Learn About Sexuality

How we know that someone has had an orgasm

Orgasm involves genital secretions (cervical and male glands), tumescence (increased blood flow in the whole body as well as the sex organ), rhythmic pelvic thrusts, muscular contractions and a release of nervous energy.

We discover orgasm because we have the capability. No one teaches us how to orgasm. Responsiveness is sporadic and occurs randomly depending on factors within our bodies as well as external stimuli that cause us to think about sex. When we become conscious of our physical arousal and our attention is drawn to our sex organ. Being unresponsive (rarely or never having an orgasm) is completely normal for women.

As with intelligence, there’s the raw potential responsiveness that you’re born with and then there’s what you do with it. How a person explores sexual activity both alone and with a lover depends on their moral beliefs, the beliefs of their lover and their imagination. Very few individuals truly maximise their sexual potential because of difficulties in communicating with a lover, because of embarrassment over discussing sexual pleasuring and because of inhibition (sexual timidity) in one or both partners.

When we have our first orgasm naturally we are pleased. But we don’t run off and tell our parents or our friends about it. Our instincts tell us (if the general embarrassment over sex doesn’t) that orgasm is personal. Even later on, orgasm is a private pleasure that we keep to ourselves. If someone truly has an orgasm (men for example) they don’t boast about it. Orgasm is a subconscious response but it arises because we take conscious actions to achieve it. Once we have experienced orgasm for the first time, we have some idea of how we did it. So we continue to repeat the same actions. We know what our minds need to focus on and what anatomy we need to stimulate.

Responsiveness is not a political matter. It is a personal matter and a matter of fact. A person knows (for sure) if they have had an orgasm and it is for their own enjoyment and not a lover’s. Only behaviours are political because they can be used to manipulate the appearance of reality. The political minority (as ever) limits the knowledge and information that can be discussed among the majority of adults. This is inequitable and needs to be corrected if we want realistic and helpful sex information.

Anyone selling sex (products or services including therapy) naturally has to put a positive slant on sex if they are to sell anything. This makes it difficult for sex educators to promote a more realistic view. This is in part because men (who represent the main audience for sex) are looking for turn-ons not realism. But it is also because a tiny minority of women are threatened by anyone who questions their orgasm claims. Women who boast about orgasm typically focus on orgasm with a lover. These women are motivated by the attention they get from men. But there is also a power that comes from intimidating other women.

If women could truly orgasm with a lover, then they would be able to explain themselves rationally. They wouldn’t list parts of the body like a catalogue and suggest that every kind of stimulation leads to orgasm. They would realise that orgasm arises because of what is going on inside their heads. Anyone who can orgasm talks of the turn-ons they need for orgasm. They appreciate the need for focus or concentration. They are not distracted by providing turn-ons for a lover. Men tend to talk about women’s bodies. They talk about the aspects of sex that they find arousing.

Researchers note that women are much more easily distracted during a sex. This is because women are not aroused by sexual activity. So women could easily have a conversation during sex. But they don’t for a number of reasons. Women instinctively accept that men need silence for their performance. Some women say they stop having orgasms. But you cannot forget how to orgasm!

Women who masturbate to orgasm do not talk about their fantasies. This is because masturbation is always a private indulgence. No one talks about it in case they get the ‘sad loner’ label. But also there are so many women who are shocked or disgusted by masturbation. You don’t even need to discuss the topic directly to know what women think. There are many signs that indicate a person’s attitude towards eroticism. The way most women avoid commenting on even the mildest tangential reference to sex is a clear indication that they will not be receptive to any talk of sex.

If an orgasm technique works, then it is reliable. We don’t have to keep trying for decades to get it to work. Anyone who can orgasm should be able to describe the kind of stimulation (of the sex organ) that leads to orgasm. They can also list the scenarios that provide this stimulation. For example, they can explain the position they are in when they orgasm. Anyone who has had an orgasm will talk of the sensation of sexual release. After orgasm we feel a special kind of relaxed tiredness that helps us sleep.

The way sex is portrayed in the media and in films often provides us with a base of comparison that is not always realistic for the individual. (Andrea Burri 2012)

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