Nature never intended men to be monogamous. In every society, men’s greater inclination for promiscuity is accepted as a natural and defining characteristic of male sexuality. A woman offers sex to a man because she knows that if she doesn’t, he will go looking for another woman. So women’s need for male support, has contributed to the high sex drive many men have today. Men are attracted to women regardless of anyone’s relationship status. Most men try to be faithful while in a relationship because they appreciate that sexual loyalty is important to women’s emotional need to feel loved.
One of the main justifications men have for insisting on regular sex with their wives, is their greater earning power. Many women who have children, feel obliged to keep a man happy while he is paying the bills. This explains why men do not encourage women in the workplace. Women’s greater economic independence is not in men’s interests. This is evidence that men know they are asking for something that women don’t always want to give.
To a woman, an erect penis is a demand for attention. She is expected to provide the sexual outlet a man needs. She may do this in return for a loving relationship. Women ensure that male genitals are censored (banned by law). On social media women also object to so-called dick-pics sent by men who like to send random women photos of their penis. These images are easy for a man to send to any woman via a mobile phone. Women react to such images with anger and disgust. This reaction appears to have no effect on men’s desire to keep sending them. Women call this behaviour sexual harassment unless they have accepted it as part of a committed relationship.
Sexual harassment laws are necessary because of men’s insensitivity to the female perspective. A man wants to share his erection and his orgasm with a lover because of his sex drive. Men assume that women take the same joy in their erection as they do. But our experience of arousal and orgasm are personal to us. Women do not experience men’s sexual urges and pleasure. A woman is expected to be amenable to intercourse with frequencies related to her partner’s sex drive. Yet a woman does not experience arousal on a daily basis. Even a responsive woman only experiences arousal sporadically.
A woman may feel some emotional anticipation on approaching new romantic situations. She can enjoy thinking about the companionable time with her lover. She can anticipate being the object of her lover’s desire to penetrate her. A woman’s vanity responds to a man’s interest in knowing her personally. She appreciates his desire to caress her body. She feels pleasure in demonstrating her affection to him and having her affection reciprocated.
Initially a woman approaches sex through romance. She responds to a lover who demonstrates loving behaviours. But over time, a man stops providing these stimuli. Once a man has been accepted by a woman, he relies on her being more amenable than other women. Otherwise he would just go elsewhere. Instinctively a man knows that when a woman is emotionally attached to him, she is more likely to be amenable to sex than any random woman. Marital sex tends to fall into habitual sexual activity that lacks any romantic lead-in. Sex becomes much more functional based on a man’s need for regular intercourse. This creates a stark contrast for a woman. She may feel pressured to respond on an erotic level that she doesn’t experience in real life. A woman has great difficulty transporting herself from the social world in which she lives and imagining herself in the erotic world of men.
A woman offers a man sex in the hope of being loved. She withholds sex when she is angry, partly to punish him, but also because offering sex to an offensive lover is abhorrent to a woman when she is angry. Men never behave like this because, for men, sex is a commodity or biological need to relieve sexual tension. At a certain level, sex is just functional for men, like urinating. For women, sex is much more dependent on emotional factors.
If a man isn’t getting the sex he wants, he has to change the balance of power. A man should back off for a while (for a month or two) and give his partner time to miss his interest in her. He needs to stop hassling for sex. He should wait until she wants him to notice her. He should focus on providing the companionship she values, by investing in activities they can enjoy together. A couple should ban intercourse and focus on other forms of sensual pleasuring. Intercourse is good for two things: making babies and facilitating male orgasm. Intercourse should be used towards the end of lovemaking.
Men often behave badly in their relationships with women. But when a man is asked to change his behaviour, a man thinks a woman is being unreasonable. For a woman, any relationship with a man is a huge investment. She is not looking for turn-ons or sexual amenability. She is looking for a companion she can feel proud of in a social sense. She has to teach him how to be considerate. She has to work on his presentation style.
Men appreciate attractive women but it rarely occurs to them that a woman might also want an attractive lover, both in looks and amenability. Men’s top sexual concern is their erection. But a woman approaches sex, aware of her whole body. She feels on show to some degree because she knows that her ability to arouse her lover is vital to intercourse. If she feels out of shape, she may be less sexually willing. A man needs to make a woman feel attractive.
To be fair women are also guilty because she does not feel confident or comfortable to say to her partner, “Hey, sex needs to be about what I want. And tonight it’s going to be an all-about-me-night; which means a full body massage and no intercourse. Next time we’ll focus on your fun.” (Trina Read)
Excerpt from Learn About Sexuality (ISBN 978-0956-894748)