We can talk about responsiveness as a general concept. But responsiveness is evidenced in completely different ways in men and women. Male responsiveness is biological. Men orgasm easily especially when young. Men appreciate the physical: their own body, the body of a lover and physical interaction through sexual activity with a lover. Men notice that women do not initiate sex as often as they do and that women’s passive stance communicates that they are simply waiting for intercourse to finish. Men complain about these female behaviours but they cannot accept that they are clear evidence of women’s unresponsiveness with a lover.
Many women find that losing their virginity is a severe disappointment because a woman feels almost no sensation from intercourse. Instead of being sympathetic, men find it impossible to accept that the female experience could be so different. Even if a woman tells a man that it is so, he does not accept what she is saying. A man likes to imagine that women’s difficulties with arousal are easily solved. He also wants to believe that she will continue to accept penetrative sex, so any issues with female arousal are the woman’s issue rather than his own. A woman knows that she is nowhere near being aroused by either the prospect or the reality of intercourse. The fact that a man cannot comprehend this, makes the subject impossible to discuss.
Men are confident about sex because sex is loaded in their favour. They experience easy arousal and orgasm from any of the activities that are portrayed in pornography. A woman has the opposite experience. She feels little or no arousal from any form of sexual activity with a lover. But a woman is told that she should because men believe that sexuality is all about sex and orgasm. Obviously because that is the way that men experience it. Women’s lack of confidence over sex means they accept men’s opinion that they should orgasm through intercourse and that they must be dysfunctional if they don’t.
One form of bullying is to ignore what someone says. You put your own opinion forcefully. You insist on the validity of your own point of view (thereby indicating the invalidity of theirs) until they give up. Then when they are silent you assume you have won. You may continue to refer to your opinion and when you get silence again you assume that you have won. Eventually you conclude (well you already know of course for a fact that you are right) that you must be right because no one objects. You even try to get people, who you suspect disagree, to agree with you. Of course mostly you get silence.
When someone is trying to keep you happy or they need your help or support, they may agree with you just to please you. Of course if someone is making money out of you they will agree with anything and everything you say. This is essentially the core of sexual politics. Men claim to be oblivious to the fact that most women do not confirm their fantasies of the proactive sexually-motivated woman either by their behaviour or by what they say. Men rarely ask about women’s sexual satisfaction. Even if men do ask they ignore what they hear unless what they hear pleases them (flatters their ego).
When a man reaches down between his legs, there’s something half-way substantial there. Well at least something to grab onto. When a woman does the same there’s nothing. Well maybe a blip. That’s all she has to work with. It’s truly amazing that she manages anything. But with an investment in enough eroticism she may manage to drum up sufficient arousal to have an orgasm occasionally. Nothing sensational but better than nothing. Men no doubt prefer the fiction of the easily orgasmic woman but surely reality also has a role to play. Or maybe not?
What would be interesting to know is whether men would get more out of this submission game (that men and women play) if the game was acknowledged. Could men overcome their fears sufficiently to realise that if they deal directly with a woman they might get more? Or are they too afraid that the fantasy will evaporate their sexual desire? Do they have confidence that their desire is driven by the real person in front of them and not an imagined woman with imagined male-motivated behaviours and supposed responses? Is the reality of female sexuality enough for men? Or must they continue to sexualise women or pressure women into enhancing their sexuality?
Women enjoy a more psychological appreciation of the mind of a lover, his intellect, his personality and his willingness to control his aggressive instincts. Women’s feelings towards a lover are emotional not sexual. A woman experiences orgasm much less commonly than men do by using fantasies when she masturbates alone.
Studies have shown anywhere from 55% – 80% (If not more) of women fake orgasms. Yet ask any man on the street and they think they are handing out orgasms like a bag of peanuts on an airplane. That math is not adding up people! (Stephan Labossiere 2012)