Learn About Sexuality

Sex as a bargaining chip in loving relationships

The battle of the sexes. If men and women love each other why are women always fighting men for respect? Part of the reason is men’s desire to control women as their prime sexual outlet. Men and women also disagree over the frequency of sexual activity. Sex is often the battleground.

Men are physically bigger and stronger than women. They often earn more money. Men generally have more power and a forceful personality than women. But Nature provides women with a natural advantage. Women don’t need sex as men do. All relationships are about negotiating. Men offer security and protection. Women need something to offer in return. That thing is sex. So women who imply that they enjoy sex as much as a man do not understand the laws of nature.

One of the fundamental principles of intercourse is that a woman gives it on her terms. If a man takes without getting a woman’s agreement she is angry, very angry and resentful. A man knows when he has gone over the line. Most men stop before they do because they fear the consequences: the end of the relationship or a woman’s cold-shoulder treatment.

Intercourse is a privilege that a woman confers on a man as a sign of her approval. He has pleased her in some way that makes her feel valued. Naturally men feel controlled by women for this reason. Men resent the fact that they are dependent on a woman allowing them to have intercourse. A man’s resentment very much depends on the way in which a woman uses sex as a way of manipulating him or getting what she wants.

The most basic consent a husband has from his wife allows him to climb on top of her, penetrate her vagina with his erect penis and thrust until he ejaculates. Prostitutes offer the same service but may include other penile stimulation such as fellatio. A mistress is more likely to appeal to a man’s erotic needs. A man has to be rich to maintain a mistress in addition to his own family home. Some societies or religions allow a man to have more than one wife. There are fewer examples of women having multiple lovers.

Men don’t understand the relationship and emotional drivers that women need to be amenable to sex. Women resent men for wanting sex more than they do. Men resent women for not wanting sex as much as they do. It’s relatively easy for woman to offer sex. But there are a number of factors that put her off offering.

Some men come to expect a sexual performance from a woman. They expect her to be proactive by offering sex play. They expect her to express enthusiasm for sex either by being proactive during sex play or by providing sex chat. By accepting quickies or sex in unusual places (not always in bed before sleeping) a man allows a woman to be the object of his desire without her needing to make much effort.

A woman’s willingness to offer sexual pleasuring depends on a number of factors:

  • Her personality and the extent of her personal generosity;
  • The quality of the wider relationship or other rewards that she obtains from the relationship; and
  • Her level of sexual knowledge such as learning about the techniques prostitutes use in erotic fiction.

When you are young and in love you have no agenda. You believe in true love. Later on people of both sexes may come to accept that they do expect something of the relationship and of their partners. These things were perhaps implicit or taken for granted in the beginning. There were no set expectations because the circumstances didn’t require them. Later a woman may realise that companionship, family or financial security are more important to her that they were before. A man may become more conscious of the fact that having a regular sexual outlet is important to him.

A woman may be more sexually willing if she obtains: money, lifestyle, status, love or the support she wants for the family. A woman cooperates with a man’s desire for intercourse without being conscious of a barter situation, at least to start with. But over time, the pressure of his greater sex drive makes her realise the need to provide sex in order to keep him dedicated to supporting the relationship or the family.

Although a man knows that if a woman stops providing intercourse then he will eventually need to find another woman who is more amenable, he does not consciously equate his willingness to subsidise a woman’s income with her willingness to provide sexual favours. Women need to appreciate that a man has to be motivated to impregnate a woman through an on-going process of demonstrating his virility (as a potent male who may be in demand from other women).

Women leave men, not because they are unhappy with what he can provide, but because they are emotionally unfulfilled. (Allan & Barbara Pease 1999)

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