Jane’s video: ‘Talking to women about sex and orgasm’.
Men believe (like a Holy Book) that there are millions of women out there enjoying orgasmic pleasure from sex. Yet not one is willing to talk about it. I have been asked to pay a woman who blogs about orgasm £25 an hour (plus expenses) to have a casual conversation about orgasm. And I’m not even looking for sex, just honesty. Men really don’t get it. I wonder why?
No one truly talks about sex, in terms of their own real-life experiences. Yet we have the impression that we know all there is to know. But where does this knowledge comes from? It doesn’t come from authorised sources. Few adults are aware of the research findings. The magazine articles we may glance at occasionally just regurgitate the same old wives’ tales. Only men ever discuss female orgasm openly and confidently. So it’s no wonder that sex education and pornography are essentially the same thing. This is why so few women will ever comment on either sex or orgasm. The reality of sex is so far removed from how it is portrayed in fictional media that most women prefer to say nothing. Other women enjoy the attention they get (or they are paid) for promoting sex and orgasm.
I have been asking women about these orgasms for over 10 years now. Most women are struck dumb. Few women have the confidence to discuss orgasm. Most women prefer to talk about emotions and relationships rather than explicit sexual activity. Most men prefer to keep female sexuality as an unsolvable mystery rather than discuss any kind of facts or logic. When you talk to women about orgasm they reel off their story and then when you question they just back off defensively. They insist that their story is true but they cannot justify it. I’m not saying that everyone should be an intellectual and capable of explaining what they experience. But there is a sincerity to a true story and rarely arrogance. Women don’t talk about orgasm in a way that other women can relate to. It’s all ego.
Women are largely disinterested in sexual discussions unless they are selling something. Men are just talking among themselves spreading old wives’ tales and sexual ignorance. For example, men believe that a woman orgasms from cunnilingus. But where does this belief come from? Well it doesn’t come from any reputable research findings. Alfred Kinsey only barely mentioned cunnilingus and then primarily in the context of lesbian sex. The statistics Shere Hite provided indicated that most women do not orgasm regularly though oral sex. So why do we believe they do?
Men tell me that their partner’s orgasm from oral sex. But when I ask them to produce a woman (just one) who can confirm the story, there is no one. Until women themselves are willing to talk about these experiences men’s accounts are only evidence of male ego not female orgasm. Our sexual knowledge comes from the society around us. Our confidence in our ignorance is reinforced by the bravado of other adults. But this is a closed loop. We all repeat and assume what everyone else repeats and assumes. Sexual discussions are dominated by male interest.
Men tell me that women are too embarrassed to talk about sex and orgasm. But why should they be? I am the one who is supposed to be dysfunctional. They are the ones with the idyllic experience. The truth is that rather than accept what I am saying, men prefer to assume that other women (who are silent) are agreeing with them. And so we have the taboo of sex.
Only a handful of women ever tell me that they orgasm every which way. Women list orgasm techniques like a catalogue without a hint of eroticism. They don’t seem to appreciate that men orgasm as a result of what is going on inside their heads. Women can never account for the very different physical stimulation involved in each of the female orgasm techniques: masturbation alone and with a lover, intercourse and cunnilingus. Nor can they ever explain what psychological turn-ons they use to achieve orgasm.
I learned how to masturbate at the age of seventeen. So I know what orgasm is. I can explain in explicit terms how I achieve orgasm as a result of specific erotic and physical stimuli. I can explain why the orgasm techniques we assume women use with a lover cannot possibly result in orgasm. I can also provide logical reasons for why the researchers have drawn the wrong conclusions from asking women about orgasm.
I once had to stand up and present my work very briefly. There was little to time to say anything of any substance. But naturally I mentioned that I write about orgasm. A man in the audience later commented that after my presentation to the group, he didn’t hear any of the following presentations because he was so excited by what I do. Usually later, when men discover I am not talking about easy orgasm with a lover, their interest wanes!
A woman talking about orgasm threatens other women. Men are so mesmerised that other women are eclipsed. The competition between women for male attention sets in. After an in-depth presentation that I gave on orgasm, a young woman came up to me and asked if she could give me a hug. I was very touched. But she was not willing to say anything. I accept that I help many people (especially women) who will never comment.
Males are much more inclined, and females are less inclined to discuss sexual matters with other persons. (Alfred Kinsey 1953)