Men are naturally more proactive as lovers than women are. Men stimulate a partner because they are aroused by touching, kissing and penetrating a lover’s body. Their sex drive focuses them on penetration and the act of thrusting until ejaculation. Women do not have the same benefit. Women have to make conscious effort to provide a lover with sexual pleasuring.
A dog runs after a ball not because dogs have evolved an interest in chasing balls but because the ball emulates the behaviour of the small mammals that dogs used to hunt for food. When we throw a ball for a dog, it acts as a stimulus that causes the dog to chase after it and perhaps retrieve it. In the wild the ball is a rabbit and the dog catches the rabbit to eat it. There is a parallel in sex because sexuality encompasses more than reproduction.
Sex play involves a woman throwing the equivalent of a ball for the man. Except, she is the ball! A man wants to emulate the conquest of catching a woman and forcing himself on her. The moans and facial expressions of the porn actresses are based on the resistance scenario. Yet men hope that their wives and girlfriends will provide the same turn-ons naturally. They don’t appreciate that the whole thing is an act from the female perspective.
When she is a virgin, a woman accepts the stimulation a man offers. A virgin lies inert during intercourse anticipating that something will happen as if by magic. When nothing happens, she can choose between remaining immobile or simulating some kind of enthusiasm. Both social and sexual interaction rely on the active interest of the participants. If a woman lies inert, a man loses confidence in his performance. He interprets her behaviour negatively, even though logically no one can ignore their natural responses. When a man is virgin and has intercourse with a sexually experienced woman, she can guide him. But she does not have her own sexual needs. Women have no natural response to consensual intercourse, which provides little sensation. But men seem to need a response from a partner. So an experienced woman moves her hips and makes some noise to help with male arousal. She does this because she loves a man and wants to help him achieve his sexual release. She responds because she thinks she should or because she is being paid to act out the part of the proactive lover.
Sex is trivial when a woman is in love but it becomes more onerous over time. Young women are more enthusiastic about sex because of the novelty, romance and ego. There is the hope that orgasm will eventually happen. Men make little effort to provide romantic lead-ins to sex once they have secured a partner. Men know instinctively that a woman’s love for a partner keeps her tied into a relationship. A man assumes his partner will provide regular sex even if he makes little effort to demonstrate any affection.
A woman may initially offer sexual pleasuring but her enthusiasm tends to dwindle over time because of the effort involved. A man likes to think that he has pleased a woman by investing in sexual pleasuring for her benefit. Unfortunately, given the sexual inertness of the female body and her lack of arousal, there is little a man can do that provides more than vague sensual pleasure. A woman feels no erotic arousal with a lover, so she can only respond to a partner’s initiative. She does this either mechanically (in the case of the prostitute or disenchanted lover) or more ideally because she enjoys demonstrating her love for a partner. Over time a woman becomes increasingly disinterested in intercourse but she provides it to keep the peace. She doesn’t feel loved, merely used. She stops including affectionate foreplay. Sex becomes just a means of satisfying a man’s basic sexual needs.
Men tend to look for signs that a woman is amenable because they get used to the fact that often she is not. A proactive woman may offer when she is in the mood just to get sex over with. Other women accept a man when he pushes hard enough. Over the longer term a woman equates intercourse with other chores like ironing or washing up. But while ironing, she can watch television. While washing up, she can chat. With sex, there is nothing to do but lie there and not look too bored because otherwise her partner will be offended. Women offer sex because they know that it is expected.
With all the fiction surrounding women’s sexuality, it is important to appreciate that female sexuality has not evolved solely for the purpose of gratifying male ego. Women can’t respond in certain ways simply because men would like them to (unless they fake of course). Female sexuality has evolved so as to maximise the chances of successful reproduction. Part of this success can be attributed to women’s ability to consciously behave in a way that pleases men. Specifically, women can provide erotic turn-ons that assist with male orgasm, which is the goal of reproduction and intercourse.
There’s nothing wrong with a woman faking orgasm if her partner expects her to. What a woman decides to tell her partner is up to her. A woman may be reassured by the belief that she experiences orgasms that reflect male fantasies. But it is vital that other women know that there are no facts or logic to support these fictional responses some women think they have.
I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be satisfied if we only had sex when I feel like it. I have had to learn it’s not all about me. Sometimes I wish it was, but it’s not. (Valerie Harris 2012)