The objective of a mating act is for the male to deposit his semen in the female’s vagina. From a reproductive perspective, the quicker the better. For highly responsive men, sexual thoughts are frequently on their mind. They are often aroused throughout the day. When they have an opportunity for sex with a partner their challenge is to slow down so that they don’t ejaculate spontaneously. Men are responsive. Women are not. So women can engage in any form of sexual activity with a lover almost indefinitely.
Men’s insecurities are that sex is very simple but they’re not sure what is expected of them. Surely all they have to do is what comes naturally? But all the discussion about female orgasm seems to imply that that is not good enough. So what else do they need to do to keep women happy in bed?
It’s ridiculous really but the implication is that they should learn special techniques to penetrate the vagina in a different way, either at a different angle or with a different rhythm, so that a woman will be able to orgasm. A man is also under pressure to last for ever, which is obviously impossible.
It’s not uncommon for a man to have a problem with erections from time to time. But erectile dysfunction (ED) that happens routinely is not normal and should be treated. ED is defined as difficulty getting or keeping an erection that’s firm enough for intercourse. ED is the most common sex problem that men report to a doctor. Only a quarter of men are impotent by the age of 70. A man still wants intercourse even when he is impotent.
ED can happen when testosterone levels fall, blood flow to the penis is limited or nerves are harmed. It can also be an early warning of a more serious illness like hardening or blocked arteries, heart disease, high blood pressure or diabetes. Men should avoid being overweight and aim for low cholesterol and low blood pressure. They should also do regular exercise, avoid excessive stress, alcohol and smoking. Anything a man can do to ease tension and feel emotionally stable is likely to help his sexual performance.
Some older men, who may be fit and healthy, have problems getting an erection. Erectile dysfunction becomes more common as men age. But it is not necessarily a normal part of aging. There are treatments, which include consulting a specialist who uses a vacuum pump or obtaining one of your own. The pump creates an artificial erection by causing blood to flow into the corpora cavernosa within the shaft of the penis. Another approach is to ask a lover to provide erotic turn-ons that may assist with male arousal.
If a man has ED, it may help to take the focus off his performance. By focusing on his partner, a man may increase his own arousal. Take a break and spend some time massaging, kissing and fingering her. Use penetrative sex towards the end of lovemaking. Make her feel appreciated.
Here are some ideas to think about:
- Is your lover open-minded? Do you discuss new approaches to sexual pleasuring? Try a change of venue or different positions.
- Try asking your partner what she would like. How much time do you invest in pleasuring her before having intercourse?
- Have you talked about bringing some variety to your sex life? Sex toys, porn movies etc. all help.
- What do you do to show that you appreciate your partner? Do you spend companionable time with your partner?
A woman doesn’t get aroused in the way that a man does. There’s no sense of frustration if nothing happens. So the pressure comes primarily from a man wanting to enjoy his own performance and perhaps have his lover’s appreciation. Any sense of inadequacy could be easily overcome if a man was willing to stimulate a woman orally or manually. But men are typically only interested in engaging in sexual activity when they have an erection.
Men often ask about penis size. They then go on to assert that they have a large penis. Men hope to pleasure a woman through intercourse. They want to know how they can make a woman more enthusiastic about intercourse. Men in long term relationships need to consider giving their partner a break from their constant sexual demands. A man should work on being attractive and amenable. He needs to treat his lover like a woman he would like to make love to – not just a place he thinks he has a right to ejaculate into.
If men just wanted sex then they could pay a prostitute. It would be much cheaper. Men seek out relationships with women to feel loved and appreciated. Prostitutes and one-night stands do not provide this emotional reward. Neither can a woman be forced to provide it. It arises naturally. Of course men think it should arise by them providing amazing sex. But if a man is constantly hassling his partner for sex, then clearly a woman does not want sex in the way men do. A man has to provide some of the things that a woman wants. He has to cause her to want him and to please him.
Premature ejaculation is the great male fear. The trouble is that coming too soon is a fact of life. (Antony Mason 1998)