As a boy grows into a man, he sees men bragging about their assumed success in providing a woman with amazing sexual pleasure. He sees men comparing notes on the sexual attributes they appreciate in a lover. He sees issues arising because of voyeurs, peeping Toms, men who assault and rape women. He can identify with these behaviours because of the urges he experiences. The evidence for male responsiveness is very clearly available in society. So a man does not feel isolated or alone in his sexual experiences.
A boy can observe how women behave very differently. He notices that his older female relatives (including his mother) may be outspoken about their dislike of eroticism. He sees his younger female relatives (also his sisters) being silent and modest about sex. He experiences women who object to the crudeness of male sexual urges. He can see women in the population who object to flashers, to men groping them, to men pressing their erections against them in the bus or subway. But confusingly he also sees images of women in more appealing situations (such as pornography) who are apparently just as enthusiastic as men are about sexual activity with a lover.
The precedent from Nature is clear. Male mammals are often solitary. They fight other males for breeding rights and they engage with females primarily to mate. The female has little choice in the matter. Men enjoy talking about turn-ons because doing so causes them to become aroused. Men enjoy the sensations of their own arousal. Men enjoy sharing fantasies with a partner or a potential partner. Women do not do this. Female arousal has always been a mystery. Rather than accept that women are not aroused, we are persuaded that women must be aroused by some inexplicable mechanism. Men do not boast about orgasm, which ends their sexual pleasure. Some men delay ejaculation with a lover for as long as possible in order to enjoy the sensations of intercourse. Others (especially younger men) approach sex more strongly focused on ejaculating to release accumulated sexual tension.
The male territorial instinct to mark out territory with glandular emissions motivates men to continue thrusting until ejaculation. Male mammals (much more than females) desire and offer oral stimulation of the genitals. A man’s sex drive motivates him to initiate intercourse, which (after the first time) is further positively reinforced by his experience of the pleasures of intercourse. Penetrative sex allows a man to obtain relief from sexual frustration, by releasing sexual tension. He can enjoy the physical gratification of thrusting and the ego of territorial conquest and dominance.
Heterosexual activity is driven by male arousal. Men’s needs are obvious and men focus on getting what they need. Men want regular sex and they don’t need a relationship to enjoy it. Men are aroused by a lover’s body and by sexual opportunities. A woman can easily provide male turn-ons, which revolve around a display of sexual anatomy (especially offering a partner penetration) and sexual invitations. Men usually orgasm easily with a lover.
The key characteristic of responsive individuals (men) is that they are highly motivated to stimulate their erectile sex organ (penis). Men are also easily aroused by opportunities to penetrate a body orifice. The anatomy involved in male orgasm is very evident not only because men have erections when aroused. Men are motivated to stimulate their penis regardless of the sexual activity that they are involved in. Intercourse, fellatio and male masturbation all focus on stimulating the penis. Men can also enjoy anal stimulation but this does not usually lead to orgasm without simultaneous penile stimulation.
Highly responsive individuals focus on their own arousal and orgasm. They do not engage in sexual behaviours that involve providing erotic turn-ons for a lover. A man’s interest in his penis comes from his regular sexual arousal. His interest in a lover’s genitals comes from his sex drive. A man’s instinct to initiate sexual activity with a lover, by displaying his erect penis, communicates his desire stimulate his penis by engaging in intercourse.
Some animals (notably birds) mate for life. But there is no evidence to indicate that men are naturally monogamous. In fact, all the evidence points the other way. Not all men are promiscuous but most men are tempted by promiscuity. Some men see sex as a simple pleasure rather than an activity to be limited to one person for life. For a man, intercourse with an attractive woman is not a misdemeanour. It is just Nature taking its natural course.
Women are not offended that gay men are not attracted to them. So why do men assume that lesbians hate men? Men are looking for a partner who is amenable to penetrative sex. They assume that any woman who doesn’t want intercourse must be frigid, a man hater or a lesbian. A man needs an erection (to be sexually aroused) to be willing to offer sex but he assumes his partner will always be amenable. Erotic fiction is based on the male view because women take little interest in eroticism. But men only support sources that show women apparently enjoying sex. Men want to believe that real women love sex too. They just ignore all the publicity over sexual abuse and rape.
Men appreciate the physical: their own body, the body of a lover and physical interaction with a lover. Men are not motivated to spend significant amounts of time with those they love. They prefer following their own pursuits. They may only think of a partner when they need a sexual outlet. If a man only ever touches or kisses a woman because he wants to initiate sexual activity, she may come to resent the transparency of this behaviour.
The idea of ‘no-strings attached’ sex is very attractive to most men, gay or straight. (George Michael)