Men don’t appreciate that women are oblivious to the stimulation provided by intercourse. There is almost no sensation, certainly not internally, only a slight impact on the external genitalia but this thumping of a man’s body into her pelvis does not provide any particular pleasure. But once men have achieved their orgasm, they tend to lose all interest in supplying any further lovemaking. Some men provide foreplay because they appreciate this problem and prefer to make effort before having their orgasm rather than afterwards. But again men’s focus tends to be genital (e.g. cunnilingus) rather than whole body or sensual stimulation that a woman appreciates.
Men are lucky. The penis is both a reproductive organ and a sex organ. Unfortunately, the same is not true for the vagina. The vagina complements the penis but only for reproductive purposes. Nevertheless, men’s sex drive means that they would ideally like a partner to be equally enthusiastic about engaging in intercourse. Men ignore the anatomical precedents, which indicate very clearly that orgasm is achieved through anatomy that parallels the male (the clitoris) rather than anatomy that complements it (the vagina).
Men can’t have babies because they don’t have women’s reproductive biology. Everyone accepts this logic because men don’t want babies. But men do want women to have orgasms as and when they do. So the logic that women don’t have men’s reproductive biology is not accepted. Sexual politics motivates adults of both sexes to promote the idea that women should orgasm from stimulation of their reproductive anatomy (the vagina).
The only proactive sexual role available to women is to assist with male orgasm. This behaviour is consciously motivated, rather than a response to eroticism. If a woman cares about a man, she may appreciate that his sexual release is critical to his emotional happiness. Women also provide turn-ons to reduce the time they have to invest in sexual activity. By co-operating with intercourse, a woman provides both the erotic (because a man assumes his lover is aroused) and physical stimuli that help achieve male orgasm sooner.
Men insist on believing that women offer sex for their own gratification. Men call it ego but it’s deeper than that. It’s a self-absorption that comes from having a sex drive. A determination to believe that the receiver is obtaining the same pleasure as the penetrator. This is the key misconception that supports men’s political pressure on women to provide sex. A woman gives because she wants to. Women give willingly or not at all. Coercion, pressure and bullying all work against a woman’s love. Men don’t seem to want love. They just want to feel good about themselves.
Every woman on the planet could wear a sticker saying ‘I’m not interested’ and men still wouldn’t get it. A woman could hit a man over the head with a brick hammer to convey to him the strength of her conviction that she is not interested in sex. He still wouldn’t get it. Such is the nature of male sex drive. This male trait of ignoring all forms of feedback, both subtle and obvious, means that men fail to read the signs women give them, not just on sex, but on all aspects of relationships. Men’s ability to be impervious to any form of feedback handicaps them in their relationships with women.
Men complain that women always want to change them. Men often behave badly in their relationships with women. But when a woman asks him to change his behaviour, a man thinks she is being unreasonable. Perhaps men mistakenly assume that women have the same biological need for sex that men have. Perhaps men think women must be aroused by sex as men are. Yet men are always buying flowers as a token of love. At some level men accept that women look for emotional rewards from their relationships. For a woman, having a relationship with a man is a huge investment. She has to invest almost as much as she does in children. She has to teach him how to behave in a considerate manner. She has to improve his presentation style. She may coach him in his political manoeuvrings and with his career progression. Women typically have the social skills that men often lack.
Women offer sex because they empathise with a man’s needs. If a woman is in the mood, providing a man with the sexual pleasure and release he needs can be fun. What is selfish is a man’s need to believe that a woman does this because she wants it herself. It is the denial of the female perspective that is insulting. Men refuse to accept that women offer a partner sex to demonstrate their love. It is the greatest gift a woman can give.
Men’s prime interest in sexual knowledge focuses on how women can be encouraged to be more enthusiastic about intercourse. Men cannot relate to the emotional drivers women need to enjoy sex. This confusion between arousal (which relies on erotic stimuli) and amenability (which relies on emotional stimuli) is due to ignorance over how orgasm is achieved. If men accepted that women are not capable of orgasm with a lover, maybe they could start focussing on the real issue. Men need to provide some of the emotional factors that make women more willing to provide the sex that men want. Men need to put their fantasies to one side to get what they want.
Studies have shown anywhere from 55% – 80% (If not more) of women fake orgasms. Yet ask any man on the street and they think they are handing out orgasms like a bag of peanuts on an airplane. That math is not adding up people! (Stephan Labossiere 2012)