Only a quarter of men are impotent by the age of 70. A man has a desire for intercourse even after he has lost the physical ability to back it up. Male responsiveness is limited by the physical (the ability to get an erection).
Men’s insecurities are that sex is very simple but they’re not sure what is expected of them. Surely all they have to do is what comes naturally? But all the discussion about female orgasm seems to imply that that is not good enough. So what else do they need to do to keep women happy? It’s ridiculous really but the implication is that they have to penetrate a woman’s vagina in some different way, either at a different angle or with a different rhythm, so that a woman will be able to orgasm. A man is also under pressure to last for ever, which is also unachievable.
A man realises that women do not initiate or drive sexual activity. So they look for some other reassurance that a woman is sufficiently enthusiastic so that she will continue to be amenable to intercourse. A man enjoys sexual activity most with a lover who assumes a proactive role in sex because of the fantasy that a woman pleasures a lover when she is herself aroused. Men are reluctant to accept that (just as prostitutes do), women who are prepared to invest in their sex life, make conscious effort to offer a lover explicit genital stimulation.
Men have always known that women do not need sex in the way that they do. Prostitution is the oldest profession. Some women have always been willing to offer men sex on demand. But they want to be paid for doing so. So men are in a constant state of denial. All the signs that women give out that they really don’t care too much about sex are ignored. Any hint of willingness (usually shown as affection) is interpreted as female arousal.
So a key issue for men, is the feeling of being approved of. They look for a woman to confirm that their lovemaking pleases her. They want to feel that their desire to penetrate her is reciprocated, that she has the same need for sex and derives the same pleasure from it. If a woman is actively hostile then a man may have difficulty getting aroused. Most men need some kind of invitation before they have the confidence to climb on top of a woman and penetrate her vagina.
But for the most responsive men, sexual thoughts are frequently on their mind. They are often aroused throughout the day. They have erections constantly. When they have an opportunity for sex with a partner their challenge is to slow down so that they don’t ejaculate spontaneously. Men are responsive. Women are not. So women can engage in any form of sexual activity with a lover almost indefinitely. Intercourse is intended to cause male orgasm as quickly as possible. The objective of a mating act is for the male to deposit his semen in the female’s vagina. The more quickly this is done the better.
Men don’t talk about sex because they know that women are often offended by any explicit sexual references. Men wonder why women do not show the same responsiveness that pornography appears to indicate that women should apparently be capable of. A man just assumes that his partner is frigid or inhibited in some way. Women don’t talk about sex because they know the importance of a man’s sexual ego. Women often assume that they would be able to orgasm through intercourse if their partner stimulated them for long enough. So they sometimes hold their partner responsible for their inability to orgasm through intercourse.
These male fantasies put tremendous pressure on women to conform to men’s view of their sexuality. Men assume that every woman has the skills of a porn star. Many women never watch pornography. Not only do they not relate to the need for turn-ons but they are offended by the way the male sexual mind works. A woman needs to be unoffended by men’s carnal instincts and capable of putting on a convincing erotic show. Even women who do understand male turn-ons, are not necessarily comfortable with the play-acting involved. Most women are immensely embarrassed by the deceit involved in providing such an exaggerated display.
Men’s sexual confidence is based on bravado. A man uses innuendo to flatter a woman into passively agreeing with him. She is flattered by the sexual complement and accepts his advances out of politeness and because she cares about him. If she turns him down then he may become unpleasant or insulting. So women are pressured to some degree. When they are in love women are genuinely pleased to allow a man to penetrate them. They are rewarded by his gratitude and by giving him pleasure.
Any sense of inadequacy over male speeds to orgasm could be easily overcome if a man was willing to stimulate a woman (orally or manually) regardless of his own state of arousal. But men are only interested in engaging in sexual activity when they have an erection. Unlike women, men have a sex drive that motivates them to want sex.
Premature ejaculation is the great male fear. The trouble is that coming too soon is a fact of life. (Antony Mason 1998)