Anyone who masturbates needs to use fantasy for arousal. Turn-ons are erotic concepts or images that motivate us to engage in sexual activity. We enjoy the sensations of arousal that result from exploring our fantasies. Sex involves our enjoyment of mental arousal through an appreciation of eroticism (men tend to use graphic images and realistic physical scenarios while responsive women use surreal and unrealistic conceptual scenarios).
As we know from the male experience (a man needs an erection before he can orgasm), it is no use anyone stimulating an unaroused sex organ. If we are intent on achieving orgasm, we must first be aroused. Mental arousal is what makes stimulation effective. After the first time, we know from experience how we get turned-on. The trigger for orgasm arises in the brain. We have to shut out other concerns and distractions to focus on eroticism. The stimulation that causes orgasm, involves massaging the erectile organ.
Turn-ons are personal to the individual. Only the individual can determine what explicit aspects of sexual activity are arousing for them. Only we can generate the mental focus we need to achieve orgasm. This psychological arousal, when combined with massaging the blood-flow within the erectile organ (penis or clitoris), can result in a release sexual tension (orgasm).
A man is motivated to stimulate his penis from the start of sexual activity because he is already aroused. Having an erection is his motivation for engaging in sex. In order to ejaculate a man must focus his mind on specific (personal to him) and explicit (involving the genitals) aspects of eroticism. Men cannot achieve orgasm while holding a non-sexual conversation for example. Men also need penile stimulation to be continuous until orgasm.
A man knows what turns him on because male arousal occurs regularly. Men are aroused in similar ways regardless of orientation. For young men, arousal is biological or automatic. Men are aroused by real-world stimuli. Men are aroused by sexual opportunities, by nudity and specifically by genitals. Men’s minds are easily focused on erotic thoughts when engaging in sexual activity with a lover. Men seek foremost to be the penetrator. A man can be aroused simply by a partner’s amenability because he anticipates his own pleasure.
Male turn-ons are relative to the society we live in. Years ago when women covered their bodies, men were aroused by the sight of a woman’s ankle. Likewise, the actresses in pornography are not truly aroused or having an orgasm when they make all that noise. So men can be turn on by the noise because they interpret it as a sign of female amenability to being penetrated.
Men achieve orgasm through masturbation much more quickly than a woman does. This is because men are aroused at the start of any sexual activity. The clitoris does not respond to stimulation except in specific circumstances. A woman needs to know how to become mentally aroused enough to achieve orgasm. She needs an environment of absolute privacy so that she can achieve arousal by concentrating her mind on an erotic fantasy.
A woman is not aroused by real-world stimuli (such as male underwear or genitals). Given their much lower responsiveness, women have to work much harder than men do to achieve the mental arousal needed for orgasm. A woman does this when alone by using an intense focus on erotic fantasy. These fantasies are different to the romantic scenarios most women are talking about when referring to sexual fantasies. Even a responsive woman’s ability to respond to eroticism is buried deep within her subconscious. A woman has to generate arousal from zero, which takes time. A woman puts herself in the position of the male in penetrative sex, which involves immersing herself in a surreal fantasy. A woman needs considerable mental concentration to focus on the explicitly taboo aspects of sex that arouse her.
Some men (75%) have sex dreams that result in orgasm at some point in their lives. Women rarely have sex dreams but if they do such dreams are romantic scenarios based on the emotional aspects of lovemaking. Even for responsive women, their dreams are focused on vaginal intercourse with men they know. Specifically, these dreams do not focus on women’s erotic fantasies or even on the genital stimulation that they need to achieve orgasm.
The psychological environment of dreams is not intensely focused enough to cause female orgasm. Women cannot orgasm when asleep because female arousal (the kind that leads to orgasm) does not arise without considerably conscious effort. Female arousal is achieved by creating an intense mental focus on surreal scenarios that are chosen specifically for their ability to arouse the individual. Even when fully conscious, a woman has to push her way towards orgasm at every stage with studied concentration. At no point is female orgasm inevitable except once it is already happening.
Orgasm, when it is our objective, defines the end of the activity that was focused on achieving it. Stimulation stops for a variety of reasons. Firstly, the point of stimulation is to achieve orgasm. Job done. The sexual tension has been released. Secondly, orgasm coincides with the sense of release and the end of our ability to be aroused by a particular fantasy. The fantasy we have been playing out in our mind has reached its conclusion. Thirdly, our sex organ can no longer be aroused by the same stimulation, which may become uncomfortable if continued. The blood has flowed away from the genitals. We feel relaxed and sated. We know from experience that we have to wait for a period of time before our body will respond in the same way again.
The male is aroused because he has been conditioned by his previous experience, as most females have not. (Alfred Kinsey)