Men’s prime interest in sexual knowledge focuses on how women might be encouraged to be more enthusiastic about intercourse. No one knows what erotic turn-ons might cause female arousal, so men focus on stimulation techniques. Men are told that women need emotional drivers to enjoy sex but they cannot relate to this information. This confusion between arousal (which relies on erotic stimuli) and amenability (which relies on emotional stimuli) is a key obstacle in educating men about women’s sexuality.
Men can orgasm from manual stimulation with a lover, oral sex and intercourse because all of these scenarios involve stimulating the penis. In fact, stimulation is not the issue. Men assume that women are aroused as they are and so they assume that women respond to stimulation as men do. But men are aroused by the physical presences of a lover and by sexual opportunities. Women are not aroused by these real-world erotic stimuli.
Perhaps if women were aroused by men’s bodies and viewed men as sex objects, men would be more sympathetic towards male homosexuals. Men focus on women’s bodies as objects of arousal so they cannot understand anyone actively wanting to penetrate a male body. To men, female arousal is simply a mystery they cannot explain. This ignorance is reinforced by women who explain their arousal with a lover in emotional terms.
Men notice that women do not initiate sex and that they wait for intercourse to finish. Men complain about these female behaviours but they still insist that sex provides an equal pleasure, as a means of justifying sex. It means that men don’t have to be grateful to women. The idea that women are just having sex because men insist on it, kills the fantasies that men use to enjoy sexual pleasure. Even if a woman’s behaviour is less than enthusiastic, a man can still convince himself that she is enjoying some undefined aspect of the activity as long as her very evident disinterest is not openly acknowledged.
Men’s all-consuming fascination and self-absorbed obsession with sex, means that few women waste their time trying to explain to a man how they feel about sex. But women do try to talk to men about issues in the wider relationship that women care about. Women assume that men have similar emotional needs to women. Sadly men rarely relate to these aspects of relationships because their sexual needs swamp all other concerns.
Every woman on the planet could wear a sticker on her forehead saying ‘I’m really not that keen on sex’ and men still wouldn’t get it. A woman could hit a man over the head with a brick hammer to convey to him the strength of her conviction that she doesn’t want sex. He still wouldn’t get it.
Such is the nature of male sex drive. A man assumes a woman wants sex even if she never initiates sex, is never sexually proactive and provides no evidence of arousal. If men didn’t assume this, they would never overcome women’s antipathy and we would be much less successful as a species.
This male trait of ignoring feedback, both subtle and obvious, means that men fail to read the signs women give them, not just on sex, but on all aspects of relationships. Men’s ability to be impervious to any form of feedback handicaps them when it comes to relationships with women.
Men often think that if they earn more money than a woman and say ‘I love you’ occasionally, a woman should be happy. A man thinks that sex solves everything. He doesn’t accept that women look for emotional not sexual rewards. Men’s needs are more obvious but also men are more focused on getting what they want. A man seeks a relationship with a woman primarily to obtain a sexual outlet. So he assumes that sex is a given and that a woman has similar needs to his own. He is unwilling to negotiate and feels she is nagging him unreasonably when she asks him to change his behaviour.
Women’s bodies are relatively inert, so they have no experience similar to the male erection. The first time a woman encounters an erect penis is when she is a virgin. A woman comes to accept that once a man has an erection he also has an urgent desire for intercourse that she is expected to satisfy.
Resentments build up over time. Men resent women not being more amenable to intercourse and not more tuned into the eroticism of sexual activity. Women resent men for expecting intercourse without any appreciation that a woman is not aroused by sex. Naturally there are also men with low sex drives, which may cause a woman to feel unappreciated.
A woman may accept her lover’s desire to stimulate her manually, orally and vaginally. For some men it is a turn-on because they imagine that a lover must be aroused by such stimulation as they would be. But without mental arousal, this stimulation provides little sexual pleasure. A woman can easily provide male turn-ons, which revolve around anatomy and invitations.
But women are not aroused by the same phenomena. Men boast about female orgasm because they attribute it to their own efforts. But if women were aroused, they would proactively seek their own stimulation. Heterosexual activity is driven by and defined by the man’s arousal.
Studies have shown anywhere from 55% – 80% (If not more) of women fake orgasms. Yet ask any man on the street and they think they are handing out orgasms like a bag of peanuts on an airplane. That math is not adding up people! (Stephan Labossiere 2012)