HomeIntellectual aspects of sexualityThe sexual mindHow we know women do not orgasm with a lover

How we know women do not orgasm with a lover

Neither women themselves nor their lovers ever comment on the obvious contradiction over assumptions about the female anatomy involved in orgasm. A woman is assumed to orgasm through intercourse (stimulation of the vagina) in a way that complements the male anatomy. The vagina complements the penis in reproductive terms. A woman is also assumed to orgasm through cunnilingus (stimulation of the clitoris) in a way that mirrors a man’s anatomy. The clitoris parallels the penis in terms of responsiveness.

So although men always stimulate the same anatomy (the penis) when heading for orgasm, it is assumed that a variety of anatomy can be involved in female orgasm. The implication is that different women achieve orgasm by stimulating different anatomy. Alternatively, the suggestion is that the same woman achieves orgasm on different occasions by stimulating different anatomy. The mechanism by which orgasm is achieved has to be the same for everyone regardless of sex or orientation. Orgasm involves massaging the blood-flow (resulting from mental arousal) within the erectile sex organ.

We assume that women orgasm because a man knows how to (or is willing to) stimulate her in the correct way. If women were aroused with a lover, they would behave proactively in order to obtain the stimulation they need for orgasm. Women are sexually proactive in pornography because porn actresses are directed to behave in a way that is attractive to men. Men cannot possibly know how to stimulate a woman if she doesn’t know herself. We orgasm because of the mental arousal that motivates us to supply (ourselves through masturbation) or obtain the appropriate stimulation (from a lover).

No one ever eulogises about male orgasm, not even men themselves. This is because orgasm ends men’s ability to engage in sexual activity and their ability to enjoy the sexual pleasure of the intense sensations of arousal. But when society learned of female orgasm, we did not use our knowledge of the male experience to define it. Instead female orgasm was defined according to the hope that women enjoy pleasure from being stimulated by a lover. Yet, for men, this stage in their arousal cycle equates to arousal rather than orgasm. The reason for this anomaly is that women never reach a point when they can no longer engage in sexual activity or be stimulated by a lover. This is, of course, for the very obvious reason that they do not orgasm with a lover.

The research that identified female orgasm (Kinsey) clearly linked it with clitoral stimulation and female masturbation. This was why female orgasm was not identified by heterosexual couples (or even lesbian couples for that matter). Kinsey’s research was unpopular for many reasons. His research highlighted the clitoris (which was obviously considered to be a dead end), which heterosexuals have long showed little interest in. Some men, who enjoy foreplay as a means of extending their own arousal, invest in cunnilingus in the hope of pleasuring a woman. But few women have any use for the clitoris. Even a responsive woman cannot orgasm with a lover.

If female orgasm was common, we would not need so-called orgasm experts to tell us about it. There are no male orgasm experts. Male orgasm occurs reliably. It is not a female fantasy or a turn-on. The words arousal and orgasm refer to women’s experience. No one discusses these phenomena for men. If female orgasm were as reliable as male, there would be a similar lack of interest in it. Men’s fascination with the idea of female orgasm encourages some women to talk about orgasm with a lover in line with male fantasies. The word ‘orgasm’ is taboo because of the association with pornography. When orgasm is mentioned men laugh nervously and women say nothing.

No one asks women before they embark on a professional qualification in sexology whether they know what an orgasm is. It is simply assumed that every adult experiences orgasm naturally. Expectations for equality mean that women vehemently defend their orgasm claims when in truth they have no idea what orgasm involves. It would be easy enough to show that these women have no idea what an erotic response involves. But no one ever asks them to provide explicit details. This is partly because of the embarrassment over sex (particularly in the case of women). It is also because men are happy to accept any and every account of female orgasm no matter how unrealistic.

We know that women do not orgasm with a lover because of the enormous political and emotional pressure that is brought to bear to insist they do. Only men talk of sexual pleasure. Most women refuse to comment on the topic. The few women who comment, provide no evidence of enjoying sexual pleasure. Women list various possible body parts as the source of their orgasms and typically cite porn as their means of arousal. Women who say sex is wonderful are probably not even having sex. It’s just a mantra that means nothing. They have no idea that arousal involves a mental response. Likewise, the idea of erotic turn-ons is incomprehensible to most women.

The other issue is responsiveness. It is implied that a woman can orgasm whenever she chooses but certainly every time a man does. This is highly unlikely. Even a man cannot time his orgasm exactly to match a lover. Gay men may orgasm in close succession because they are aroused. Women are much less responsive than men and not aroused by real-world erotic stimuli. We know this because no one can name any female erotic turn-ons. If women were aroused with a lover, they and their lovers would know what psychological stimuli, of an erotic nature, cause female arousal and orgasm.

The female’s failure to respond to orgasm in her sexual relationships is, nonetheless, one of the most frequent sources of dissatisfaction in marriage. (Alfred Kinsey)

Excerpt from Learn About Sexuality (ISBN 978-0956-894748)