Men engage in sexual activity to release accumulated arousal through thrusting and orgasm. By contrast, even responsive women only generate the kind of arousal that leads to orgasm by consciously focusing on explicit erotic fantasies during masturbation alone. Women (regardless of orientation) are not consciously aroused (in their mind) with a lover and so cannot have a true orgasm. A heterosexual woman is obliged to engage in sexual activity in response to her partner’s initiative for years without any arousal or orgasm.
Sex with a new partner most usually begins with kissing. A woman can enjoy passionate kissing but, even as a lead into sex, kissing does not cause a woman’s mind to become aroused as it does for men. Men initiate kissing to indicate their desire for intercourse. In deep (or French) kissing one partner inserts their tongue into the other person’s mouth. Kissing varies depending on how open the mouth is, how long the kiss lasts and how much movement is involved. Some people dislike too much saliva flowing which tends to happen if kissing goes on for too long. Passion can also be communicated by the firmness of the contact and by combining hugging with a kiss. The most romantic kisses are gentle in the build-up and not too wet.
Young women can often find intercourse painful. A woman’s amenability to exploring sex play depends on the pleasure she enjoys without needing to put in too much effort. As she gains maturity and experience, a woman can enjoy the opportunity to explore sex play. This depends on whether a couple has invested in communicating over sex. As she ages, a woman’s mind may respond to the more subconscious turn-ons associated with sexual activity and her body may respond more readily to being stimulated by a lover.
Mature women may experience a kind of physical climax from stimulation of the entrance of the vagina (vaginal fisting) and through anal stimulation. Even when a woman knows that a lover can give her pleasure, she is not motivated by sex to the degree that men are. This pleasure is much more vital to her male lover than it is to the woman herself. She also appreciates that her emotional state affects her sexual willingness. She needs to be motivated to give to a lover, which depends on the state of their relationship.
Firstly, a woman needs to feel good about herself. Having sex does not cheer a woman up. If she is unhappy or if she feels stressed (or just out of shape!) she may not feel sexy, which means that she doesn’t feel desirable. She needs to be in the right frame of mind to be amenable to sexual pleasuring. Sadly, a woman’s state of mind is not necessarily something her partner can change.
Secondly a woman hopes to feel good about her lover and how other people view him. Heterosexual men often assume that it is only women who need to attract a lover. By dressing in an attractive and sexy way, a man can demonstrate his appreciation of the effort a woman makes to be attractive for him. He also needs to invest time in non-sexual intimacy, including spending time together on sociable activities such as talking, so that sex is not the only activity a couple shares. Sex feels most appropriate to a woman once a couple have spent some quality time together. A woman wants to see her partner demonstrate how much he cares about her as a person. The attention he pays her, motivates her to return the favour by pleasuring him.
Thirdly it helps if a woman feels tuned into eroticism This can be quite random. Sometimes a romantic movie might turn her on (make her more amenable to a love-making opportunity). A more reliable approach is to build in some sexual anticipation (such as planning a sex session). If a woman is amenable, she appreciates being flattered by her partner’s sexual interest in her. Some women enjoy watching pornographic movies with a lover (that have some story content) to help bring some variety to a couple’s sex life.
Female arousal is largely subconscious. Mature women may be aware of vaginal lubrication in anticipation of intercourse but they are not conscious of any mental arousal. There are no erotic stimuli with a lover that cause female arousal. Women use surreal fantasy when masturbating alone to access their subconscious arousal. Sadly, it is not possible (even for a responsive woman) to use this same intense focus on fantasy with a lover.
Men have a sub-conscious response that transports them instantly from a social situation to the erotic world. A woman needs time for her mind to tune into the sensations of being stimulated. Erotic build-up with a partner takes much longer than when using fantasy during masturbation alone. A woman’s mind has no conscious focus except the sensations of her partner stimulating her while she thinks about the consequences of his erection.
A woman may enjoy her lover admiring her body and talking about what he wants to do to her. A man can spend time preparing a woman’s body for sex. Shaving a woman’s pubic hair feels quite kinky and makes oral sex easier and more pleasant for the man. An enema can cause physical arousal (internal tumescence) so that even intercourse is more arousing than normal.
A woman may enjoy using a blindfold to focus on sensations and low-key bondage (tying hands or feet together or to the bed) to heighten the sense of being desired by a lover. Sex toys can be used to tease, bring in some anticipation (of the real thing!) and take the pressure off a man needing an erection. A man can enjoy arousing his lover while a woman enjoys being pampered. The woman should encourage a lover by reacting appreciatively!
Many men think long intercourse is the key to having orgasms during intercourse, but long intercourse is not helpful to women and some females may be grateful to get it over with quickly. (Vincenzo & Giulia Puppo)