The key characteristic of an individual who has a low frequency (or non-existent) erotic response to sexual activity (typically women) is that they are sexually passive with a lover. Women do not focus on obtaining the physical stimulation they need for orgasm because they do not experience sexual arousal with a lover (so stimulation is pointless). Neither are women motivated to explicitly stimulate a lover (except by offering intercourse) because they are not aroused by their lover’s body and sexual attributes.
The only proactive sexual role available to women is to assist with a lover’s arousal and orgasm. This behaviour is consciously motivated, rather than a response to eroticism. If a woman cares about a man, she may appreciate that his sexual release is critical to his emotional happiness. Women also provide turn-ons to reduce the time they have to invest in sexual activity. By co-operating with intercourse, a woman increases both the erotic and physical stimuli that help achieve the goal of male orgasm sooner.
When a woman provides fellatio or moves her hips during intercourse, a man may assume that her motivation for doing so is because she is aroused. In truth a woman does this to please her lover (or because she is paid). Alternatively, women can provide turn-ons such as faking their own arousal and orgasm. Women also wear attractive lingerie or engage in offering more explicit invitations. Some women (but by no means all) may allow a lover to stimulate them in various ways depending on what their lover finds arousing.
The sudden increase in responsiveness that boys experience during adolescences changes their attitude towards genitals and sexual activity. Teenage boys develop an interest in their own genitals because of the pleasure of their own arousal. They are also fascinated with the genitals of people they are attracted to and with opportunities for penetrative sex. Girls do not experience this increase sudden in responsiveness, so genitals and sexual activity remain relatively unappealing much as they are to children.
Women continue to think of genitals as smelly and dirty because they are associated with going to the toilet or their periods. The vagina is a moist orifice similar to the mouth. Before putting a penis in her mouth, a woman expects a man to wash it. If he puts his penis in her vagina, she has no interest in his hygiene. To women, the vagina is out of sight out of mind.
Unlike a boy who finds many examples of others of his sex who enjoy eroticism, a responsive woman is completely isolated in her sexual experiences. She finds no other women who appear to share her enjoyment of erotic fantasies and masturbation. It’s as if her experience doesn’t exist. Women appear to universally accept the male view of their sexuality. But a responsive woman knows that all the suggestions for how women are supposed to orgasm with a lover, do not work. If she is brave enough to ask, she is told that she should have these ideal experiences and that if she does not, there must be something wrong with her. And yet no can provide logical explanations, for why she should be different to every other woman.
When a responsive woman observes other women, she sees very little evidence for all this assumed female responsiveness. A responsive woman sees older women’s expressions of disgust and younger women’s silence. She sees the superficial innuendo and bravado that a few women use to intimidate others. But women’s behaviours, despite all the bragging about orgasm, do not provide evidence of any real sexual responsiveness. Women talk about love and relationships. They never refer to turn-ons. Women are often offended by eroticism and rarely comment on sexual pleasure. They prefer to talk about reproductive health, dating and relationship issues.
Women can be openly affectionate, touching and kissing friends of either sex without any sexual implications. It is much more difficult for men to engage in the same kind of innocent intimacy because men typically have sexual motivations when making physical contact with other people. Women connect emotionally to people for significant periods of time.
A woman’s top concern on having sex for the first time is not her own orgasm but that a man should care about her as a person. Young women may vaguely hope that a partner can magic up an orgasm for them. This is because of the fiction spread by men in the hope of encouraging women to engage in intercourse. Less responsive individuals may enjoy using their bodies to give pleasure. Women focus on sensual pleasures rather than genital stimulation techniques. They hope a lover will engage in the more romantic (loving, affectionate and companionable) aspects of relationships.
A woman hopes to spend significant amounts of time with a lover. In a new relationship, a woman feels good being with her lover. She enjoys the novelty of being admired through sex. When we care about another person, we have their interests at heart. We make effort for them and we consider their feelings. We feel valued when they give us what we need emotionally.
“He’s just using me for sex,” we whine self-righteously. And what are we using him for? A wedding ring? His sperm? (Valerie Harris 2012)