A man is highly conscious of his penis. But a woman is not aware of her vagina. The vagina is only ever stimulated when a man thrusts into it. An activity that relies on male motivation does not equate to a woman having a sex drive. We can only have a sex drive to engage in activity that we can control. A person must be capable of acting on a drive and obtaining what they need to satisfy it. A woman cannot initiate intercourse because it relies on male arousal. A woman cannot force a man to stimulate her vaginally. She can only arouse a man so that he wants to have intercourse with her.
A sexual urge comes from our own bodies. Although women have the remains of a phallus, it is not capable of penetration. The clitoris is never erect. A man has a drive to ejaculate into a vagina. But a woman doesn’t have a drive for a man to ejaculate into her vagina. There is no physiological stimulus that motivates a woman to engage in sexual activity of any kind. A man admires a woman’s buttocks because of his desire for penetration. But a woman never experiences an urge that focuses on a man’s pelvic region.
Men’s inability to articulate their sexual needs contributes to the confusion over women’s sexuality. Women can claim to have a sex drive because men never explain what a sex drive feels like. Men also never explain the consequences of having a sex drive. So women have the impression a sex drive is simply a nice feeling. A drive involves both positive and negative emotions but it is also very difficult to ignore. This is the biological imperative. It is triggered by physical proximity or virtual images of an attractive potential partner. Negative feelings arise from sexual frustration when the urge to engage in penetrative sex cannot be satisfied immediately.
No one has a drive to be penetrated by a penis or any other object. For example, a mouth or anus cannot have a drive to be penetrated by a penis. Neither is there an attractive force emanating from a vagina that is directed towards a dildo or penis. The only attractive force is from the erect penis (the mind of an aroused man) towards a vagina as a repository for his semen. A man’s mental arousal causes increases blood-flow in the genitals. Once he has an erection, a man is typically motivated to penetrate another person.
Neither can we have a biological drive for someone else to do something to
us. If women had a drive to be penetrated by an erect penis, we would see them running around eager to impale themselves on the first erect penis they saw. Women don’t do this. Instead, they are inclined to run in the opposite direction if they see an erect penis. Intercourse with an unknown lover involves the risk of pregnancy and a lack of emotional pleasure.
The sensations of being penetrated do not cause orgasm. Neither does being the recipient of a man’s ejaculate equate to the pleasures of being a penetrator. Heterosexual men (unlike gay men) never have to reciprocate by offering to be a receiver. Gay men accept anal penetration in much the same way that a woman accepts vaginal penetration. There is a satisfaction in providing a lover with the pleasure of penetration as well as the emotional reward of feeling desired. Stimulation of the prostate gland can cause ejaculation but orgasm is achieved foremost by massaging the erectile organ.
Men experience a strong biological drive to engage in intercourse with a degree of urgency that cannot be ignored. This is why men pay for sex, why women are abducted and sold as sex slaves and why women are raped. The suggestion that the contraceptive pill increases women’s enthusiasm for sex is evidence that men and women are different. Men have a sex drive regardless of whether reliable contraception is available. The survival of the human race has depended on the persistency of male sex drive. The timidity of most young women is incompatible with having a sex drive.
Men engage in intercourse to release the sexual frustration that arises as a result of their regular arousal. It is unthinkable that a man would engage in sexual activity and walk away unsatisfied. His arousal ensures his orgasm. Women never reach a state where orgasm becomes inevitable (even alone). Women may be frustrated because of the unrealistic expectations that have been set for female orgasm with a lover. But women never experience an urgent need to obtain sexual release. They never suffer sexual frustration.
Research indicates that single women are not nearly as promiscuous as their male equivalents. The vast majority of men engage in sexual activity, even if only masturbation, on a regular basis from adolescence to old age. Many women live quite happily without being sexually stimulated for weeks, months and even years. Many men travel away from home for extensive periods even when they have families. They never give a thought to their partner’s sexual needs in their absence. Women’s needs are for affection and companionship, which they often obtain from others. Most women are happy to look after their children. But if the wider relationship with their partner has broken down (emotional intimacy has been lost) some women may look for another lover to obtain the emotional rewards of feeling loved.
When I hear sexperts on TV give advice about how to help women with their “dysfunctional sex drives” I get suspicious that we’re all feeding into the convenient male fantasy of the sexually voracious woman. (Joan Sewell 2010)