Jane’s video: ‘Talking to women about sex and orgasm’.
The very first time I had sex I knew that something was up. I felt absolutely nothing. I just lay there wondering what was going on until my partner had finished. I concluded the whole thing was a hoax. But because of the ignorance in our society, the fabrication continued: the bravado of adults in everyday life, the compelling portrayals and accounts of orgasmic women. I continued to doubt the bravado but I didn’t have time to figure it all out.
I had been interested in eroticism since teenage years. I wanted to understand what was wrong so I could put it right. But the therapists I talked to were extremely vague. I was told I was supposed to enjoy sex. But no one had any explanations for why sex did nothing for me. I was embarrassed in the beginning because I assumed that I must be missing something very obvious. When I tried to find answers from sex manuals or therapists, I was advised that I should naturally respond to the physical and erotic stimuli of sexual activity just as men do. There was no one who ever hinted at an issue for women. Shere Hite provided the one and only reference to women having the same experience that I had had. Finally, when I had time, I decided to ask women I knew about these orgasms we are supposed to have. What motivated me was the huge discrepancy between my experience and the way women’s sexuality was promoted in society. Very few women were willing to comment at all. But their idea of orgasm had nothing to do with enjoying eroticism or fantasy. They talked of emotions and lovemaking.
No one ever dares to ask the women, who think orgasms are possible with a lover, to explain how they achieve them. Yet these claims cause millions of other women to conclude they are dysfunctional. Women insist on personal privacy as a way of ensuring they never need to provide convincing evidence that they understand what an orgasm is. They accuse men of being perverts for enjoying the details. Men are thus prevented from discovering that women have no idea what they are talking about. I have also been accused of being a pervert for asking for explicit explanations of how women achieve orgasm. Yet if they understood anything about female sexuality, they would know that women are not aroused by erotic details as men are.
It is not a perversion for men to enjoy their own arousal. Arousal is a natural sexual response that is a prerequisite for orgasm. A woman would understand this if she knew what orgasm involves. Women’s orgasm claims are not nearly explicit enough to cause anyone’s arousal. Men are just looking for emotional reassurance. Most men will support any woman who hints of having an erotic response with a lover. Yet most women are unwilling to talk about it. Men may believe that millions of women enjoy orgasmic pleasure. As a woman, I am not remotely convinced by the totally unrealistic accounts women give of the orgasms they think they are supposed to have. A woman who blogs about orgasm told me I had to pay her $25 an hour (plus expenses) just to have a casual conversation about orgasm. And I’m not looking for turn-ons, just honesty. I have been asking women about these orgasms for over 10 years now. Mostly there’s silence.
When I talked to so-called experts, they were confident in stating their textbook theories verbatim. But they were evidently uncomfortable when challenged because they could not provide any logical explanations to substantiate these theories. It’s easy for any woman to claim to orgasm but women’s behaviours are incompatible with enjoying sexual pleasure. Women refuse to answer, they are embarrassed or even angry that anyone would ask such personal questions. There are no research findings that indicate that women orgasm with a lover. The research indicates that female orgasm is associated with clitoral stimulation during solitary masturbatory activity. The belief that a woman should orgasm with a lover is simply an assumption. And it’s wrong! I have never had an orgasm with a lover but I have always worked with my partner to ensure that our sex life fulfilled his needs. I resent women who suggest that boasting about orgasm is all that is required or men who expect women to fake orgasm to satisfy their ego.
No one even recognises the truth. They imply that your experiences cannot be. That’s how I know other women never experience it. They are content with the fiction men tell them because they don’t know any different. But I don’t envy them. The experience of orgasm is unique and I am grateful that I have had the experience of responsiveness throughout my adult life. I back up my work with my own experiences for the benefit of women who are interested (and any men who can cope with such honesty). I can explain in explicit terms how I achieve orgasm as a result of specific erotic and physical stimuli. I can also provide logical reasons for why researchers are likely to draw the wrong conclusions if they try asking women about orgasm.
If women truly enjoyed sex, they would talk about it openly and unashamedly. They would not need to be persuaded. Women are silent to avoid conflict. Some are politically astute enough to say only what will benefit them. Many women feel threatened by unrealistic male expectations that they cannot possibly fulfil. Other women are either too frightened, ignorant, inexperienced or embarrassed to question. This embarrassment evidently suits those who make money out of our society’s sexual ignorance.
Males are much more inclined, and females are less inclined to discuss sexual matters with other persons. (Alfred Kinsey 1953)