Both heterosexual and homosexual men can become obsessed with their own performance and a lover’s as if sex is a competitive sport. However, over time this approach to sex can cause dissatisfaction. In general, most people derive more contentment from relationships based on a sense of emotional connection with a lover. The non-orgasmic aspects of sex such as anticipation and the build-up of arousal can also be enjoyable.
A woman values a man as a social asset (who has status and experience). But a man values a woman as a sexual asset. A young woman is a trophy because of her attractiveness and her inexperience. A man enjoys knowing that his lover is attractive not only to himself but also to other men. A man enjoys the satisfaction of an attractive woman choosing him as a lover.
When a man invests special attention in a woman, she is naturally flattered. All the time he is admiring her or talking to her, in her mind she knows consciously or subconsciously that he wants to have sex with her. She may enjoy rewarding him for his admiration in the hope that he loves her. If he moves on to another woman the following day, she feels betrayed. She has offered him her love and he has trampled on it. Women don’t understand how sex can be so important to men and yet so trivial. For men, sex often seems to be just a basic physical need. Some men have no interest in women as people. They just want the sexual variety and sense of conquest.
We can differentiate between turn-ons and come-ons. A turn-on is a sight, sound or behaviour that may arouse someone. Turn-ons are not always associated with an intention to arouse. Men often confuse turn-ons (such as attractiveness) with come-ons (women’s conscious behaviours).
A come-on is intended to cause arousal. A come-on is essentially a sexual invitation. Specifically, a come-on is a behaviour that a woman uses to arouse a man so that he wants intercourse with her. She is very explicit about what she says or does so that there is no room for doubt that she is making a sexual invitation. This behaviour is very common in pornography. Real women do not generally provide sexual come-ons.
There’s nothing a woman can do to make intercourse happen. But if she is attracted to a man, she can indicate her willingness. Women complement men’s sexuality, not by having a similar focus on their own arousal, but by appealing to male fantasies that assist with male arousal. When a woman seduces a man, she can use behaviours that tempt him into wanting intercourse with her by providing turn-ons that cause his arousal.
Female orgasm is a turn-on for men because they associate it with the idea that a woman is aroused by intercourse. By suggesting that intercourse causes female orgasm, a man can transform his selfish need for sexual release into a selfless desire to pleasure a lover. This behaviour is a way that men try to obtain permission and emotional acceptance. If women loved intercourse why would any man care what is said about their responses to it? It’s the fact that women are not as enthusiastic about intercourse as men would like that causes men to put pressure on women.
There are always many more men looking for sex than there are amenable (or apparently amenable) women. Clubs and bars make men pay while women enter for free. Men are asked to bring a partner but single women are welcomed. The imbalance between male demand for sex and female supply is a constant source of frustration for many single and married men.
It used to be called wife-swapping but today the more unisex term ‘swinging’ is used. People congregate to have intercourse with complete strangers. Some people find this extremely erotic while others find it the reverse because of the lack of emotional context. Women enjoy being admired sexually but the prime motivation comes from their partners.
Addictions are characterised by compulsive behaviours. For men, sex addiction often centres on a porn obsession. This causes problems because of the mismatch with reality. Women, on the other hand, use sex to find love. Inexperienced women often think that men will love them if they offer sex. Men do not necessarily connect sex and love. Perversely men often marry women who are less promiscuous because they value sexual loyalty in women even though they may not be ready to offer it themselves.
She can say she had 5 orgasms and you will have no way of proving her wrong. Truth is what man would even want to prove her wrong. We all like to believe that we laid it down right, so who is really going to question it unless it was a horrible performance (act) on her part. (Stephan Labossiere 2012)