Imagine a woman who is more like a man. She approaches sex already aroused and she is turned-on by stimulating a lover. She caresses and kisses her lover’s body from head to toe. She homes in on his penis and gives him fantastic oral sex. Where would the human race be now if women behaved like this? Most men would ejaculate before they ever got to intercourse.
Given their lack of arousal, women have no sexual agenda of their own on approaching sexual activity with a lover. Whatever stimulation the man provides, a woman has little interest in knowing the explicit details. A woman closes her eyes and lets a man explore her body to the extent she feels is proper. Women simply accept or reject the stimulation men offer. Passive acquiescence is such an accepted female behaviour that no one ever questions why only men are proactive about offering sexual admiration and genital stimulation for a lover. Typically women do neither of these things.
Men’s sex drive provides a much greater motivation (in the short term) for initiating intimate interaction with others. Men accept failed attempts as a natural aspect of being male. But if a man doesn’t want sex with a woman, it is difficult for her to persuade him. A woman learns that if a man doesn’t find her sexually attractive then there is little point in her approaching him.
Initially a man may offer pleasuring other than intercourse but over time men focus increasingly on intercourse because women do not respond positively to other pleasuring. Women reject manual stimulation of the clitoris, which is too sensitive. Many women are disgusted by the idea of cunnilingus. Even if she does allow her lover to stimulate her clitoris with his tongue, a woman feels almost no sensation and little pleasure. Women’s lack of responsiveness ensures that sexual activity focuses on intercourse.
Men assume it is their role to provide a woman with the orgasm she cannot give herself. Yet this is fallacious thinking because orgasm occurs as a result of stimulating the tumescence caused by our own mental arousal. Men are proactive because they are aroused. If a woman was similarly aroused with a lover, she would be motivated to obtain her own stimulation. Women’s sexual passivity, which results from their lack of arousal, allows a man to assert his own sexual needs. Intercourse provides for male release and optimises reproduction but has nothing to do with achieving female orgasm.
We say that a man makes love to a woman. We do not say that a woman makes love to a man. Foremost, men’s acute arousal on approaching sex means that they are focused foremost on penile stimulation. Lovemaking implies non-genital activities such as love-talk, caressing, stroking, kissing and massaging of breasts, buttocks and other non-genital areas. Lovemaking is an activity that a man uses especially with an inexperienced woman or in the beginning of a relationship as a lead-in to intercourse. A man does not make love to a prostitute because her consent has already been agreed.
Women rarely dictate sexual activity with a man. Even prostitutes provide what a client asks for. Some women may initially explore a lover’s body to give pleasure. But over the longer term, women lack the motivation to be sexually proactive because they are not aroused. A woman naturally assumes a support role of accepting the pleasuring a man offers based on the arousal he enjoys from exploring her body. The easiest role for a woman is to cooperate with intercourse just as long as a man needs to ejaculate.
When heterosexual couples engage in intercourse, the man takes hold of his erect penis, locates the vaginal entrance and inserts his penis. Unless a woman is providing male turn-ons by showing sexual initiative, she does not generally touch her lover’s penis with her hands or take an active role in initiating the stimulation of intercourse. This is evidence that a man (rather than a woman) is motivated by the stimulation of intercourse. Even with anal sex, for both homosexual and heterosexual couples, the penetrating male tends to take control of the stimulation of his own sex organ. There is less motivation (due to the lesser pleasure) for the receiver of intercourse.
A woman is naturally in the position of something sexual (especially penetration) being done to her. A woman cannot penetrate or impregnate a lover. She can only be penetrated and impregnated by a man. In the early days, novelty means a man’s arousal is automatic so a woman can enjoy being the object of his desire without needing to contribute much. She can feel pampered rather than needing to act the concubine who is focused on assisting with male arousal. This also explains why rape fantasies are popular with women. It’s important here to distinguish between the reality of rape (a brutal act) and the fantasy of being taken by a man (an act of submission).
… the female is generally less responsive than the male erotically, and for that reason … less often takes the initiative in any sex play. (Alfred Kinsey 1948)