Consent would not be an issue if intercourse caused female orgasm. The idea that women need a loving partner to enjoy sex, is clear evidence that women look for emotional rather than erotic rewards. This fact is difficult for men to accept in part because it is not their experience. But also men want to believe that women are equally motivated to engage in sexual activity with a lover. This issue is key to understanding the concept of consent.
It’s easy to tell whether a man is aroused because he has an erection. A man does not have the benefit of the same kind of visual evidence of female arousal. If women knew what turn-ons and stimulation they needed, their lovers would also know. It would be obvious. Women don’t know because they experience sexual activity with a lover as a social (not an erotic) scenario. Women are not aroused by real-world triggers (such as genitals or lacy underwear). So women do not respond to stimulation as men do. Even responsive women only orgasm alone. A woman may accept the manual, oral or vaginal stimulation a lover provides but without no erotic arousal, there is little pleasure. Being unaroused, women can focus on a lover’s needs and provide turn-ons or stimulation to assist with male orgasm.
The only proactive sexual role available to women is to assist with a lover’s arousal and orgasm. This behaviour is consciously motivated, rather than a response to eroticism. If a woman cares about a man, she may appreciate that his sexual release is critical to his emotional happiness. Women also provide turn-ons to reduce the time they have to invest in sexual activity. By co-operating with intercourse, a woman increases both the erotic and physical stimuli that help achieve the goal of male orgasm sooner.
Men insist on assuming that women offer sex for their own gratification. Men call it ego but it’s deeper than that. It’s a self-absorption that comes from having a sex drive. A determination to believe that the receiver is obtaining the same pleasure as the penetrator. This is the key misconception that supports men’s political pressure on women to provide sex. Women give willingly or not at all. Coercion, pressure, bullying all work against a woman’s love. A woman gives because she wants to. Men don’t seem to want a woman’s love. They just want to feel good about themselves.
Every woman on the planet could wear a sticker saying ‘I’m not interested’ and men still wouldn’t get it. A woman could hit a man over the head with a brick hammer to convey to him the strength of her conviction that she is not interested in sex. He still wouldn’t get it. Such is the nature of male sex drive. This male trait of ignoring feedback, both subtle and obvious, means that men fail to read the signs women give them, not just on sex, but on all aspects of relationships. Men’s ability to be impervious to any form of feedback handicaps them when it comes to relationships with women.
Men complain that women always want to change them. When a woman asks him to change his behaviour, a man is unwilling to negotiate and feels she is nagging him unreasonably. He cannot accept that women look for emotional (not erotic) rewards from relationships. For a woman, having a relationship with a man is a huge project of investment. She has to invest almost as much as she does in children. She has to teach him how to behave in a considerate manner. She has to improve his presentation style. She may coach him in his political manoeuvrings and with his career progression. This because women typically have the social skills that men often lack.
Women offer sex because they empathise with a man’s needs. If a woman is in the mood, providing a man with the sexual pleasure and release he needs can be fun. What is selfish is a man’s need to believe that a woman does this because she wants it herself. It is the denial of the female perspective that is insulting. Men refuse to accept that women offer a partner sex to demonstrate their love. It is the greatest gift a woman can give.
Men’s prime interest in sexual knowledge focuses on how women can be encouraged to be more enthusiastic about intercourse. Men cannot relate to the emotional drivers women need to enjoy sex. This confusion between arousal (which relies on erotic stimuli) and amenability (which relies on emotional stimuli) is due to ignorance over how orgasm is achieved. If men accepted that women are not capable of orgasm with a lover, maybe they could start focussing on the real issue. Men need to provide some of the emotional factors that make women more willing to provide the sex that men want. Men need to put their fantasies to one side to get what they want.
Studies have shown anywhere from 55% – 80% (If not more) of women fake orgasms. Yet ask any man on the street and they think they are handing out orgasms like a bag of peanuts on an airplane. That math is not adding up people! (Stephan Labossiere 2012)