Learn About Sexuality

Understanding a man’s dependency on turn-ons

Although men have a sex drive, it is a psychological (or emotional) urge rather than a biological one. Men are dependent on the mental turn-on of an apparently engaged partner to provide their emotional satisfaction. This is difficult for women to understand. From a woman’s perspective if a man is hassling for sex then surely he should be able to get what he wants from the activity without her needing to do anything. A woman assumes that a man is simply looking for physical stimulation. Some women question why they need to make effort when sex is designed for male pleasure and sexual relief. A woman assumes that a man just wants to have intercourse with her. That is what she agrees to. She doesn’t think it’s necessarily her duty to do any more than that.

The images from porn showing women taking the initiative by climbing on top or by offering oral sex are not based on real woman (maybe well-paid prostitutes). Real women are not aroused by these activities. Of course some women say they are but this it to please men or because they think they are supposed to be aroused by such activity. Most women don’t feel pressured into offering more than intercourse because they don’t watch porn. No one explains in black and white that some men hope for (or even expect) these things. They don’t explain these things because they would have to admit that women are not motivated to offer them.

Men claim that they want intercourse to last for ever. But a woman notices that a man flags if intercourse goes on for too long. He seems to lose confidence that he is ‘taking too long’. Perhaps he realises that the woman is waiting for intercourse to end. If he is not sufficiently aroused, then he may have difficulty achieving orgasm. A woman knows that once a man has started thrusting he is not satisfied until he has ejaculated. So she tries to help him find a way out. She tries to provide the necessary turn-ons that he needs to imagine her arousal. She may move her hips to increase the stimulation of his penis or she may make encouraging noises. A proactive woman emulates someone who is positively engaged in the activity.

At a most basic level sex involves a resistance scenario, with a woman resisting a man’s attempts to impregnate her. In a loving relationship based on the concept of a mutual lovemaking act, a woman’s response or feedback either encourages or deters a man. The female come-ons or enticements are a tease. “Come on Big Boy! Come and get me! Bet you can’t catch me!” A woman puts on ‘sexy’ lingerie. She makes herself attractive. This sends the message to the man that she is sexually willing.

A dog runs after a ball not because dogs have evolved an interest in chasing balls but because the ball emulates the behaviour of the small mammals that dogs use to hunt for food. When we throw a ball for a dog, it acts as a stimulus that causes the dog to chase after it and perhaps retrieve it. In the wild the ball is a rabbit and the dog catches the rabbit to eat it. There is a parallel in sex because our sexuality encompasses more than reproduction.

Sex play involves a woman throwing the equivalent of a ball for the man. It’s just; she is the ball! A man wants to emulate the conquest of catching a woman and forcing himself on her. The moans and facial expressions of the porn actresses are based on the resistance scenario. Yet men hope that their wives and girlfriends will provide the same turn-ons naturally. They don’t appreciate that the whole thing is an act from the female perspective.

In a world where men have to answer for the anti-social pursuits of others of their sex (rape, sexual harassment, Peeping Toms, etc.) talk of female orgasm with a lover is equivalent to a green light. So women put up the green flag but there are complicated conditions that don’t apply when men want sex. A woman needs to feel respected, she needs time to get used to the idea and she wants the right to rescind her consent (or apparent agreement) to have sex at any moment even during the act itself.

When women say that they orgasm with a lover, naturally men are inclined to believe them. Women who say they have this experience are indicating a willingness to engage in intercourse, which is understandably popular with men. But then women say that they don’t want sex. Or their behaviour indicates that they are less than keen. So men are confused. Men almost always see a sexual opportunity as a positive situation. So how can women enjoy sex as much as men do if they also try to avoid or refuse to have sex?

Often there are different women involved in these two scenarios. Typically, the women suggesting that they are sexually willing are not necessarily available. Other women pick up the tab for this theoretical amenability. This is another reason why few women comment on sex.

It is, at once, an interesting reflection of man’s absorbing interest in sex, and his astounding ignorance of it; his desire to know and his unwillingness to face the facts; his respect for an objective, scientific approach to the problems involved and his overwhelming urge to be poetic, pornographic, literary, philosophic, traditional, and moral. (Alfred Kinsey 1948)

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