Jane’s video: ‘Talking to women about sex and orgasm’.
The very first time I had sex I knew that something was up. I felt absolutely nothing. I just lay there wondering what was going on until my partner ejaculated. I concluded the whole thing was a hoax. But because of the ignorance in our society, the fabrication continued: the bravado of adults in everyday life, the compelling portrayals and accounts of orgasmic women. I continued to doubt the bravado but I didn’t have time to figure it all out.
I had been interested in sex since teenage years. I wanted to understand what was wrong so I could put it right. But the therapists I talked to were extremely vague. I was told I was supposed to enjoy sex. But no one had any explanations for why sex did nothing for me. Finally, when I had time, I decided to ask women I knew about these orgasms we are supposed to have. What motivated me was the huge discrepancy between my experience and the way women’s sexuality was promoted in society. Very few women were willing to comment. But their idea of orgasm had nothing to do with enjoying eroticism or fantasy. They talked of emotions and lovemaking.
I was embarrassed in the beginning because I assumed that I must be missing something very obvious. When I tried to find answers from sex manuals or therapists, I was advised that I should naturally respond to the physical and erotic stimuli of sexual activity just as men do. There was no one who ever hinted at an issue for women. Shere Hite provided the one and only reference to women having the same experience that I had had.
It’s easy for any woman to claim to orgasm but women’s behaviours are incompatible with enjoying sexual pleasure. If women truly enjoyed sex, they would talk about it openly and unashamedly. They would not need to be persuaded. Women refuse to answer, they are embarrassed or even angry that anyone would ask such personal questions. Many women feel threatened by unrealistic male expectations that they cannot possibly fulfil. Women are silent to avoid conflict. Some are politically astute enough to say only what will benefit them. Other women are either too frightened, ignorant, inexperienced or embarrassed to question. When I talked to so-called experts, they were confident in stating their textbook theories but they were uncomfortable with someone who was challenging such theories. I found no one, expert or otherwise, willing discuss sex openly. This embarrassment suits those who profit from our society’s sexual ignorance.
No one ever dares to ask the women, who think orgasms are possible with a lover, to explain how they achieve them. Yet these claims cause millions of other women to conclude they are dysfunctional. I have been accused of being a sexual pervert for asking a woman to explain how she achieves orgasm. Women use an insistence on personal privacy to protect themselves from providing any convincing evidence that they understand what an orgasm is. They think men are perverted for enjoying such things. Men are thereby prevented from discovering that women have no idea what they are talking about. The only transgression I am guilty of is challenging women’s assertions that cannot be supported by any kind of facts or logic.
It is not a perversion for men to enjoy their own arousal. Arousal is a natural sexual response that is a prerequisite for orgasm. A woman would understand this if she knew what orgasm involves. Women’s orgasm claims are not nearly explicit enough to cause anyone’s arousal. Men are just looking for emotional reassurance. Most men will support any woman who hints of having an erotic response with a lover. Men believe that millions of women enjoy orgasmic pleasure. Yet not one woman is willing to talk about it. As a woman, I am not remotely convinced by the totally unrealistic explanations women give for the orgasms they think they are supposed to have. A woman who blogs about orgasm told me I had to pay her $25 an hour (plus expenses) just to have a casual conversation about orgasm. And I’m not looking for turn-ons, just honesty. I have been asking women about these orgasms for over 10 years now. Most women are struck dumb.
There are no research findings that indicate that women orgasm with a lover. The research indicates that female orgasm is associated with clitoral stimulation during solitary masturbatory activity. The belief that a woman should orgasm with a lover is simply an assumption. And it’s wrong! I have never had an orgasm with a lover. Nevertheless I have always worked with my partner to ensure that our sex life fulfilled his needs. I resent women who suggest that boasting about orgasm is all that is required or men who expect women to fake orgasm to satisfy their own sexual ego. This is why no one believes a responsive woman’s experience. They imply that your experiences cannot be. It’s quite surreal. That’s how I know other women never experience it. They are content with the fiction men tell them because they don’t know any different. But I don’t envy them. The experience of orgasm is unique and I wouldn’t be without it. I am grateful that I have had the experience of responsiveness throughout my adult life. I back up my work with my own experiences for the benefit of women who are interested (and any men who can cope with such honesty). I can explain in explicit terms how I achieve orgasm as a result of specific erotic and physical stimuli. I can also provide logical reasons for why researchers are likely to draw the wrong conclusions if they try asking women about orgasm.
Males are much more inclined, and females are less inclined to discuss sexual matters with other persons. (Alfred Kinsey 1953)