Unlike a boy who finds many examples of others of his sex who enjoy eroticism, a responsive woman is completely isolated in her sexual experiences. She finds no other women who appear to share her enjoyment of erotic fantasies and masturbation. It’s as if her experience doesn’t exist. Women appear to universally accept the male view of their sexuality. But a responsive woman knows that all the suggestions for how women are supposed to orgasm with a lover, do not work. If she is brave enough to ask other women, they react with anger and defensiveness. They are offended that anyone should challenge their text-book experiences, which they cannot explain explicitly. They cannot explain how they achieve mental arousal or the anatomy and kind of stimulation that they need for orgasm.
When a responsive woman observes other women, she sees very little evidence for all this presumed female responsiveness. Women universally ensure that sexual references are avoided in their presence by showing their displeasure in non-verbal ways. A responsive woman sees older women’s expressions of disgust and younger women’s silence. She sees the superficial innuendo and bravado that a few women use to intimidate others. Despite all the bragging about orgasm, women’s behaviours do not provide any evidence of sexual responsiveness. Women talk about love and relationships. They never refer to erotic turn-ons. Women tend to be offended by any form of eroticism and never comment on sexual pleasure. They only talk about reproductive health, dating and relationship issues.
The key characteristic of an individual who has a low frequency (or non-existent) erotic response to sexual activity (typically women) is that they are sexually passive with a lover. Women do not focus on obtaining the physical stimulation they need for orgasm because they do not experience sexual arousal with a lover (so stimulation is pointless). Neither are women motivated to stimulate a lover explicitly (manually or orally) because they are not erotically aroused by real-world triggers such as a lover’s genitals.
The sudden increase in responsiveness that boys experience during adolescences changes their attitude towards genitals and sexual activity. Teenage boys develop an interest in their own genitals because of the pleasure of their own arousal. They are also fascinated with the genitals of people they are attracted to and with opportunities for penetrative sex. Girls do not experience this increase sudden in responsiveness, so genitals and sexual activity remain relatively unappealing much as they are to children.
Women continue to think of genitals as smelly and dirty because they are associated with going to the toilet or their periods. The vagina is a moist orifice similar to the mouth. Before putting a penis in her mouth, a woman expects a man to wash it. If he puts his penis in her vagina, she has no interest in his hygiene. To women, the vagina is out of sight out of mind.
We assume that it is a man’s role to provide stimulation. This idea is based on the inherent assumption that women are already aroused (as men typically are on approaching a sexual opportunity). But there is no evidence of men providing any of the equivalent turn-ons that women provide. Nor is there any evidence that women are motivated to seek out turn-ons (as men do). This explains why no one can name even one female turn-on.
When a woman provides fellatio or moves her hips during intercourse, a man may assume that her motivation for doing so is because she is aroused. In truth a woman does this to please her lover (or because she is paid). Alternatively, women can provide turn-ons such as faking their own arousal and orgasm. Women also wear attractive lingerie or engage in offering more explicit invitations. Some women (but by no means all) may allow a lover to stimulate them in various ways depending on what their lover finds arousing.
Women talk of their desire to display their bodies as being part of their sexuality. They are correct that is part of female sexuality but it is a passive behaviour. It has nothing to do with women achieving their own arousal and orgasm. The active response comes from a man responding to what he sees. The behaviour initiates male arousal and consequently intercourse.
Young women hope that a man can give them an orgasm because of the fiction spread by men in the hope of getting women into bed. Some women may enjoy using their bodies to give pleasure. Women obtain more pleasure from sensual touching rather than genital stimulation techniques. They hope a lover will engage in the more romantic (loving, affectionate and companionable) aspects of relationships. A woman’s top concern on having sex for the first time is not her own orgasm but that a man should care about her as a person. When we care about another person, we have their interests at heart. We make effort for them and we consider their feelings.
We feel valued when they give us what we need emotionally.
Women can be openly affectionate, touching and kissing friends of either sex without any sexual implications. It is much more difficult for men to engage in the same kind of innocent intimacy because men typically have sexual motivations when making physical contact with other people. Women connect emotionally to people for significant periods of time.
“He’s just using me for sex,” we whine self-righteously. And what are we using him for? A wedding ring? His sperm? (Valerie Harris 2012)