Home Intellectual aspects of sexuality The sexual mind How we know women do not orgasm with a lover

How we know women do not orgasm with a lover

We assume that women orgasm because a man knows how to (or is willing to) stimulate her in the correct way. If women were aroused with a lover, they would behave proactively in order to obtain the stimulation they need for orgasm. We only see this behaviour in pornography because it is a male turn-on that women (and porn actresses) consciously engage in. Men cannot possibly know how to stimulate a woman if she doesn’t know herself. We orgasm because of the mental arousal that motivates us to supply (ourselves through masturbation) or obtain (from a lover) the appropriate stimulation.

The research that identified female orgasm (Kinsey) clearly linked it with clitoral stimulation and female masturbation. This was why female orgasm was not identified by heterosexual couples (or lesbian ones for that matter). Kinsey’s research was unpopular for many reasons. His research highlighted the clitoris (which was obviously considered to be a dead end) but this anatomy continued to be overlooked by heterosexuals. Even a responsive woman cannot orgasm with a lover. Some men, who enjoy foreplay as a means of extending their own arousal, invest in cunnilingus in the hope of pleasuring a woman. Few women have any use for the clitoris.

The words arousal and orgasm both refer to the female experience. No one discusses these phenomena for men. If female orgasm were as reliable there would be a similar lack of interest in it. When orgasm is mentioned men laugh nervously and women say nothing. Men’s fascination with the idea of female orgasm encourages some women to provide accounts of orgasm with a lover in line with male fantasies. The word orgasm is taboo because of the association with pornography. If female orgasm was common we would not need so-called orgasm experts to tell us about it. There are no male orgasm experts. Male orgasm occurs reliably. Neither is it a female erotic turn-on.

No one asks women before they embark on a professional qualification in sexology whether they know what an orgasm is. It is simply assumed that every adult experiences orgasm naturally. Expectations for equality mean that women vehemently claim to orgasm when in truth they have no idea what orgasm involves. It would be easy enough to show that these women have no idea what an erotic response involves. But no one ever asks them to provide explicit details. This is partly because of the embarrassment over sex (particularly in the case of women). It is also because men are happy to accept any and every account of female orgasm no matter how unrealistic. We know that women do not orgasm with a lover because of the enormous political and emotional pressure that is brought to bear to insist they do.

Only men talk of sexual pleasure. Most women refuse to comment on the topic. The few women who comment providing no evidence of enjoying sexual pleasure. Women list various possible body parts as the source of their orgasms and typically cite porn as their means of arousal. Women who say sex is wonderful are probably not even having sex. It’s just a mantra that means nothing. They have no idea that arousal involves a mental response.
The other issue is responsiveness. It is implied that a woman can orgasm whenever she chooses but certainly every time a man does. This is highly unlikely. Even a man cannot time his orgasm exactly to match a lover. Gay men may orgasm in close succession because they are aroused. Women are much less responsive than men and not aroused by real-world erotic stimuli.

Some women claim to orgasm by stimulating the clitoris (they mean the glans) by hand or with a vibrator either before or during intercourse. A key question is why a woman would want to masturbate during intercourse. Why would she not masturbate alone without the distraction of a lover who is likely to interrupt? Research indicates that men only last an average of 2 minutes before ejaculating. So a woman would be under considerable time pressure. This activity is neither loving nor sociable and it is difficult to imagine couples engaging in what amounts to parallel masturbation. It’s tempting to think that a woman might want to share her orgasm with a lover but this is just because we accept women’s role of providing male turn-ons.
Neither women themselves nor their lovers ever comment on the obvious contradiction over assumptions about the female anatomy involved in orgasm.

A woman is assumed to orgasm through intercourse (stimulation of the vagina) in a way that complements the male anatomy. The vagina complements the penis in reproductive terms. A woman is also assumed to orgasm through cunnilingus (stimulation of the clitoris) in a way that mirrors a man’s anatomy. The clitoris parallels the penis in terms of responsiveness.

So although men always stimulate the same anatomy (the penis) when heading for orgasm, it is assumed that a variety of anatomy can be involved in female orgasm. The implication is that different women achieve orgasm by stimulating different anatomy. Alternatively, the suggestion is that the same woman achieves orgasm on different occasions by stimulating different anatomy. The mechanism by which orgasm is achieved must be the same for everyone regardless of sex or orientation. Orgasm involves massaging the blood-flow (resulting from mental arousal) within the phallus.

The male, with his higher level of sexual responsiveness, is the one who is more often interested in making oral contacts, and it is the wife who is more often offended. (Alfred Kinsey 1948)