While men assume that sex is key to adult relationships, women tend to focus on affectionate companionship. Unless she is trading sex for money, most women need some lead into sex. It is not just a question of attraction. Women need to feel safe so that they can trust a man enough to be intimate. This is because there are some very dangerous men who prey on women.
Men judge women primarily on their attractiveness and amenability to intercourse. Women have to be much more careful about assessing a partner’s character. Some men will attack, rape and even kill a woman. Men don’t have this contradiction in their dealings with women. In order to survive, women must be more socially mature than men. Women must also be less sexually driven. They cannot base their relationships with the opposite sex purely on sexual criteria as men can. Most women take longer than men to choose a lover because they hope for more than good looks.
A man’s interest in a woman arises primarily from his sex drive, at least in the first instance. Young women may assume that male admiration is evidence of a man’s eternal love. This is not always true. A more astute or experienced woman may delay showing her approval to find out if a man’s intentions are for the longer term. Men seem to value sex more if they have to work for it. Sex that is obtained with difficulty feels like more of a conquest to a man than if a woman just lays herself out before him.
Men stress about what they can do or say to impress a woman to get her into bed. So they are frustrated when a date does not result in sex. An experienced woman knows that any relationship with a man involves an on-going commitment to offer regular sex. So although it’s only one time, it’s usually the first time out of many. A man more or less assumes that the arrangement is on-going. This makes the first time a much bigger decision.
A woman’s sexual role focuses on what happens before intercourse. She needs to attract a man and arouse him sufficiently so that he wants to have intercourse with her. Some men like to admire their lover’s beauty. Men get used to the admiration being one way. A woman accepts male compliments but she feels no obligation to return them. She does not obtain the same pleasure from observing a man’s beauty or his sexual attributes. She is looking for the attention and caring behaviours she hopes he will display as a result of his sexual devotion to her. She accepts compliments silently. She is not gushing with gratitude because she knows that a man enjoys the arousal he obtains from her body. She reserves her gratitude for the times when she wants something from him. The test of a man’s devotion is his amenability to providing the things she wants from the relationship.
Most women need to feel an emotional connection before sex feels appropriate. This emotional connection arises when a woman is attracted to a man who she can see is motivated to care for her. Women do not experience arousal as men do. They have a different mechanism that generates a sense of intimacy. Women are attracted to men who take an interest in them. This is not a conscious trade. It is a subconscious response to feeling admired, which reassures a woman that a man will protect her.
Women indicate their amenability by accepting male advances and by not contradicting male fantasies. A woman is not amenable to intercourse on first meeting a man. Her amenability grows as she gains confidence that a man’s devotion may last beyond a one-off opportunity for intercourse. A woman likes having a man’s attention. A woman expects a man to show her the same respect he shows his boss. She hopes that he will want to impress her as much as he wants to impress his colleagues. She hopes that he will be as motivated to spend time with her as he does with his male friends.
Without sex, there may be friendship between adults but there is little physical intimacy. Heterosexual women are dependent on men to provide this sense of connection with another adult. Platonic love is caring and affectionate. Sexual love (or reciprocating sexual love) can be more intensely emotional in the beginning. Women experience this emotional reward initially from a man’s obvious but unspoken post-coital gratitude.
The secret of male courage is to act and not think too much, otherwise doubt and fear set in. It doesn’t help men be good defenders, if they are always empathising with the enemy. However this instinct doesn’t help men when it comes to relationships with women. A woman wants to understand a man’s motivations, his values and morals. This is self-defence. A woman wants a lover who is loving, interesting and has a sense of humour. Throughout a relationship a woman needs a man to communicate his motivations so that she can trust that he doesn’t take advantage of her love.
Women worldwide enjoy the emotions they feel from reading romantic stories. These focus on the period of time before a man and a woman become a committed couple. A woman enjoys the experience of having a man demonstrate his admiration and his devotion. These feelings are much more intense than those a child feels for a parent. But they are not as strong (in the sense of urgency rather than long-lasting) as a man’s genital urges.
So what turns her on? … A man who makes her feel ‘safe’ and treats her like she is a vital part of his very existence, and not just a favourite sperm dumpsite. (Yangki Akiteng 2015)