Our definition of female sexuality needs to reflect reality and what women are physically and emotionally capable of achieving in the real world. We are limited by the responsiveness with which we are endowed. The advantage of a more realistic approach is that couples can build on what is practically achievable rather than hanker after the unachievable fantasy.
Just as intercourse is not designed to facilitate female orgasm, so women are also not as strongly motivated by orgasm as men are. If women were motivated by orgasm, they would masturbate. They would masturbate as a natural activity using the hands, not because they have been sold a gimmick that is supposed to make them orgasm. Even women who can orgasm do not go to the lengths that men often do to engage in sexual activity.
Men never witness female orgasm because women orgasm alone. Neither are men aware of how female turn-ons work because a woman achieves arousal by using fantasies that she prefers to keep private. So men’s idea of these phenomena is based on women’s behaviours (not their responses). Women are not nearly as flexible in the circumstance in which they can orgasm. This is because of the difference in arousal mechanism between men and women. It is also because of the limited nature of female orgasm.
Women who are promoting sex anxiously insist that women enjoy sex. This is because men label anyone who is not interested in sex as inhibited or frigid. But these women say nothing of orgasm. None of them can explain the anatomy or the erotic turn-ons involved in female orgasm. Women believe in the fantasy of female arousal from erotic fiction as much as men do. This reflects universal ignorance of how orgasm is achieved.
The concept that women should enjoy sex was a common belief that existed before any sex research was done. But this belief was always a male view. Men want women to be sexually willing so as to maximise their pleasure. The sex industry promotes this view because it makes money out of selling a fantasy view of women’s sexuality to heterosexual men.
Men’s sexuality is straightforward in the sense that men focus on the mating act. Orgasm is the physiological event that causes (rewards) the male for the reproductive act of ejaculation. It has been assumed that women should orgasm from intercourse because of men’s drive to engage in penetrative sex. Most women never stimulate themselves. So the only time that their genitals are stimulated is when they are with a lover.
Researchers try to obtain answers from the general public. How do they expect to discover something from the public that they themselves do not know? Any heterosexual, male or female, should be aware of the anatomy and turn-ons involved in female orgasm if it occurs routinely with a lover. The problem with researching a topic that women know nothing about is that women cannot provide answers that they do not know themselves. Rather than conclude that women cannot explain erotic turn-ons because they are not aroused with a lover, men have assumed that women must be too modest or too timid to reveal details of this mysterious phenomenon.
Some women suggest that they use a sex toy or fingers to stimulate the clitoris during intercourse. Women who have never had an orgasm, are unaware of just how inflexible the conditions are that a woman needs to orgasm. Women can describe almost any sensation, emotional or sensual, that they experience during sexual activity with a lover as ‘orgasm’.
The anatomy involved in orgasm is a red herring. The real issue is the psychological arousal that causes a person to stimulate their sex organ. They did not ask themselves why heterosexual couples had failed to discover the clitoris. Neither did they ask why women themselves are so unaware of the clitoris. They failed to appreciate that lesbians (as do other women) confuse sensual and emotional sensations with orgasm.
Most women have no idea how orgasm is achieved. So when researchers ask women about arousal and orgasm they get confusion not science. The more women are told that they should orgasm the more confusion there is. Women are asked simple yes-no questions such as “Do you orgasm?”. But no one tries to determine the validity of women’s orgasm claims.
Anyone who can orgasm knows what stimulation and what erotic turn-ons they need to use. Yet women are not asked to provide any evidence that they understand what orgasm involves (either mentally or physically). Women who are shocked (or even disgusted) by any hint of eroticism are assumed to achieve orgasm just because they engage in intercourse.
Let us ponder Beyoncé’s anthem “Single Ladies” with its ass-slapping, butt-chugging choreography. It basically says that if men want to keep hitting it, tapping it, or otherwise jumpin’ on it, they had better put a ring on it. (Joan Sewell 2010)