Sexuality is about appreciating what causes us to become aroused and learning how we can achieve orgasm both alone and with a lover. Men and women differ not only in terms of frequency of orgasm but also levels of sex drive and ease of arousal.
There are many triggers for male arousal in the course of an ordinary day: from women in the street to advertising billboards for women’s underwear or bikinis. A man knows what turns him on because male arousal occurs regularly and predictably. His physical arousal (in the form of an erection) also gives him a clear indication of the anatomy he wants to stimulate. Arousal involves an increase in blood-flow to the erectile organ (penis or clitoris) as the mind responds to erotic thoughts or sights. By contrast women are largely unaware of the clitoris (the female sex organ).
Some young boys (who are the most responsive of all) may orgasm spontaneously without any genital stimulation or erotic arousal. But as a boy matures he comes to depend on specific penile stimulation and erotic fantasy to achieve orgasm. As adults, anyone who wants to orgasm must be proactive about taking the necessary steps to achieve orgasm.
Orgasm is a specific erotic phenomenon that occurs relatively predictably given the appropriate erotic and physical stimulation. Orgasm techniques are similar regardless of whether an individual is male or female, alone or with a lover, gay or straight. Achieving orgasm involves focusing the mind on some aspect of eroticism and using techniques to stimulate the sex organ in a highly specific way.
Our motivation for engaging in sexual activity
First, an aspect of sexual activity excites our curiosity. Responsiveness is evidenced by a person’s ability to respond positively to (be enthusiastic about enjoying some aspect of) erotic scenarios.
The first step in achieving orgasm is for a person to be motivated to do so. The only reason anyone would stimulate their genitals (casual curiosity aside) is because they know that when aroused enough, stimulation causes orgasm. Orgasm is a significant pleasure that you definitely notice!
A woman is not as strongly motivated by sexual activity (even masturbation alone) as men tend to be. Nor does she want orgasm as often as men typically do because of the effort involved in achieving orgasm.
This is a balance of effort (how easily we are aroused) versus the reward of engaging in sexual activity (the emotional significance of our sexual responsiveness). Although orgasm provides very pleasurable physical sensations, a woman does not place the same emotional significance on genital stimulation and penetration that men do.
The need for psychological arousal
Second, we enjoy the sensations of arousal that result from exploring our fantasies. Sex involves our enjoyment of our psychological arousal through an appreciation of eroticism (men use images women use scenarios).
Before we can achieve orgasm we must be aroused. This is why men need to have an erection before they can hope to orgasm. Male turn-ons are easy to identify while female turn-ons are much less evident.
A person sets out with the intention of achieving orgasm. Anyone who has experienced orgasm (or once young boys have some experience) knows how they get turned-on. A man can easily account for what his mind is focused on for him to become aroused.
Women are much more likely to describe relationship factors (such as loving emotions and romance) in explaining their arousal. Such feelings to not lead to orgasm. If a woman is to experience orgasm, she must consciously focus her mind on explicitly erotic scenarios.
The need for specific stimulation of the sex organ
The third step in achieving orgasm is that a person is motivated (because they are aroused) to stimulate their sex organ (penis or clitoris). Only once aroused, do we use genital stimulation (direct stimulation of the penis or clitoris) to bring a state of arousal to orgasm.
Women cannot be stimulated to orgasm by a lover (or by herself with a lover) because sexual activity with a lover does not arouse them. This is deliberate on Nature’s part because women are intended to focus on male arousal and be amenable to activity that potentially leads to reproduction.
This explains women’s sexual passivity. Women are not proactive about stimulating a lover because they are not aroused by a lover’s genitals. Women do not stimulate themselves or try to encourage a lover to stimulate them because of their lack of responsiveness with a lover. Their lack of personal agenda means they accept the intercourse that men want.
The male is aroused because he has been conditioned by his previous experience, as most females have not. (Alfred Kinsey 1953)