Men’s drive to penetrate inherently involves another person. But women do not have this hormonal drive that men have. So women have not evolved the ability to be aroused by a man’s body because their orgasm does not contribute to the reproductive process. There is no reason why female orgasm should occur during sexual activity with a lover. The circumstances in which women orgasm are much more limited than they are for men. But women are more self-sufficient than men because they do not need a lover.
For men, penetrative sex is more rewarding than masturbation alone. So it’s difficult for men to accept that the experience of a responsive woman is the reverse. Men assume that the act of penetration is core to becoming sexually aroused. They do not appreciate that intercourse is only arousing from the male perspective. Intercourse is a mating act that has a social context for a woman. It is not an erotic act. There is no taboo, suspense or sexual arousal.
A man’s arousal is evident from his erection. But his mind is also focused on eroticism. He can orgasm fairly easily just by applying the correct manual stimulation. When women stimulate themselves without mental arousal, they never achieve arousal or orgasm. Men may think this strange behaviour but men behave in a similar way despite knowing exactly how orgasm is achieved. Men stimulate a female lover in quite random ways and then assume that she must have had an orgasm. Women get used to engaging in sexual activity with a lover without ever being aroused or having an orgasm.
A woman must be single to discover orgasm. While she is a virgin, a woman can imagine what she might enjoy with a lover. Once a woman has a relationship with a man, his need for intercourse dominates. This is how our sexuality has evolved. Female orgasm is merely a private pleasure for a woman to enjoy alone. Sexual activity is intended to focus on male orgasm.
Any scientific account of female sexuality has to be able to explain why the clitoris was a secret for so long and why most women remain ignorant of its role. The clitoris was unheard of until it was publicised by Kinsey and Hite who were both ridiculed and ignored for focusing on the clitoris. If any form of clitoral stimulation (oral or manual) were to cause female orgasm with a lover, women would have no reason to accept intercourse with all its risks. Men’s high responsiveness and women’s low responsiveness both contribute to successful reproduction. Sex is an activity that is driven by men’s sex drive, which focuses them on obtaining intercourse, and women’s willingness to accept intercourse as an activity that focuses on upper body lovemaking. Given women’s lack of arousal with a lover, they lack any motivation to engage in activity that might focus on achieving their own orgasm. Hence, the only proactive role available to women involves facilitating male orgasm.
If clitoral stimulation (either manual or oral) provided easy orgasms with a lover, then it is inconceivable that heterosexual couples would not have discovered it by themselves. Women would have told men how their own orgasms are achieved. Alternatively, even if we think every woman in history has been too modest to discuss the details, men would have figured it out.
When a man reaches down between his legs, there’s something to grab onto. A woman has nothing. Well, maybe a blip. That’s all she has to work with. It’s amazing that she manages anything. A woman can only obtain the stimulation she needs for orgasm by lying on her front and pushing down over her vulva while clenching her buttocks. This position is incompatible with interacting with a lover. A male lover would never give her time she needs to orgasm because he is so strongly motivated to thrust to his own. A woman is not aroused with a lover, so she has no incentive to stimulate herself. The sociable nature of sex prevents a woman generating any arousal. With a lover, a woman has no chance of focusing on the fantasies she needs.
A woman cannot stimulate herself to orgasm with a lover because it is impossible for her to achieve arousal when someone else is present. This is how women’s sexual psychology works. A woman needs to be alone to experience orgasm, in an environment devoid of distractions. Women’s use of fantasy is like meditation. Rather than being fully conscious, a woman is almost in a semi-conscious dream state. This kind of mental block-out is incompatible with sexual activity with a lover. If a woman cannot come up with a suitable fantasy, she can stimulate her clitoris as much as she likes but nothing will happen. If she is interrupted, then the chance of orgasm is lost.
Women’s sexual fantasies involve taboo themes and engaging in surreal sexual activity with complete strangers. Real men represent a threat of potential pregnancy. Women’s fantasies provide a mechanism for women to turn men into sex objects that can be used for arousal. Women use fictitious men in their fantasies who can be depersonalised rather than being people. As soon as a woman imagines a man she knows, the realities of how she sees him as a social (rather than an erotic) person take priority. The men in women’s erotic fantasies are not men they have ever met or who they are in a relationship with. These fantasy men represent male sex drive or an erect penis that is part of a penetrative sex scenario. Women’s sexual psychology does not involve visualising real-life opportunities for vaginal intercourse. A responsive woman instinctively uses fantasy to put herself psychologically in the position of the penetrating male. This virtual role is incompatible with the reality of sexual scenarios where she is naturally a receiver of intercourse.
Another important reason why women fake their orgasm is the fear of upsetting their partner. Many men anxiously insist that the woman must have satisfaction. (Rachel Swift)
Excerpt from Learn About Sexuality (ISBN 978-0956-894748)