HomeSocial aspects of sexualityThe sex industryWomen are not respected for being promiscuous

Women are not respected for being promiscuous

A polite way of expressing some men’s enjoyment of promiscuity is to say that they like the ladies. There is no equivalent expression to describe a woman who is promiscuous. The term lady is used as a form of respect that is needed because of the disrespect men often display towards women.

A man defends his honour by fighting and beating an opponent. A woman defends her honour by fighting off unwanted suitors and saving her virginity for a mate of her own choosing. One of the greatest insults a man can use against another man is to assert that his mother is sexually promiscuous.

Women have two key reasons for engaging in intercourse. Some women have sex solely for personal gain without any emotional attachment. They have sex for money or personal ego. The second motivation is, of course, romantic love leading to a relationship. Women do not have sex for sexual release or erotic pleasure otherwise they would pay for sex as men do.

Some women think it’s cool to emulate male bravado by suggesting that they use men for sex. Of course, women use men for sex! But women are motivated by ego, by money and by love. Women use men to earn money or for some other social advantage, such as career advancement or marriage. They are not motivated by orgasm or even by sexual pleasure. In this sense women are not sexually motivated. Female promiscuity has nothing to do with a woman’s responsiveness. A woman cannot use a man’s body to enjoy arousal and sexual release in the way that a man can use a woman’s body.

Most women are not willing to offer intercourse to a stranger. They need to feel an emotional connection before offering sex. Various factors, including personality, mean that some women are promiscuous at least initially. Many people don’t expect much and are less considered about what they do. Many women have low self-esteem and see sex as an easy way to obtain admiration. Some women cannot stand up to someone with a stronger will or personality. Young women are unassertive. They give in to men’s persistent and flattering sexual advances only to find that they are then disrespected by everyone.

Some women enjoy casual sex and are happy to have superficial sexual contacts just for the fun and for the ego. They enjoy being chatted-up or having a romantic dinner. Sex is a small price to pay. They have sex when they choose to. They can go for weeks without sex and no one notices. A wife does not have this luxury. Women who are in relationships with men, have sex with a much greater frequency and regularity than women who engage in casual sex. This is one of the injustices women face. Women who are promiscuous are considered more sexual than women who are faithful.

It has become fashionable to imply that everyone should engage in sexual activity at every opportunity. Some people are naturally more selective than others. We need to choose sexual opportunities that feel right to us personally. Certainly no one should feel coerced by others. The quality of a sexual experience depends on emotional criteria that cannot be guaranteed. Some people are much more sensitive than others. Those who go for quantity over quality often lack self-esteem and see promiscuity as a means of promoting their own personal popularity. They are simply keeping score.

Not every man (particularly if he is married) welcomes an approach from an attractive woman. Women do not typically approach men they don’t know. So a man suspects that her motives might be sexual. He may feel pressured by his own assumption that a sexual performance is expected of him. If she can do without the usual need for an emotional connection, any woman can regard sex as trivial. A woman’s role is not onerous. Sex will always be trivial to some women who are naturally resented by other women. Logically, given men themselves are tempted by promiscuity, one might expect men to look favourably on promiscuous women. Promiscuity is potentially a sign of sexual motivation. But men don’t like women to be too easy to get into bed.

A man wants a woman to be motivated to offer him intercourse but not other men. Yet anyone with a sex drive wants sex with any attractive partner. Men create this contradiction over women’s sexual amenability. They don’t respect a woman who spreads her legs and offers sex too easily. Yet at the same time they are frustrated when they don’t get the sex they want. A man cannot understand why a woman does not want sex when her role is so trivial compared to his own. Men often prefer to marry virgins or modest women who are unlikely to be sexually promiscuous or adventurous because they want to know that they have sole rights to her body as a sexual asset. Over decades, women have sex with a man because they love him, which has nothing to do with orgasm. Men take advantage of a woman’s platonic love.

Decent men do exist but a woman has to give out the right signals. Men who are looking for casual sex tend to focus on women who are easy to get. But decent guys are willing to wait a little for sex. They value personality and intelligence as well as body parts. A man who is willing to invest in a relationship wants some reassurance that a woman will be sexually faithful. Intercourse provides men with the turn-on of penetration and the emotional reassurance of being accepted. But a man does not feel privileged to have his sexual advances accepted by a woman if she gives her body to any man.

Many a male, particularly in certain social levels and in certain parts of the United States, is prone to seek coitus from every available girl, while insisting that the girl he marries should be virgin when he first has coitus with her. It is the male, rather than the female, who imposes this incongruity on the social code. (Alfred Kinsey)

Excerpt from Learn About Sexuality (ISBN 978-0956-894748)