A woman needs time for her mind to tune into the sensations of being stimulated. Build-up with a partner takes much longer than a couple of minutes. But also the sensations are more pleasurable and physically intense as a man continues to stimulate a woman. A woman’s mind has no conscious focus except the sensations of her partner touching her while she thinks about the consequences of his erection.
Planning sex sessions ahead a little helps get the female brain in the mood for sexual pleasuring. Start a sex session with a relaxing bath followed by a massage for the woman. A woman feels more relaxed and sexy when she knows she is not dirty or smelly. A woman may enjoy her lover admiring her body and talking about what he wants to do to her. Women’s fantasises often focus on male sex drive and the idea that a man is overwhelmed with desire to penetrate a lover.
A man can spend time preparing a woman’s body for sex. Shaving a woman’s pubic hair feels kinky and makes oral sex more pleasant for the man. An enema can cause physical arousal (internal tumescence) so that even intercourse is more arousing than normal. Other variations include using a blindfold, some mild bondage (tying hands or feet together or to the bed). Sex shops may have other ideas to get the brain going.
A man could offer: sensual bathing (champagne by the bath), oral sex, stimulation with a vibrator (wherever you fancy), sex talk and sensual massage, leading to erotic massage: including clitoral stimulation by hand. A woman doesn’t get aroused in the way that a man does. She may be mildly turned-on. There’s no sense of frustration if nothing happens. Take a break and come back to lovemaking. Or spend some time kissing and fingering her. Make her feel appreciated. When a man walks away the instant he has had his orgasm, it sends the wrong message. A woman thinks a man is only interested in his own pleasure.
When a man offers to pleasure a woman she knows that he’s up against an impossible task. A woman alone has the benefit of using her mind to focus on aspects she finds arousing enough for orgasm. With a lover this technique does not work. A woman needs total isolation to be able to concentrate. So a man can stimulate a woman but he cannot provide the turn-ons that she needs to become aroused in her mind. So the pleasures are purely sensual. Nice but nothing to die for.
Men pleasure women partly to enjoy their own arousal. They are also motivated to make effort so they don’t feel that sex is so one-sided. But for a woman the pleasure is not so great that she’s going to insist. So a woman waits for a man to offer and if she feels in the mood for some sensual pleasuring she allows him to stroke and massage her body.
Sometimes for a change, a woman may enjoy using a blindfold to focus on sensations and use some low-key bondage to heighten the sense of being desired by a partner. Sex toys can be used to tease, bring in some anticipation (of the real thing!) and take the pressure off a man needing an erection. A man can enjoy arousing his partner while a woman enjoys being pampered. The woman needs to encourage a lover by reacting appreciatively!
Sex feels appropriate to a woman once a couple have spent some quality time together. A woman responds best when her partner demonstrates how much he cares about her well-being. The attention he pays her motivates her to return the favour by pleasuring him. But she needs to be in the right frame of mind to be amenable to sexual pleasuring. Firstly, a woman needs to feel good about herself. Having sex does not cheer a woman up. If she is unhappy or if she feels stressed (or just out of shape!) she may not feel sexy, which means that she doesn’t feel desirable. Sadly, a woman’s state of mind is not necessarily something her partner can do anything about.
Secondly a woman needs to feel good about her partner. Heterosexual men often assume that it is only women who need to attract a lover. By dressing in an attractive and sexy way a man can demonstrate his appreciation of the effort a woman makes to be attractive for him. He also needs to invest time in non-sexual intimacy so that sex is not the only shared activity.
Thirdly it helps if a woman feels tuned into eroticism This can be quite random. Sometimes a romantic movie might turn her on. A more reliable approach is to build in some anticipation (such as planning a sex session). If a woman is amenable, then she appreciates being flattered by her partner’s sexual interest in her. Some women may enjoy some aspects of pornographic movies particularly when there is some story content. Some women watch porn movies with a partner to help bring some variety to their sex life.
Many men think long intercourse is the key to having orgasms during intercourse, but long intercourse is not helpful to women and some females may be grateful to get it over with quickly. (Vincenzo & Giulia Puppo 2014)