Men are naturally more proactive as lovers than women are. Men stimulate a partner because they are aroused by touching, kissing and penetrating a lover’s body. Their sex drive focuses them on penetration and the act of thrusting until ejaculation. Women do not have the same benefit. Women have to make conscious effort to provide a lover with sexual pleasuring.
A dog runs after a ball not because dogs have evolved an interest in chasing balls but because the ball emulates the behaviour of the small mammals that dogs used to hunt for food. When we throw a ball for a dog, it acts as a stimulus that causes the dog to chase after it and perhaps retrieve it. In the wild the ball is a rabbit and the dog catches the rabbit to eat it. There is a parallel in sex because sexuality encompasses more than reproduction.
Sex play involves a woman throwing the equivalent of a ball for the man. It’s just; she is the ball! A man wants to emulate the conquest of catching a woman and forcing himself on her. The moans and facial expressions of the porn actresses are based on the resistance scenario. Yet men hope that their wives and girlfriends will provide the same turn-ons naturally. They don’t appreciate that the whole thing is an act from the female perspective.
A virgin lies inert during intercourse anticipating that something will happen as if by magic. When nothing happens, she can choose between continuing to be apathetic or simulating some kind of enthusiasm. Both social and sexual interaction rely on the active interest of the participants. The problem is that if a woman lies inert, her lover realises that his efforts are not arousing her. He loses confidence in his performance and concludes that because she does not appreciate his lovemaking, she cannot love him.
When she is a virgin, a woman has no idea what a man wants. She leaves him to make the moves. The man provides the stimulation and she merely accepts what he does to her. When a man is virgin and has intercourse with a sexually experienced woman, she can guide him. But she does not have her own sexual needs. She simply provides what she has learned men like.
Women have no natural response to consensual intercourse, which provides little sensation. But men seem to need a response from a partner. So an experienced woman moves her hips and makes some noise to help with male arousal. She does this because she loves a man and wants to help him achieve his sexual release, or she does it because she thinks she should or because she is being paid to act out the part of the proactive lover.
Although a woman may initially offer sexual pleasuring, her enthusiasm tends to dwindle over time because of the effort involved and the fact that she gets so little erotic payback. As she is unaroused with a lover, a woman can only respond to a partner’s initiative. She does this either mechanically (in the case of the prostitute or disenchanted sexual partner) or more ideally because she is motivated to demonstrate her love for a partner.
A responsive woman who has already experienced orgasm alone, is shocked when she first has intercourse. Intercourse is so totally different to masturbation. There is no mental arousal. During masturbation a woman’s mind is completely absorbed in the action of a fantasy. She has no awareness of the real world around her. She experiences arousal and orgasm in a very personal and private, surreal world. But sexual activity with a lover has none of this subconscious self-absorption. A woman’s mind is fully conscious all the time. Even the kind of activities that she might use in her fantasies are devoid of any erotic significance in the real world.
Sex is trivial when a woman is in love but it becomes more onerous over time. Young women are more enthusiastic about sex because of the novelty, romance and ego. There is the hope that orgasm will eventually happen. Men make little effort to provide romantic lead-ins to sex once they have secured a partner. A man assumes that a woman will continue to provide sex on an on-going basis once she has a relationship. He thinks he has won her, so he doesn’t need to invest in keeping her. Men know instinctively that a woman’s love for a partner keeps them tied into a relationship.
With all the fiction surrounding women’s sexuality, it is important to appreciate that female sexuality has not evolved solely for the purpose of gratifying male ego. Women can’t respond in certain ways simply because men would like them to (unless they fake of course). Female sexuality has evolved so as to maximise the chances of successful reproduction. Part of this success can be attributed to women’s ability to consciously behave in a way that pleases men. Specifically, women can provide erotic turn-ons that assist with male orgasm, which is the goal of reproduction and intercourse.
There’s nothing wrong with a woman faking orgasm if her partner expects her to. What a woman decides to tell her partner is up to her. A woman may be reassured by the belief that she experiences orgasms that reflect male fantasies. But it is vital that other women know that there are no facts or logic to support these fictional responses some women think they have.
I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be satisfied if we only had sex when I feel like it. I have had to learn it’s not all about me. Sometimes I wish it was, but it’s not. (Valerie Harris 2012)