While 50% of the male population is exclusively heterosexual, only 4% is exclusively homosexual. Around 10% of men at some time in their lives have predominantly homosexual relationships for a period of a few years. A man’s orientation is determined by the sexual anatomy of the partners who cause his arousal and his sex drive to engage in penetrative sex.
Gay men are often promiscuous. Research indicates that a high proportion of gay men have sex with many different men and 22 per cent have had more than ten partners. This contrasts with only 29 per cent of lesbian women who have sex with more than two partners and only 4 per cent who have had more than ten partners. Lesbians are rarely promiscuous.
Perhaps there is a misconception that gay men cannot obtain pleasure from penetrating a vagina. But it is much more likely that this is not an issue of the stimulation involved. The issue is the fact that gay men are not aroused by women’s bodies. They do not find the female sexual anatomy remotely arousing. So they are not aroused by any activity with a woman. The stimulation involved in any sexual situation is purely that – stimulation. The mental turn-ons that cause arousal and orgasm are much more critical.
Sexual pleasure is based on a man’s own physical gratification rather than the emotional rewards women enjoy by pleasing a lover. Young men, both gay and straight, are inclined to focus on penetration and ejaculation as the goal of an encounter. They approach sex with an ego that means the sexual attributes of a sexual partner are a trophy to be boasted of. They are easily flattered that someone agrees to have sex with them. A man’s desperation to find a partner may lead him to accept sexual activity of any description.
Young men (regardless of orientation) have disadvantages when it comes to being a good lover. Foremost their responsiveness is a problem because they cannot maintain an erection for long enough to spend time pleasuring and being pleasured by a lover. The novelty means they ejaculate quickly. Young men look for quantity over quality of interaction. They measure their relationships in terms of a lover’s sexual attributes and see no value in knowing them as a person. They don’t care that their lover has nothing in common with them or whether they are a likeable or even decent person.
It’s a good idea to get to know someone before getting involved sexually. Having sex with someone tells you little about the person. Many men (gay and straight) start out by choosing a partner on the basis of sexual chemistry. If a man stops allowing lust to cloud his judgement, he may make different sexual decisions. If someone is a person you would never befriend or want to introduce to your friends, maybe you should not have sex with him.
Due to their youth, young men lack experience. Experience helps us relax so that we generate a comfortable atmosphere for enjoying sexual pleasure. Experience helps with lead-ins and reduces the awkwardness of being with a new lover. It teaches how we can suggest sexual activity and vary the pace. It teaches us what we enjoy ourselves and also what a lover may enjoy.
Casual sex, even with protection, is always a risk. Being the penetrator may seem straightforward but we are not talking here about jamming a rod into a hole. A penetrator needs to use some sensitivity and respond to feedback. Verbal communication is often necessary. The person being penetrated can co-operate and give feedback to accommodate the penetrator’s thrusting action and make it more erotic and sexually rewarding. This co-operation verges on consent and represents the line between pain and pleasure.
A gay man must always protect himself, including using condoms and lubrication. Many of the tissues involved in penetrative gay sex are sensitive and easy to tear. If something does not feel good, it should not be done. Sex is about pleasure, both given and received. If something hurts, then stop. There are many ways to give and receive sexual pleasure. No one should ever feel pressured to engage in penetrative sex especially if both lovers do not want it. Sex between men need not always include penetration.
Good sex involves finding a longer-term partner with whom you can experiment, explore and discover what you like. Taking time to choose a partner who is a good match (of personality, values and interests) and investing in that relationship, can make male homosexual experiences much more rewarding. Good sex is ultimately a matter of intimacy and pleasure. Loving, passionate sex is so much more fulfilling than a one-night stand with a guy who may be very enthusiastic but who is no good at it.
Even if gay men theoretically agree to open relationships, they are notoriously jealous. Open relationships smack of a selfish desire to notch up lovers and have a fallback. If a guy is unwilling to commit, let that be a deal breaker. This doesn’t necessarily mean being a couple for life but just building a relationship of substance that lasts for years rather than months.
Many of the (homosexual) males had been highly promiscuous, sometimes finding scores or hundreds of sexual partners. (Kinsey 1953)