When we look at the mating behaviours of other animals, we see the female role varying between submitting to an assault by the male to indifferent acceptance. The male mammal thrusts but the female is not expected to provide any stimulation or response. A woman has sex with a person because she loves them or for some non-sexual reward such as money or ego. A woman does not engage in sexual activity with a lover to experience her own orgasm. This she has to do for herself when masturbating alone.
A man approaches sexual activity with a focus on his penis because he is aroused. His sex drive gives him an urgent sense of wanting to resolve his arousal by thrusting until ejaculation. But a woman does not approach sex with her own agenda. She has the ability to focus on a man’s arousal because she is not herself aroused. When a woman loves a man she allows him to use her vagina for his own orgasm. She does not finger or explore her own vagina. She lets a man take care of all the genital contact. The man holds his own penis and finds her vagina entrance with his fingers or penis.
The core reason why women are so embarrassed about sex is that it is not an activity that they themselves are generally motivated to initiate. Women experience sex through responding to men’s desire for sexual activity. Women do not have their own motivations on approaching sex. Firstly, because they are not aroused and secondly because they are not aroused (to the point of orgasm) by a lover’s body or by sexual activity with a lover.
Humans instinctively conform to behaviours or attitudes that allow us to be accepted or that make us feel that we belong to a group. This is for our own survival. Women conform to what is expected of them much as anyone. Men survive by facing conflict and by fighting their opponents. Women are naturally more passive than men. Women have evolved a much more defensive strategy to survive as the ‘weaker sex’. But women’s cooperation with intercourse is much more constructive than mere ‘passivity’. It involves cooperation and mutual support. Such characteristics more often benefit women and their lives in having children than they do men who follow their own individual pursuits.
Sexual activity that is paid for is focused on male gratification and is self-evidently not for the benefit of the prostitute who is only consenting to have sex because she is being paid to do so. Men resent this situation because they feel that a woman should naturally appreciate intercourse as an erotic act (as men do) not as an emotional experience.
Women rarely dominate or dictate sexual activity with a man. Even prostitutes provide what a client asks for. Since a woman approaches sex completely unaroused, she waits for the man to lead the action. Her role naturally becomes a support role of responding or offering what the man wants. She does not have a list of desires. She appreciates that her body arouses a man. Some women, more than others, enjoy using their body to excite a man. If a woman knows how to masturbate herself to orgasm, she appreciates that intercourse cannot provide her orgasm and so it is much clearer to her that the focus of intercourse is male orgasm.
Women come to sex assuming that their pleasure will be as automatic as it is for a man. Even when their own experience demonstrates that it is not, they continue to have sex to keep men happy with the vague hope that something will ‘just happen’. They are happy to leave the initiative to the man’s greater motivation to find a solution to pleasuring his woman.
A clear indication of women’s sexual passivity are the bloggers who complain that men attempt sex play as adventurous as anal sex without any discussion. This also indicates the embarrassment over sex by both sexes. Most alternatives to intercourse require some discussion. Not everyone (even men) enjoys oral sex. Not everyone wants to be groped in their private parts. Certainly anal sex cannot be attempted seriously without consent from both partners and also some preparation for the receiver. It requires a much higher level of trust and communication to discuss ways of sharing our sexual fantasies with a partner during physical sex play.
Women go along with men’s desire for intercourse because it means that men do all the work. A woman doesn’t have to do anything. Over time women may come to consciously acknowledge that they prefer to leave all the effort of sex to a man. If a man is obtaining the benefits of sexual activity with a lover, then it is natural that he should make the key effort.
The woman can be the sexual aggressor. She can take the initiative in a sexual encounter. A man can be putty in a woman’s hands. Incapable of doing anything but responding to her touch. But ultimately the pleasure is his. A woman uses her body to pleasure a man. That’s just the way it is.
Just as in the human animal, and even more often than in the man animal, petting among the other mammals is primarily, although not exclusively, male activity which is directed toward the female. As in the human species, it is the male which is more likely to be aroused psychologically and usually before he makes any physical contact. (Alfred Kinsey 1953)