. A woman is not. Typically men try different approaches to sexual pleasuring with the boundaries set by a woman’s objections. Over time instead of this random and silent approach, a couple may want to invest in more open communication about their sex life. A woman could suggest, outside the bedroom, the activities she would like to try or how she would like a lover to stimulate her. Women should be more proactive with a lover. If a woman has read erotic literature or watched porn movies, she may identify with the role of giving pleasure.
Looking good is much less important to many heterosexual men. Their main concern in a sexual relationship is their ability to enjoy their erection. But a woman approaches sex with a focus on her whole body. She assumes a man may appreciate her skin, her breasts and her genitals. She feels on show to some degree and that her attractiveness is a vital part of a couple’s sex life. So if she feels out of shape, she may be less willing to offer sex.
A woman accepts intercourse because of the inherent authority that comes with men’s sex drive. Male sex drive provides some reassurance of a man’s commitment. Women don’t need men to perform but they come to expect it. A woman worries (if a man no longer wants her) that he loves another. In romantic fiction a woman is swept off her feet by a man’s sexual passion. A man makes love to a woman to demonstrate his sexual admiration for her. So, for example, a man does not make love to a prostitute. We never talk about a woman making love to a man. Men want sex, not lovemaking.
It’s possible for some men to be satisfied with the sexual services of a prostitute. Women don’t use male prostitutes in the same way because they want sex within an emotionally significant relationship, usually with a loving partner. A woman may feel loved because a man needs her sexually. Many men also don’t want sex with a stranger. But a man can enjoy his arousal and orgasm without any need for a relationship. Women participate in casual sex for ego but they do not obtain physical gratification as men do.
Humans have sex much more than is needed for reproduction. So, even men are not motivated by a purely biological drive. Our minds are aroused by the opportunity to have sex with different sexual partners or in different scenarios. Few men would walk away from a relationship where they are having regular and varied sex with an enthusiastic and adventurous partner. Men look for a variety of partners because they are bored by marital sex.
Older women may complain that their husbands no longer want to make love to them. A woman may miss sex but this has nothing to do with orgasm. If she wanted an orgasm, she could masturbate. Instead of complaining about her partner, a woman needs to offer some proactive pleasuring herself. The person who is most sexually motivated should make the effort.
Some women are much more proactive as lovers than others. This is related to personality, culture and how much a woman identifies with the women in erotic fiction. Men like to assume that a woman is proactive because she is herself aroused. This fantasy reassures a man that a woman will be amenable to regular intercourse. Women who invest in their sex life, do so by making conscious effort to please a lover (just as prostitutes do).
Sex is like a conversation and no one enjoys talking to themselves. A man appreciates a lover who occasionally takes the sexual initiative. He also appreciates a lover who gives him permission to explore her body. A woman can enjoy this scenario because she abdicates herself from any need to make effort. She can just lie there and enjoy the sensations of being stimulated by a lover even though the feelings do not culminate in a climax.
If men only wanted an orgasm, they could masturbate. Men enjoy penetrating and ejaculating into a lover’s body. Men like having the lights on, using mirrors and a lover who displays herself provocatively. Male turn-ons are crude, graphic and obvious. They can appreciate obvious sexual invitations as a woman spreading her legs or holding her buttocks apart.
Women assume that men are automatically aroused. Men need specific erotic stimuli such as female genitalia or sexual activity. A woman can buy sexy nightwear or pornographic videos to watch together naked. A woman needs to project her appreciation of her lover. She can make encouraging comments about her excitement at the prospect of being penetrated by him.
The most frequent reason men gave for having sex outside their marriages was sexual rejection by their wives, or the boring nature of repeated sex with the same person in marriage. (Shere Hite 1993)