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Sex is an emotional bonding mechanism for men

For men, sex is like a magic pill that makes the world seem more positive. Some men look to women as a distraction from everyday life. Sex represents an escape from the real world into fantasy. Sex can also be a form of male entertainment. Sex does not fulfil the same function for women. A man commits to a relationship with a woman who offers him more regular sex than he can get elsewhere. If women offered sex readily to any passing male, then men would have no reason to settle for one woman. Sex is the bonding mechanism that makes relationships possible. Men need to be incentivised because of the temptations of promiscuity. Women are motivated by the emotional rewards of family life, including affectionate companionship.

Once a man has found a woman who offers him regular intercourse, he may be motivated to legalise the arrangement. Not all men want to limit their sexual options. For some men, the excitement of the chase and the novelty of a new partner, make the hard work worthwhile. But a man needs a regular sexual outlet and this is obtained most easily by engaging in a relationship with one woman. Although sexual release is a physical need, men also often have a need to feel loved and appreciated. Of course for some men, marriage does not stop them looking for sexual opportunities elsewhere.

Men clearly want more than orgasm from sex, otherwise they would masturbate and be done. Men are not motivated by orgasm itself, which ends their enjoyment of engaging in intercourse. They enjoy the erotic rewards of thrusting into a lover’s body. Men obtain an optimal release from penetrating and ejaculating into another person’s body. Men do not have the same emotional reassurance women have of being needed. Once a man chooses a mate, he feels emotionally fulfilled because of the promise of regular sex given his acceptance as her lover. He considers his love for her to be special because it involves his admiration of her body in return for his enjoyment of his own sexual arousal and thrusting, followed by his ejaculation and orgasm.

Orgasm does not encapsulate all the erotic, sensual and emotional pleasures that men enjoy from sex. Yet orgasm is used to encapsulate all of women’s sexual pleasure. A man assumes that a woman is satisfied and that she appreciates his performance. Men hope a woman will confirm their prowess as a lover. Orgasm is used as a token of a female approval. A man wants to feel that a woman appreciates his desire to penetrate her body and that she enjoys a similar pleasure. Women offer sex because they know it’s expected.

Even if a woman’s behaviour is unenthusiastic, a man can still convince himself that she is enjoying some undefined aspect of the activity as long as her very evident disinterest is not openly acknowledged. Unless a woman puts on a performance, a man has no way of knowing that she has been pleased by his lovemaking. Men notice that women do not initiate sex and that they wait for intercourse to finish. Men complain about these female behaviours but they still insist that sex provides an equal pleasure in order to justify sex. Women do not show signs of obtaining sexual release or post-coital gratitude as men do. Men suspect that pleasure is all theirs because of these signs. So men are always asking how they can pleasure a woman.

Women don’t tend to worry about pleasing a man because men’s pleasure is usually very evident. Men’s satisfaction in ejaculating as well as their post-coital gratitude for a woman providing them relief from frustration provides plenty of proof of pleasure. A woman does not need reassurance from sex because she is reassured by a man’s admiration of her body. A man’s erection is a clear indication of his appreciation for a lover. A woman’s body does not provide such clear erotic feedback. A woman needs to provide explicitly erotic feedback during sex by her behaviour or by what she says.

For a woman, sex is a social activity. But for a man, intercourse represents the culmination of his arousal cycle that is commenced many times throughout the days or weeks and concluded only when he has intercourse. Intercourse is a male activity that men orchestrate. A man’s performance is vitally important to him and he doesn’t want to be judged by a woman. Men insist on the fantasy that women are aroused by a large penis or long intercourse because it increases the importance of their own role in the act.

If women want relationships with men, then they have to accept that satisfying a man’s need for intercourse is an integral part of that relationship. Women are initially drawn to men because they are flattered and feel emotional reassurance because of the protection they obtain when a man is interested in their welfare. A man is instinctively motivated to protect a lover as a source of regular intercourse. A man’s sexual admiration may result in a woman feeling reciprocal emotions (love) for him. She is emotionally attracted to having a companionable relationship with him. Over the longer-term, women’s desire for family also ties them into relationships with men.

If men just wanted intercourse, they could pay a prostitute. Some men see sex as a form of mutual exchange. A man wants a woman to be proactively engaged in the sexual activity that is so important to him. A man wants an engaged sexual partner. While a woman wants a man to be interested in her thoughts and concerns. A man who takes his camera on a date is like woman reading book during sex. A woman wants an engaged social partner. We don’t feel appreciated if our lover is not giving us their full attention when we are occupied with activities and communication that are dear to us.

To a husband, sex is about right up there on the list with eating and breathing. Can he survive without it? Yes, but it’s not fun at all. Sex is to the man, what talking/communication is to the woman. (Gerad Harris)

Excerpt from Learn About Sexuality (ISBN 978-0956-894748)