There are two distinct roles in penetrative sex: the penetrator is a man who penetrates (with an erect penis). Then there’s the person being penetrated (the receiver). The receiver can be either male or female. Homosexual men engage in anal intercourse. The vast majority of heterosexual activity is based on intercourse that ends with male ejaculation. Penetrative sex relies on the sex drive of the penetrator and the amenability of the receiver.
In other species of animals, mating only occurs when the female is on heat (in oestrus) because this is when she can be impregnated. Cows mount other cows. The cows that are mounted are in oestrus. The ones that do the mounting are not in oestrus. Oestrus causes females to be more docile and more amenable to being mounted. Women do not have oestrus. Their willingness to offer intercourse is a conscious behaviour. Specifically, women’s amenability to intercourse has nothing to do with responsiveness.
A woman’s willingness to offer sexual pleasuring depends on:
- Her personality and the extent of her personal generosity;
- The quality of the wider relationship or other rewards that she obtains from the relationship; and
- Her level of sexual knowledge such as being informed about the techniques described in erotic fiction.
Anyone who offers penetrative sex to a lover is not aiming for their own orgasm. They are offering that opportunity to a lover. The receiver enjoys giving pleasure, of being the object of a lover’s sex drive and the sensations of being penetrated (even though such sensations do not lead to orgasm).
The receiver of intercourse does not orgasm from the stimulation involved in penetration (of the vagina or the anus) by itself. The phallus (penis or clitoris) must always be stimulated for anyone to orgasm. If the penetrator uses a dildo, then the penetrator doesn’t experience orgasm either. Orgasm always involves a highly specific massaging of the sex organ together with a tensing of the pelvic muscles to thrust forward. Female arousal involves tumescence of the clitoral organ, which has nothing to do with intercourse.
Anyone who has an orifice (anus/vagina) can engage in penetrative sex as a receiver (of an erect penis). An orifice is always available by definition. Its availability has nothing to do with a person’s state of arousal. The vagina can typically be penetrated quite easily by an erect penis even if a woman is unwilling. The same is not true for a man as the penetrator. It is much more difficult (in practical terms it is impossible) to force a man into having intercourse against his will or when he is not erect. A man can usually easily subdue a woman if he wants to but it is rarely possible the other way around.
A woman can never experience intercourse as a man experiences it. Women have neither the pleasure of penetrating nor of ejaculating. The experience of being penetrated and receiving a man’s ejaculate does not equate to the male experience of penetrative sex. A man has a prostate gland that may cause orgasm when stimulated through anal intercourse. So even being a receiver of anal sex is a different experience for men and women.
Women accept vaginal intercourse partly because there is no physical sensation. Just as they prefer not to watch genital action, women also prefer to be oblivious to what is happening in their pelvic region. Women’s lack of responsiveness makes anal sex is a much less interesting prospect for a woman. The possible pleasure of the stimulation does not compensate a woman for the taboo and her concerns about hygiene. Other reasons for women to avoid anal intercourse include the need to communicate, for the man to use some sensitivity and for a woman to reconcile her natural instincts to reject the practical realities of engaging in taboo sexual activity.
Men’s responsiveness causes them to focus on exploring any stimulation that may be pleasurable with little regard for issues of personal hygiene. Homosexual men, being both givers and receivers of anal intercourse, are more likely to understand the need for a cautious approach. But also anal intercourse is expected between gay men and so needs little discussion. Even when heterosexual men engage in anal intercourse, they may prefer to ejaculate into the vagina. This is very natural given the male sex drive.
Women carry weapons in case they are attacked. Sexual assault is common and even men can be propositioned by gay men. But a man can usually hope to fight off an attack if necessary. Only a man could believe that women orgasm from sexual activity they try to avoid at all costs. Sexual harassment and rape are common, not only because of male sex drive, but also because women routinely reject sexual advances outside a relationship.
A woman is not aroused by a lover so her sexual amenability depends on emotional factors. A woman may be indifferent to or even revolted by the idea of physical intimacy with someone she feels no attraction to. Even kissing can be unpleasant if a woman feels no emotional connection.
If you are a man whose partner is less interested in sex than you, start paying attention to your friendship. Many women are wired this way—they can’t get turned on unless they feel close to you. (Michele Weiner-Davis 2010)