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The sexual politics of women competing over men

Men evidently do not get the variety and type of activity they would like from their relationships with women. Otherwise men would not seek out prostitutes and extra-marital affairs as they do. The corollary is that women who are in relationships with men tend to get more sex than they want. This is the eternal dilemma of the heterosexual couple. Women offer sex in return for the emotional reassurance of a man’s willingness to support them.

Men compete with each other but they also collaborate. They often join forces to fight a common foe. Women compete with each other singly over men. Women do not collaborate because other women are a threat. Men have extra-marital affairs, maintain mistresses or visit prostitutes. Wives compete with these women who divert men’s earnings away from the family.

Some women like the attention they get from promoting themselves sexually. They are confident that no one will ever be able to assess their willingness to do more than flaunt their bodies and sexual egos. Men tend to assume that those women who talk about sex are equally enthusiastic about the real thing. Only a lover knows if a woman enjoys erotic fantasies, mutual sexual pleasuring and adventurous sex play. That kind of personal information is rarely available, so men make assumptions on what they see.

Women’s most prominent sexual behaviour is their desire to please men. Women boast about orgasm to impress others and to bolster their own or their lover’s ego. A woman makes money or feeds her vanity by being popular with men. She impresses less worldly women with her supposed expertise. She can change the political balance by suggesting that men are sex objects she uses for her own satisfaction. When a responsive woman enjoys orgasm alone, none of the above apply. Other women are threatened because her experience highlights that their orgasm claims are false.

Kinsey warned of sexually inert spinsters who were commonly found in the educational institutions of his time. He remarked that teenage boys have more orgasms than these women have in their whole lives. What he did not appreciate is that these women are not seeking male approval. Very few women are willing to be honest about their lack of sexual motivation. Millions of other women either actively support the male view of their sexuality or passively allow it to prevail. Most women want male approval.

Women are confident their orgasm claims will be accepted because of the sexual ignorance over sexuality. They suggest that a lover stimulates them vaginally and others clitorally. This reflects women’s sexual passivity. They don’t talk about their enjoyment of stimulating their lover’s body. Women never discuss erotic turn-ons in the appreciative way that men do. Women suggest that they are aroused by images from porn. If so, they would be aroused by the real thing too, such as male genitals and ejaculation.

There is no reliable source of sex information. Women rarely compare notes compare notes honestly over sex because of politics. So women never know what they can realistically expect from their sexual experiences. In addition, different women interpret their experiences in very different ways. The young and inexperienced often reflect the male view that sex is wonderful. Responsive women are devasted to find that sex does little for them. Many other women are disappointed that, despite all the hype, sex is just a male pleasure. But only the positive view is actively promoted.

Many woman enjoy displaying their bodies, knowing that men admire them. Even though men enjoy being aroused, they suffer considerable sexual frustration. This causes resentment between women because men expect their partners to provide the outlet men need to release their arousal. This is another reason why few women comment on sex. A dress code that is the same for everyone regardless of gender, would respect men’s sex drive.

Men are not interested in whether a woman is capable of orgasm per se. Men don’t care about the orgasms women enjoy alone. So men have not heralded the invention of vibrators with joy. Men specifically want a woman to respond to the stimulation that they provide. Men’s prime interest in female orgasm is as a means of making women more amenable to sexual activity with men. Foremost men want women to respond to intercourse. Men, who are interested in erotic turn-ons other than intercourse, also hope that a woman might be aroused by breast or clitoral stimulation.

Thus, we have two problems: First, the male version of sex drive is what women are unjustly measured by. Second, women are trying too hard to please men who need more realistic expectations of women’s sexuality. (Joan Sewell 2010)